The Lighter Side

I’m adding this spot as a sort of catch all for those things which might simply amuse or entertain us – videos, music, jokes or whatever you find of interest.  Have fun with it!

50 Responses to The Lighter Side

  1. Donna says:

    Wow, I love this idea, THANKS!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Designdiva says:

    Well…let’s start with a BLONDE JOKE… But of course…Right >>>

    FrozenCrabs & the Blonde Stewardess

    > A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
    > Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
    > Two lessons here:
    >
    > 1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
    > 2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as some folks think.

  3. Designdiva says:

    And living where I do.. I cant forget the Rednecks…. WINKS

    Redneck Medical Dictionary
    Rednecks have the lowest stress rate
    because they do not take medical terminology seriously
    You are going to die anyway, so live life.

    Medical Term

    Redneck Definition

    Artery

    The study of paintings

    Bacteria

    Back door to cafeteria

    Barium

    What doctors do when patients die

    Benign

    What you be, after you be eight

    Caesarean Section

    A neighbourhood in Rome

    Cat scan

    Searching for Kitty

    Cauterize

    Made eye contact with her

    Colic

    A sheep dog

    Coma

    A punctuation mark

    Dilate

    To live long

    Enema

    Not a friend

    Fester

    Quicker than someone else

    Fibula

    A small lie

    Impotent

    Distinguished, well known

    Labour Pain

    Getting hurt at work

    Medical Staff

    A Doctor’s cane

    Morbid

    A higher offer

    Nitrates

    Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
    Normally more money than Days

    Node

    I knew it

    Outpatient

    A person who has fainted

    Pelvis

    Second cousin to Elvis

    Post Operative

    A letter carrier

    Recovery Room

    Place to do upholstery

    Rectum

    Nearly killed him

    Secretion

    Hiding something

    Seizure

    Roman Emperor

    Tablet

    A small table

    Terminal Illness

    Getting sick at the airport

    Tumour

    One plus one more

    Urine

    Opposite of you’re out

  4. Designdiva says:

    And what’s laughter with out a video.. making fun of MEN… LOL

    Hugs
    Diva

  5. Designdiva says:

    Inner Peace: This is so true

    If you can start the day without caffeine,
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

    If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

    If you can conquer tension without medical help,

    If you can relax without alcohol,

    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

    …Then You Are Probably

    The Family Dog!

    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual….

    HUGS
    Diva winks

  6. Designdiva says:

    Hard to argue this logic…

    Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

    Here is proof that they are wrong.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say “it would be nice to have another baby.”

    You never hear a guy say “It would be nice to have another kick in the nuts!”

  7. Designdiva says:

    The following was posted in one of our local blogs…Had to share..

    POLICE HARASSMENT

    Recently, RCMP Kings Det. In Nova Scotia ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, “Community Policing.”

    One of the civilian email participants posed the following question: “I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it.”

    From the “other side” (the law enforcement side) Cst. Sandy Horsnell obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: “First of all, let me tell you this…it’s not easy. In the Annapolis Valley we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “patrol”) where we do most of our harassing.

    The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

    Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of asecond to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

    The tools available to us are as follows:

    PHONE:
    People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. “My neighbour is beating his wife” is a code phrase used often. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment.

    Another popular one is, “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action.

    CARS:
    We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver’s licenses and the like. Its lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

    FOOTWEAR FOR RUNNING:
    Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

    STATUTES:
    When we don’t have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called “Statutes”; Criminal Codes, Highway Traffic Act, etc… They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

    After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, in one of ours books we have a law that says that’s not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.

    We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people.

    Next time you are in my town, give me the old “single finger wave.” That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can harass me.”

    It’s one of our favourites.

    • Diva! LOL! Now I miss my days of being able to harass the citizenry even more!
      Some many folks, so little time… 🙂

      • Designdiva says:

        Was that not great !!!!! Someone posted it for a Detective here in town…Due to all the HARASSMENT lately….LOL LOL LOL
        You know that small town politics…it’s not who you know..it’s who you blow….

  8. Designdiva says:

    Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will

    fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

    Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

    ______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man , when the car isn’t running very well,

    I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

    I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say

    to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now

    with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know

    where to start.’ We will then drink a couple of beers and

    break wind, as a form of holy communion.

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone

    to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and

    moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so

    for you, this is no problem.

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

    groceries at the store, like beer, steaks, milk or bread. I cannot be

    expected to find exotic items like ‘tofu’ or ‘tampons’.

    For all I know, these are the same thing.

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops

    working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that

    this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person

    gets here and has to put it back together.

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote

    control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been

    misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…. though

    one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…..

    (former applies mainly to engineers).

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m

    thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,

    sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when

    you ask, so don’t ask.

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or

    have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she

    calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever

    you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it.

    And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I

    thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,

    too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,

    looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

    _______________________________________________

    Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I

    will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,

    the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,

    and I’ll do the rest…… Like hosing down the patio and wandering

    around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do next.

    _______________________________________________

    This has been a public service message for women to Better understand men

  9. LMAO!
    “Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I
    thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
    too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
    looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?”
    I’ve told hubby that “fine” is the worst “f” word you can use when a woman asks about her appearance.

    • Adgirl says:

      F.I.N.E. = F*%ked up. Insecure. Neurotic. & Emotional.

      How are you?
      FINE! Get out of my way.

      • Designdiva says:

        Adgirl.. well then I guess I have been just F.I.N.E. these past few weeks…Explains it all so clearly now..THANKS FOR THAT…

        i gave up EATING SHIT and LIVING WITH IT for Lent…. So when is Easter ???!!!!

  10. Designdiva says:

    Something nice to look at from time to time…

    http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/portraits_women.html

    Enjoy
    Diva

  11. Designdiva says:

    FIREMEN SEX…

    A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.

    ‘From now on when I say BELL 1

    I want you to strip naked.

    When I say BELL 2
    I want you to jump in bed.

    And when I say BELL 3

    We are going to make love all night.

    The next night he came home from work and yelled

    ‘ BELL 1!’ The wife promptly took all her clothes off

    When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.

    When he yelled ‘ BELL 3!’, they began making love.

    After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’

    ‘What the hell is BELL 4?’ asked the husband?

    ‘ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,’ she replied ‘
    YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!’

  12. Designdiva says:

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,

    “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

    The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my wife that the word is Sternum…”

  13. Designdiva says:

    One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for a

    Military Commission was important.

    It went:

    “Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human

    body that is more useful when erect.”

    All those who spelled SPINE became Doctors, the rest went to Flight School.

  14. thedesigndiva2 says:

    A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. In order to demonstrate your devotion, you must abstain from sex for an entire month.”

    The couple agreed and, after three-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

    “You are back so soon…Is there a problem?” the pastor inquired.

    “We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    “Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

    The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

    The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
    But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn’t have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there,” admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    “You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church,” stated the pastor.

    “We know,” said the young man, hanging his head.”

    “And we’re not welcome at Sherwin-Williams anymore, either.”

  15. thedesigndiva2 says:

    Will I Live To See 80 ??

    Here’s something to think about. .. . . .

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor..
    After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 60.)

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
    ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

    He asked, ‘Do you drink beer or wine?’

    ‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

    Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

    ‘I said, ‘Not much…
    My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

    ‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

    ‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
    He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

    ‘No,’ I said.
    He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit ?’

  16. T-Wrecks says:

    Diva: mind my asking how your husband is faring?

  17. thedesigndiva2 says:

    There is a medical distinction about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

    GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘ Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ‘

    BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ‘ You’re next, Chubby. ‘

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

    Both result in death.

  18. thedesigndiva2 says:

    Vasectomy

    A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
    very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
    take all of his clothes off.

    When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
    table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
    climbs on top and has her way with him.

    Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
    what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
    have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he
    will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
    locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
    quicker.

    The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

    While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window
    to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

    Curious, the man asks,” What are they doing in there”?

    The nurse responds, ” They’re preparing for vasectomies too, but you
    have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care.”

  19. thedesigndiva2 says:

    HOLY HUMOR

    During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
    remember these four great religious truths:

    1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
    2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
    4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

    GOOD SAMARITAN
    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
    She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and
    bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed
    silence, “I think I’d throw up..”

    DID NOAH FISH?
    A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing

    when he was on the Ark ?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

    THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
    most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a
    month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he
    just couldn’t remember the Psalm.

    After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day
    that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,

    Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone

    and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

    UNANSWERED PRAYER
    The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
    bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked
    him why. “Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant
    of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How
    come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

    BEING THANKFUL
    A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your
    prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

    The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

    ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
    When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
    family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For
    several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
    “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
    this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why
    do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because
    everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

    SAY A PRAYER
    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s
    house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
    When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
    “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother. “I don’t
    need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We
    always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house.”
    Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.

    THE BIBLE
    Did you know that… When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When
    you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let’s
    read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he’ll have a
    stroke and never wake up.

    And did you also know that when you are about to forward this email to
    others, the devil will try to discourage you, but forward it anyway.

  20. thedesigndiva2 says:

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
    by an enemy Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaims,
    “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” ….
    “In honor of the Harvest Festival,
    YOU will be executed in three days.”
    “Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”
    “What is your FIRST request ???’
    The Lone Ranger responds,
    “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought
    before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
    Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

    Later that evening, Silver returns with
    a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches,
    the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent
    and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits
    he’s impressed.
    “You have a very fine and loyal horse”,
    “But I will still kill you in two days.”

    “What is your SECOND request ???”
    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
    to his horse.
    Silver is brought to him,
    and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise,
    Silver again returns, this time with a
    voluptuous brunette, more attractive
    than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Rangers tent
    and spends the night.

    The following morning the Indian Chief
    is again impressed.
    “You are indeed a man of many talents,”
    “But I will still kill you tomorrow.”
    “What is your LAST request ???”
    The Lone Ranger responds,

    “I’d like to speak to my horse, …. alone.”
    The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
    and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

    Once they’re alone,
    the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
    Looks him square in the eye and says,

    Listen Very Carefully !!!!

    FOR… THE…. LAST… TIME…

    I SAID …

    “BRING POSSE”

  21. IceMeNot says:

    Oh my that was worth reading!

  22. thedesigndiva2 says:

    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

    The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
    and she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to Heaven, which part
    of your body goes first?

    Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’

    ‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’
    Suzy replied: ‘Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
    front of you and God just takes your hands first.’

    ‘What a wonderful answer!’, the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ‘Sister, I think it’s your feet.’

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now,
    Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’

    Johnny said: ‘Well, I walked past Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other
    night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

    ‘Oh God! I’m coming!’
    If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, I reckon we’d have lost her.”

    The nun had to leave the room.

  23. Punny stuff.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, he says he can stop any time.
    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognized me as a vegetarian, but I’d never met herbivore.
    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    The report said I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    Broken pencils are pointless.
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
    Velcro- what a rip off!
    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

  24. thedesigndiva2 says:

    Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.

    Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

    A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a
    recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
    them from a possible
    freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
    the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it
    go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a
    shower) ran out into the living room naked
    to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
    sofa.

    He got down
    on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
    that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
    thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
    floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
    him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
    the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
    Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s
    when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called

    on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with
    a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided
    it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
    felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
    rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
    revive her.

    The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
    store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her
    husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
    out and cutting his scalp to a point
    where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
    lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
    the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle
    of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.
    Breathe here…

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
    drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
    women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
    sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
    the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
    the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp
    on it shattered
    and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
    window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
    and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
    smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
    department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
    were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
    wires, put out the
    power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square
    city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
    repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
    right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
    snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
    bring in their plants for the night.

    And that’s when he shot her.

  25. Diva says:

    Thanks for sharing Donna…you def can tell who didnt show up for rehearsal…LOL LOL LOL
    I loved how at our 8th grade graduation ( Catholic School ) they made sure to tell us NOT to throw our caps in the air…In a CHURCH of course..Did we listen ?? Nope.. true to form like all good Catholic kids..we did the opposite of what we were told to do… My parents…said it was tradition..ALL KIDS THROW THEIR CAPS…. they laughed..others were not amused..Mom told them to get a life !!!! hahahahahahaa

    Diva

  26. NEWS of Olympic proportions!

    Here are the top ten comments made by NBC sports commentators during past Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

    1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

    2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

    4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

    5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

    6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

    8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

    9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”

    10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said….”Look at that….you aren’t getting anything between those legs.!

  27. thedesigndiva2 says:

    All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

    The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

    “Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.

    “He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

    “At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.” The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

    The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

    “I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

    The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”

    “I don’t know” replies the man, “picture this, I’m buck naked hiding’ in this cedar chest…..”

  28. thedesigndiva2 says:

    BLONDE JOKES !!!! Look out !!!

    A friend told the blonde: “Christmas is on a
    Friday this year.”
    The blonde then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
    ————————————
    Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide
    to take them to a police station.
    One asked: “What if one explodes before we get
    there?”
    The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found
    two.”
    ————————————
    A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said:
    “Close your curtains the next time
    you & your husband are having sex.
    The whole street was watching and laughing at you
    yesterday.”
    To which the blonde replied: “Well the joke’s on
    all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
    ————————————
    A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband
    shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
    She answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do…
    it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
    ——————————
    A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
    “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.
    The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm
    enough to me”.
    The blonde says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of
    the bowl yet”.
    ————————————
    A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
    It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
    She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out
    how to pick it up.
    ————————————
    A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
    “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only
    two minutes apart!”
    “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
    “No”, he shouts, “this is her husband!”
    ————————————
    A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
    Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then
    another, then another.
    A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop
    about all the trees in the road.
    The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging
    about!”
    ————————————
    A blonde’s dog goes missing and she is frantic.
    Her husband says “Why don’t you put an ad in the
    paper?”
    She does, but two weeks later the dog is still
    missing.
    “What did you put in the paper?” her husband asks.
    “Here boy!” she replies.
    ————————————
    A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell
    and sees him hanging by his feet.
    “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
    “Hanging myself,” the blonde replies.
    “It should be around your neck” says the guard.
    “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t
    breathe”.
    ————————————
    An Italian tourist asks a blonde: “Why do Scuba
    divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
    To which the blonde replies: “If they fell
    forward, they’d still be in the boat.

  29. thedesigndiva2 says:

    At a local church on this past Easter the pastor called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said, “Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we’re going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”
    One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, “Please tell us what the resurrection is.”
    The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, “When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!”
    It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten – but that boy’s voice won’t be.

  30. MISINTERPRETATION…

    I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

    They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?”

    One of them chirped, saying, “It’s WALES, you friggin idiot!”

    So, I immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?”
    That’s pretty much the last thing I remember…

  31. thedesigndiva2 says:

    A

    man, while playing on the front nine of a

    complicated golf course became confused as to

    where he was on the course. Looking around, he

    saw a lady playing ahead of him.

    He

    walked up to her, explained his confusion and

    asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    ‘I’m on the 7th hole,’ she replied, ‘and you are

    a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th

    hole.’

    He thanked her and went back to

    his golf.

    On the back nine, the same

    thing happened and he approached her again with

    the same request.

    ‘I’m on number 14, and

    you’re still a hole behind, so you must be on

    the 13th hole.’ Once again he thanked her and re

    turned to his play.

    He finished his round

    and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same

    lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the

    bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender

    said that she was a sales lady and played the

    course often.

    He approached her and said,

    ‘Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your

    help. I understand that you’re in the sales

    profession. I’m in sales also. What do you

    sell?’

    ‘I’ll tell you, but you’re going

    to laugh,’ she replied.

    ‘No, I

    won’t.

    ‘Well, if you must know,’ she

    answered, ‘I work for Tampax.’

    With

    that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and

    fell off the bar stool.

    ‘See,’ she said..

    ‘I knew you’d laugh!’

    ‘That’s not what

    I’m laughing at,’ he replied, ‘I’m a salesman

    for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind

    you.’
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**********************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    No virus found in

    this message.
    Checked by AVG – http://www.avg.com
    Version: 2012.0.2178 / Virus Database:

    2437/5092 – Release Date:

    06/25/12

  32. A radio station received a call from a listener, upset about Deer Crossing signs. Perhaps the deer need some of those “Walk” – “Don’t Walk” buttons on less heavily traveled roadways.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/19/donna-radio-caller-deer-crossing-sign-complaint_n_1987405.html

  33. thedesigndiva2 says:

    WELL… it’s that time of the year again it seems….
    DONT HAVE ANY LIQUID IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE… OMG..TOO FREAKING FUNNY…. MAKE UP YOUR OWN CAPTIONS FOR SOME OF THEM AND HAVE FUN
    http://www.palmbeachpost.com/gallery/lifestyles/holiday/sketchy-santas/gJ52/

    Diva

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