Andy wants to know if Teresa’s changed so he shows a clip of her talking about getting bigger boobs. She says that she’s a better person with better values. The twins roll their eyes. A lot of us did. Teresa came on the show for fun and says “Look where I am now”. Where she is now is 60 days away from entering prison, something that she can’t blame on Bravo or her combative, fame hungry family. After seeing some clips of Danielle and the always ugly Kim G, Teresa warns the twins about the reality of reality televisions. Friendships get ruined. We see Teresa’s former friend, Jacqueline, interrogating her home girl about her legal issues. “Are you going to jail? I want to know if you’re going to jail. I don’t want to read about it in a tabloid.” No, Jacqueline doesn’t want to read about it in a tabloid. She’d much rather go on a covert fact finding mission, under the guise of a caring friend, and tweet her findings to the world. The twins should heed the warning.
A few more clips are shown of the Giudices, their daughters and the entire family gathered together for a family portrait taken just before Juicy’s father died. Juicy was close to his dad and it shows. Teresa says that her husband has changed a lot since the death and has been drinking more. She also tells Andy that Milania loves to act out for the cameras and has a few favorite crew members, and some who are decidedly not on her friends’ list. I still believe that Milania will be in charge of something in the future – either the head of the Mob or president of the United States. It depends on what she chooses for a Major in college. Real college – not Teresa and Joe College.
Teresa says that her recent conviction has hurt her businesses and that Fabulicious hasn’t made any money yet. That’s what she told the court, anyway. Juicy takes the blame for everything that happened and Teresa is still claiming that she had no idea what her plea deal entailed. I can help her – it means that you’re not going to prison for a gajillion years. Now say “Thank you”. Andy wants to know if Juicy is worried about being deported and he says that he’ll think about that when and if it happens. Teresa is shushing her husband and telling Andy that they can’t talk about it.
Now it’s time to hear from the others about the Giudices and the twins have a lot to say. Teresa 2 says that she’s not going to act like everything is fine. Teresa 1 carried rumors about Teresa 2’s mother and she’s madder than hell. Nicole can’t understand how the Giudices couldn’t file the financials documents the judge ordered because she handled her own divorce and, yea, that’s the same thing. Teresa 2 doesn’t regret the “clink-clink” remarks. Teresa 1 says she did what she was told by her attorney because she crosses all her “T’s” and dots all her “I’s”. That’s great, not entirely true, but great, anyway. It’s the rest of the alphabet that seemed to be overlooked.
The twins are talking about Rino and Bobby and strippers and gold diggers. Blah, blah, blah. Yada, yada, yada.
The househusbands and one boyfriend join the ladies. Jim is lifted out of Amber’s purse, put into his booster seat, and Andy directs his first questions at him. He wants to know if Jim has an anger management problem. Amber says he has an asshole problem. I thought she meant Jim was an asshole, but she means all of those irritating tweeps and viewers – ya know, the ones with IQs of 12 – who get him all worked up. To prove he’s got his anger under control, Jim explains that he’ll show you what cruel can look like. He’s got a scorched earth policy for people who cross him, which, from the looks of his tweets, is just about everybody. New Jersey must be burning to the ground. He’s kind of a punk, on a Justin Bieber level, and looks just as silly with his tough guy attitude. He thinks the only problem who have a problem with him are the ones who were born with a silver spoon in their mouths. When Andy asks him if he’s a lawyer, he says he went to law school, graduated in 2001 but took the bar in 2013. He’s still waiting to be admitted to the bar because he’s having an issue with the Ethics Committee. That’s probably the only thing he said that made any sense. Not the part about waiting a year to be admitted – the part about having an ethics’ problem.
During intermission, Andy gets a lesson in how to pronounce Teresa. Teressa. Tereza. Teresa. Terezza. Tedddeezzzzzzaaaaa!
Andy asks Amber if she really believes that Nicole is a homewrecker. Amber says that she allegedly heard, from an alleged member of the allegedly affected family that Nicole is a slut pig, gold digging woman of low moral character, or something like that – allegedly. Glad we got that straightened out.
Jim is anxious to show the New Jersey Bar how ready he is to become a member by putting Bobby on trial for impersonating a Housewife. The lesser included charge is Bobby is a fame whore. Jim drags out a scrapbook and, amid his collection of dried boutonnieres, old Valentine’s Day cards and ticket stubs from N Sync concerts, he has proof that Bobby has been worming his way onto Bravo. He starts waving around pictures of Bobby with Teresa 1, Melissa and Jacqueline. There you have it, an airtight case of Househusbanding by stalking. This causes a screaming match between Amber and the twins. My closed captioning has given up and is displaying the lyrics to “Is That All There Is?” Andy tells them to shut up.
Andy turns his attention back to Jim and says that people don’t like the way he talks to women. Joey says that it’s not right and then Jim makes the fatal mistake of reminding Joey what he’s said to his own sister – like called her garbage and scum. Joey showed remarkable restraint and simply told Jim that he shouldn’t talk about his sister. Maybe garbage and scum were a little harsh, but Joey has a point. Family members get to say things that no on else should dare to say. Even when they’re being jerks, they’re our jerks.
As this segment came to an end, Dina was heard to say, “This show is fucked up.” Yes, it really is.
See you next week when we hear from Dina and Jim about whale’s vaginas , and find out if Teresa’s Xanax will get her through the entire day.