Missoula, Montana – Week 3

Kristen is pouting and crying because Heather didn’t want to play with her.  Sonja and Ramona think that Kristen is a bad hostess.  Ramona has taken things into her hands, or the hands of the staff at Pawsup Ranch, and is putting out the trays of cheese, fruit and crackers along with cold wine, beer and champagne that she ordered.  She wanted to leave Montana but didn’t think the ladies would like her flying off in her friend’s private plane again.   This episode was made so much more fun just watching LuAnn and Ramona swigging Coronas straight from the bottle.  Ramona either had too much to drink or really just tripped on a boot but she missed the ottoman she tried to sit on.  Carole follows Kristen into the bathroom where the pity party is being held and Kristen is carrying on about how none of the ladies are showing any signs of gratitude for the wonderful trip she put together.   Carole tells her not to let the other get to her – they huff and puff and try to blow you down but they forget all about it the next day.   Kristen, in her talking head, wants the rest of the trip to be relaxing and drama-free.  Too bad she didn’t heed her own words.

Here we go a’glamping

Kisten has arranged for a night of glamping but Sonja’s still in bed.  Ramona goes into her room to wake her, something that the presence of a camera crew failed to do.  Sonja starts packing and she thinks that one night in a tent is the equivalent of a week on a yacht off Monaco.  Her bag is big enough to hold every pair of panties she owns – not wears, just owns.  Her enthusiasm seems to build when she spots Adam and Eric, the two ranch hands at the glamp site.   The ladies haven’t even chosen their tents when Kristen and Heather start a heated debate over the proper use of “bitch” – when and how it applies given the situation.  This leads to another argument over Heather being bossy – Kristen thinks Heather is a bossy, control-freak and Heather thinks Kristen is projecting.    Ramona is busily picking the tent with the King size bed and overseeing Adam and Eric.  Now that she’s made herself the hostess, there’s no stopping her.   When Kristen breaks away from her fight with Heather, she’s met by Ramona who lectures her about the fine art of hostessing.   LuAnn thinks Ramona is acting like a diva brat and I’m finding myself agreeing with LuAnn, again.  Who knew?

The group is sitting sdwn for dinner and Heather wanders in, obviously drunk.   While Sonja and LuAnn bicker over candle wax, Kristen starts in again about Heather’s bossiness.  Heather climbs up on her chair and announces “My name is Heather and I’m a bossy bitch”.  So starts the meeting of Bossaholics Anonymous.  Kristen won’t let it go, ignoring the fact that Heather is three sheets to the wind, because she’s determined to make her point.  The problem is, while rattling off all of the things Heather is bossy about, Kristen says that she also bosses and controls her husband, Jonathan.  Oh, Kristen – no, no, no, no no.  You don’t bring up anybody’s marriage or husband unless they mention it first – and ask for your opinion.  Heather is understandably angry now and Carole tells Kristen that it’s insulting to talk about someone’s marriage.  Kristen loses it and starts ranting about how unappreciative the whole group is.  She’s sick of hearing about the lack of butlers and points out Adam and Eric who are desperately trying to become a part of the landscape.

Husbands for Dummies, by Ramona Singer

Kristen leaves the table and Ramona follows her.  This is where Ramona makes a fool of herself.  You see, Ramona thinks that Heather’s husband is “vanilla”, that Jonathan hides in Heather’s shadow, all hunched over,  meek and afraid of his wife.  On the other hand, there’s Mario, who walks into a room like he owns it.   Yes, we’re all painfully aware of how Mario struts his stuff.  Kristen feels better having bonded with Ramona, even if it was at the expense of Heather and her husband.  Perhaps Ramona should write a book about marriage and husbands.

The next morning, Carole and Heather, who’s hungover, talk about what Kristen said.   Heather wants an apology and says that she has a hard exterior but she’s soft inside, like an M&M.  Carole is the opposite, like an Almond Joy.  I like them both.  Kristen calls Josh to tell him about the Heather brouhaha.  Her hopes that her husband will take her side are dashed, though.  He tells his wife that Heather is a strong, successful, businesswoman and that being bossy and in control aren’t necessarily character flaws.

Rodeos and porta-potties

The women are off to the rodeo and they look more like Rodeo Drive – tourists… Sonja is in all her glory, eying each cowboy as if they’re her next victim.  While some of the women watch the calf roping and bucking broncos, LuAnn decides to find the restrooms, only there aren’t any, at least not what she was expecting them to be.  Bravo has filmed something that will live in infamy – the Countess using a porta-potty and asking for toilet paper.  Priceless, really.  Kristen thinks that LuAnn should write a new book about the experience and how to do it with elegance.  Kristen and Carole are talking about Heather, and Heather and Sonja are talking about Kristen.

Hatchets, targets and apologies

Kristen has arranged a dinner for the ladies’ last night at the ranch.   Before they can get into the wagon, Ramona and Sonja do their very best to insult more of the staff and embarrass themselves by discussing underwear.  Sonja isn’t wearing any.  No surprise there, so why doe she own so many pairs?  Ramona is wearing a thong and lifts her skirt to prove it.   When they arrive at the roundup wagon the women are greeted by Tom Black, a seven-foot cowboy and former professional basketball player.  Kristen came up the brilliant idea that, before they have dinner,  the women should learn how to throw hatchets and Tom is going to be their teacher.  It shouldn’t be a tough lesson for any of them, given their skill at throwing daggers.  It’s all in the wrist.  While the ladies toss hatchets, Sonja is doing her best come hither routine with Adam, Eric and the two chefs.

Dinner is served and Ramona wants to negotiate a peace accord between Heather and Kristen.   That seems a wee bit disingenuous seeing as how Ramona all but called Heather’s husband a wuss the night before.   Heather doesn’t know that, yet and agrees to take a walk down by the river with Kristen.  Kristen makes all sorts of excuses for what she said – “I had a really, really bad day”,  “I missed the season finale of Game of Thrones”,  “The ladies were mean to me”, “The price of a barrel of oil is ridiculous”, “I’m having another really, really bad day”.  Heather asks her how she thinks Jonathan would feel if a group of women said that he was being controlled and Kristen says that he’d probably agree.  Kristen doesn’t know that she’s digging a bigger hole.  Heather just wants an apology in the form of two words – “I’m sorry”.  Kristen says that she just did apologize.  Heather sighs and says “Okay.  Okay. Okay. Okay.  Apology accepted.”   She then tells Kristen that she can flip out on her anytime she wants as long as she says she’s sorry.  See Kristen, that wasn’t so hard after all.  Bossy, controlling women can have very soft centers.

Bravo went geo-caching and found Aviva, so she’ll be back next week.   Get your doctor’s notes ready.

Empress