Morning at the Antler Cabin is starting off better than the one at the Beaver Cabin. LuAnn returns from an early morning hike to a full breakfast, ordered by Kristen. The Beaver girls – well, at least Sonja and Ramona – aren’t enjoying anything. Sonja is trying to organize the refrigerator because the chaos gives her sleepless nights. She’s also at a loss for what to do because there are no men on the trip. She and Ramona aren’t happy because dinner is going to be at the cabin, prepared by a private chef. Sonja would much rather go out to eat so that she can see where Will Smith and Reese “Weatherspoon” hang out. From the sound of things, Harrison Ford could prepare dinner and Ramona and Sonja would still find something to complain about. Henry the ranch hand arrives to tidy up the place and Sonja tells him not to watch while she searches for her almond milk because she’s not wearing any panties. The refrigerator was chock full of lettuce – maybe Sonja could have fashioned some undergarments out of that.
The ladies have decided to go fly fishing – against the wishes of the constantly bitchy Ramona and Sonja. Montana is boring. Fishing is boring. The bears ate their breakfast. The antelope don’t know how to make a bed. Off they go, anyway, and when they reach the river, there’s more to gripe about. Ramona wants her waders designed by Prada because hers make her look like Humpty Dumpty. No, not even all the king’s horses, nor all the king’s men could make things better for Ramona. Sonja’s mood is somewhat improved as she helps the fishing instructor. Heather catches a fish, then loses it, then falls into the water. The fishing is over – the complaining by Ramona and Sonja is not.
Dinner goes as dinners with the Housewives often go – with an argument. Kristen and LuAnn hug over the fact that they’re two Connecticut girls, and Sonja starts to make faces at LuAnn. First the argument is about the rumors spread by the facialist which Kristen finds funny. Then the ladies talk about Aviva and her recent asthma diagnosis. Doctor Ramona tells the group that Aviva made up the asthma story because she can’t be away from Reid. Carole thinks Aviva has Munchhausen’s Syndrome. She wants to call Aviva to get to the bottom of the inhaler until she realizes that it’s too late to call someone in New York. LuAnn and Sonja are still battling over Satako’s bedtime stories and, LuAnn is still claiming that she’s with Jacques. LuAnn storms from the room, telling Sonja that she’s not her friend. Sonja says, “You lie down with pigs, you’re a pig.” Heather thinks that was a shitty thing for her to say. Ramona thinks that LuAnn wants Sonja but Sonja doesn’t want LuAnn. Kristen just thinks the whole thing is funny and that LuAnn may be a dominatrix.
Somehow, the sun manages to rise and the ladies go off for spa treatments. Sonja wants a cowboy to give her a massage – no surprise there. Ramona finally notices how magnificent the mountains are. LuAnn, Kristen and Carole go hiking, although Carole may not have understood and heads out wearing a silk dress. Both groups go right back to discussing the non-friendship between LuAnn and Sonja. Kristen thinks that Sonja is harboring a lot of hurt over her bankruptcy and LuAnn is angry that Sonja tried to break up her relationship with Jacques last year. Sonja is telling her audience that she doesn’t have a man to give her stability. And they haven’t even had lunch yet.
The afternoon means rappelling and skeet shooting with the ladies breaking into two groups, having chosen which they want to do. LuAnn, Heather and Kristen head to Lookout Rock to rappel 165 feet down the side of the mountain. Kristen is trying to be a good sport but feels that Heather is too competitive, calling her “Sporty Spice”. Heather tells the instructor that she’s been rock climbing. I’m pretty sure that she has also jumped out of airplanes, sailed in the America’s Cup race, reached the summit of Everest and wrestled grizzly bears – without ruining her manicure. Kristen goes first and is petrified, but manages to make it down without killing herself. LuAnn goes next, and although she wasn’t quite as graceful, makes it and then kisses the ground. Heather is the last to descend and doesn’t make a fool of herself. Kristen wonders why she bothered to do it at all. It could have been a foolish exercise, done only to prove something to a bunch of women, if she had been hurt.
Ramona, Sonja and Carole have chosen to pick up shotguns and try to hit flying clay. Sonja tries to charm the instructor, Paul, but ends up insulting him by asking if he dates his cousin. Dear Paul is no fool and very politely reminds her that the cousin thing is a not so nice stereotype about people from the country. Carole picks up her gun and hits her target. Sonja insists that it’s beginner’s luck, but Paul tells her that it’s having a good instructor. See, I told you Paul was smart and he seems to have Sonja’s number. Tourists… Sonja does pretty well with her shotgun, despite her ample bosom. According to the instructor, small bosoms make for better gun positioning. Ramona fires hers too soon, which Paul describes as premature detonation. I’m falling in love with Paul.
There’s one more activity but, first, the ladies have to find some privacy to take care of Nature’s call. Even the Countess dropped drawers and hid behind a bush with tissue in hand. Paul is waiting for them to explain how to use the GPS they’re going to need to go geocaching. Here’s a site about it – Geocaching – The Official Global GPS Cache Hunt Site. The only one with any serious interest is Kristen. The others are fooling around with sticks, or, in Ramon’s case, carrying an umbrella and sweating. LuAnn calls Kristen Pocahontas and Paul tells the Countess that Sacajawea would be a more appropriate name, given their location. Yes, my crush on Paul is official. Kristen is growing more frustrated with the group for not joining her in her search, saving most of her wrath for Heather. Heather is goofing around, and both she and Kristen think the other is drunk. Kristen thinks that Heather is rallying the women against her and Heather is now wondering aloud about Kristen’s obsession with the activity. Carole thinks it’s a control issue – Kristen had none on the side of a mountain and now wants to exert some over the game – and Heather. It’s a battle for the title of “Sporty Spice”. After a few more minutes of back and forth between the two, Heather gets a little mean, telling the others how Kristen cried when she finished her descent. In a voice loud enough for Kristen to hear, Heather asks why anyone would do something they don’t want to do and aren’t any good at, anyway.
The ladies are still in Montana next week and will go to a rodeo. They’re overdressed, probably over-served and the good people of Montana are, more than likely, over them.
Aviva was missing, again – from the show and the credits. Bravo is a cruel and confusing master.