Carole and Kristen are getting Brazilian waxes together because we haven’t seen that before on any of the other Housewives’ franchises. Well, at least they’re not screaming and calling their lady parts cute nicknames. Their conversation is about the rumors that were told about all of the women by Sonja’s facialist, the infamous Satako. As we leave Carole with her legs in the air, Aviva and Ramona are at a different spa enjoying New York’s version of the Roman baths and sharing their dismay that the others want to go to Montana. Aviva tells Ramona how she just found out that she has asthma – really, really bad asthma that is going to keep her making the trip. Her doctor has made it clear that she’ll be better off in big skyscraper city over big sky country. Aviva wants to go somewhere where she can show her fun side and insists she would never want to be a buzz kill.
Sonja is packing for the trip and finding the right panties for the occasion is essential. She has panties for the Hamptons, for St. Tropez, for horseback riding and for a yacht off Monaco. What she really needs is a jar of Monkey Butt from Tractor Supply – the panties should be her second consideration.
Ramona and Kristen are shopping for cowboy boots at a place called Space Cowboy, named after the owner who loves his moment on camera and wants to sell Ramona a pair of sexy chaps. Aviva walks in dressed for a hoedown and the big asthma debate begins. Kristen doesn’t believe that Aviva has asthma but Aviva has a letter from her doctor that says she does. The letter was probably addressed to Bravo so that she could give them another excuse as to why she would be missing a group trip again. Kristen doesn’t care about the letter; she’s carrying on as if she wants an independent medical exam and all but whips out her own spirometer to test Aviva’s lungs on the spot. She’s sure that Aviva is making it all up just to get out of going with them. Aviva doesn’t care for being called a liar and starts pulling all sorts of medications out of her purse and throwing them at Kristen, and then takes a hit off of her rescue inhaler, just to prove her point. She really should learn how to use those things, they’re rather expensive. Ramona is surprisingly quiet, noting only that it all may be a weird coincidence.
Kristen is also packing with the help of her kids who think she should carry a gun for her trip to the wild, wild, West. Josh comes in and Kristen commences to tell him about Aviva’s asthma story. He chuckles and says that they’ll probably see pictures of Aviva on a chair lift in Aspen, puffing on a cigarette. Kristen also wants to know if Josh can take care of the kids while she’s gone. He insists that they’ll be alright but he plans on dropping them off at her parents’ house in Connecticut so that he can hang out in the Hamptons with his friends. He then tells her that he has to get back to the office, leaving her fuming.
Aviva talks to Reid about her new affliction and whether she should chance a trip to Montana. He tells her that it would be irresponsible for her to go. She then takes another puff from the inhaler in case we missed the first demonstration.
The group finally arrives on Montana and find that there’s a wheel chair reserved for Aviva at the airport. Whether that was Bravo foolishness or Aviva foolishness really doesn’t matter – it was foolishness. Ramona isn’t impressed with all of the stuffed animals on display and all of them wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into. They arrive on the resort property and it looks a little desolate. They enter the lobby and are greeted with Huckleberry base drinks. A horse-drawn wagon takes them to their cabins. LuAnn, Heather and Kristen are going to stay at the Antler’s Cabin and the Beaver Cabin will be home for Sonja, Carole and Ramona. Both cabin are impressive and beautifully appointed. Ramona opens some wine and the trip begins.
The first activity is wrangling cattle and Sonja is having some flashbacks to the last time she rode a horse and was thrown. Ramona wants to trade in her horse for a different model because hers is grazing and refuses to move. The horse must have gotten the memo. She swaps horses with LuAnn who faced down a camel and Ramona suggests that the horse be sent to the glue factory. Carole completely enjoys the perspective of the world you get from the back of a horse. They all do pretty well with their tiny cattle drive, but, then again, the cowboys at the ranch were very helpful, not to mention very cute.
After changing, the ladies are going to downtown Missoula for dinner. The restaurant is rather interesting, with seating arranged around an indoor rodeo arena. Ramona begins complaining how she can’t eat anything because of the manure smell and Sonja thinks that dinner is going to be one of the calves she just saw in the arena. Because there has never been a single Housewives’ dinner that hasn’t been ruined, the conversation turns to the things Sonja’s facialist said, and, more importantly, to the fact that Sonja let her go on and on without shutting her down. LuAnn is the one most upset and tells Sonja that she should have sent the woman home instead of allowing her to talk about her and the rest of the ladies. LuAnn doesn’t like the fact that Satako said that she likes to dominate short French men in bed. Kristen starts to giggle, saying that she found it funny. Ramona says that if it isn’t true, why should anyone care. Sonja’s explanation is that this sort of idle gossip has been going on for hundreds of centuries. Hair stylists do it, manicurists do it and dog groomers do it. She doesn’t think it means anything. LuAnn gets up and says that she’s going to bed. What is really bothering her is that Sonja doesn’t even care she’s upset.
We can only imagine what the ladies have in store for next week. Perhaps Sonja will wrangle a cowboy, Satako will be offered a spinoff and we’ll find out that Aviva has an enlarged prostate gland.
and we’ll find out that Aviva has an enlarged prostate gland.
Your recaps are hilarious.. You don’t take these people more seriously than deserved, I wonder if the ‘facialist’ brought up Sonja’s night with the pirate while at her home..
love the recap…especially the end! so funny!
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is no one wondering why Bravo didn’t pimp out the name of the ranch? Usually the venue is in a pop up at every scene…this time…not once. it was never even mentioned. only the names of the individual cabins. Me thinks they were too embarrassed to have their name connected to the show…
Paw’s Up Ranch. It’s nothing great IMO.
Aviva has had everything else – only thing left is an enlarged prostate gland. Very funny!
Great blog, Empress… You make me laugh! I’m really surprised we didn’t hear more about the cute cowboys… but then again… there’s always next week, right? And yeah, LuAnn wasn’t in any hurry to correct the gossip ‘cuz she LOVES it…lol