The ladies are spending their last night in Saratoga by hitting the local night spots.   Sonja, stuck without a ride back to the Hamptons, has forgotten all about her abandonment issues and is enjoying all that the town has to offer.  She’s kissing men and LuAnn, dancing and playing the air guitar until she finally collapses in a heap on LuAnn’s lap – at which point Bravo blurred out whatever it was she had on display.Ramona, who stayed behind, is with Avery while she takes a driving lesson.  Ramona wants to make sure that Avery knows how to navigate her way around at college and her only experience behind the wheel has been in the Hamptons while driving Mario’s BMW.  She’s actually pretty good, even managing to parallel park on the first try.  The second try didn’t go as well, and Avery managed to kiss the bumper of the car behind her.

LuAnn is hosting a charity event for women with cancer, sponsored by Hollywood Life.  All the ladies are in attendance, eventually – Sonja showed up a little late.  There’s going to be a fashion show and the dresses are to be auctioned off.  Kristen is modeling as is LuAnn’s special mystery guest who is wearing a mask.  Okay, we all knew that it was Kelly Bensimon, long before she took off the mask.  Before the show begins, though, another special, and uninvited guest, show up.  It’s Miss USA, Nana Meriweather, and her role in this charade is to give Aviva and her father another opportunity to talk about his sex life.  George may not have been in the episode but his presence was certainly felt.  Aviva is acting shocked when she sees Nana and while Bonnie Fuller, editor in chief of Hollywood Life, is speaking about women with cancer, Aviva decides to text Heather.  As the text is passed around from one housewife to another, we find out that it has to do with George, his rent-a-fiance, Cody/Dana and Nana having a threesome.

The fashion show couldn’t start soon enough.   Carole and Aviva get into a bidding war over the dress Kelly’s wearing with Carole raising her bid just to see if Aviva will keep going.  She does and ends up with a bid of $550, much to Carole’s delight.   While LuAnn is still upset about the text nonsense, Aviva goes into even more detail about her father’s night with the two women.  Her father had told her all about it, how they all met, got together and that Nana left the next morning.  I just have to stop here for a second and ask a question.  Who talks to and about their parents this way, I mean aside from Aviva and George?  It’s as if she’s actually proud that dear old dad is getting it on with all of these women. Or they’re both lying.  Bravo storylines have been built on flimsier, albeit less crude, stuff than this.  Ramona is going to get to the bottom of it and walks right over to Nana and asks her if the story is true.  Nana tells a very different story about meeting them, then leaving a party during the eventing, never to see them again.  This gets stranger by the minute because Aviva had just finished telling the group that her father had sworn on her leg that he was telling the truth.  Either way, Ramona is right – George is a creepy lech.Kristen is at Sonja’s house to get a facial but Sonja is missing.  Pickles, one of her interns hasn’t seen her but expects her any minute.  Kristen heads outside where the facialist, Satako, is waiting and Sonja sneaks into the house wearing half a dress, some guy’s t-shirt, a baseball hat and sunglasses.  She explains to Pickles that the gut couldn’t get her dress off so he tore it instead.   As Sonja said in her talking head, her walk of shame is a victory lap.  She must be doing a four-minute mile by now.  She meets up with Kristen and Satako turns into Radar Online.  She knows everything about the sex lives of Sonja and Ramona and is more than happy to share.  She tells Sonja that she knows about the guy around the corner with the long hair, possibly Jamie, the restaurant owner.  She also knows that LuAnn likes short French men so that she can dominate them in bed.  This must be some kind of a reverse Napoleon complex.  Satako also says that Sonja slept with Carole’s ex-boyfriend, Russ, when they happened to bump into each other in LA.  I think they should be tipping this woman better or get her to sign a confidentiality agreement, because no secret is safe with her.

Carole meets up with LuAnn to discuss George’s claims of a threesome and LuAnn is convinced that Aviva invited Miss USA just to stir the pot.  Kristen joins them and she tells them everything Satako said about LuAnn and short French guys, as well as Sonja bedding Russ.  LuAnn just laughs and says that there’s nothing small about Jacques.  Carole really doesn’t think that Sonja is Russ’s type.

Aviva is hosting the strangest art party at her apartment.  She’s picking out art for her fake apartment with her interior designer and an art dealer names Kipton Cronkite.  Try saying that name three times fast and tell me that you don’t start thinking about Superman.  As the ladies arrive, they’re shown around the apartment to look at various pieces, including one by LuAnn’s daughter, Victoria.   Kristen really doesn’t like any of them, preferring paintings of Elvis on velvet.  Sonja arrives in a dress that may very well be the remnants of what was torn the other night and Ramona has brought her own bottle of Pinot Grigio.   Aviva is sure that the party will be drama free.

LuAnn wants to talk to Aviva about the text message and the appearance by Miss USA at the charity event.  Aviva insists she didn’t invite her – in fact, she swears she didn’t.  Then she goes into full-out Aviva mode and tells LuAnn that if she’s calling her a liar, there’s going to be a problem.  While Aviva continues to talk over her, LuAnn says that it’s gross – all of it – the text, the threesome stuff, everything, especially at an event to raise money for women with cancer.  Aviva then says that Victoria’s artwork is about sex, even phallic, which, understandably, upsets LuAnn even more.  It does make you wonder if Aviva only invited Victoria to show her artwork just so that she could use it in her argument.   LuAnn still doesn’t believe that Aviva didn’t invite Nana, no matter how many body parts she swears on.  Aviva tells LuAnn that she didn’t invite the woman and LuAnn is just rude.  If anyone was wondering, my money’s on Nana as the truth teller, unless of course, she’s angling for a spot as the next housewife.

Kristen says that they shouldn’t have any more parties at Aviva’s.  I think we can all agree on that.

Next week the ladies go to Montana to ride horses and rope bulls, without Aviva.

Empress