Ramona’s back from Africa and she’s just full of stories about lions having quickies.   She and the group are at another charity event featuring jewelry designed by a friend of Heather’s.  Sonja is running late and Aviva isn’t there – also by design.   Heather begins to fill Ramona in on all of the Aviva/Carole drama and Ramona, who has found inner peace during her trip, wants Heather to meet with Aviva to see if the two can mend their very broken fences.  Heather isn’t so sure that anything good will come from a meeting and she really doesn’t want Aviva at her 10th anniversary party, and who could blame her?  She had originally invited Aviva, then uninvited her.   LuAnn is in attendance, wearing another set of coasters on her ears and is still keeping company with Jacques.  She’s shocked by  Ramona’s tale of the king of the jungle’s sexual activities and wants us to know that what happens in Africa should stay in Africa.  From what’s about to happen, maybe Ramona should have stayed in Africa.

Ramona, Sonja and Aviva are shopping at The Container Store and now it’s Aviva’s turn to argue her side of the story to Ramona.  Ramona, still channeling the Dalai Lama, tells Aviva that she should talk with Heather one on one.  Heather is holding a Yummie Tummie photo shoot with Kristen modeling leggings when Ramona calls. Ramona still thinks Heather should get together with Aviva and puts the conversation on speaker so that Aviva can pipe in when necessary.  The two own finally agree to speak, probably so Ramona will stop interfering.  They don’t know the depths of Ramona’s type of interference.

Heather meets with Aviva and it goes pretty much as we expected it would.  Aviva starts rattling off everything anyone has ever called her and a few things she just made up for good measure.  She also repeats that Carole and Heather “verbally raped her” and adds “she took it up the butt.”   Where does she come up with this stuff?  It wasn’t that good the first time, so there really isn’t any reason to repeat it, other than for Aviva to continue her role as victim.   She also tells Heather she’s “deeply, deeply hurt”  and asks Heather if she has any idea why.  Aviva asks this over and over “Do you know why?”  “Well, do you?”  “Do you want to know?”, “Do you?” – until Heather finally tells her she’s being dramatic, to get a job and calls her Miss Vassar.  Aviva, in her talking head, points out the “stay at home mom” jab, hoping none of us remember that she has called Carole old, and insinuated that the writer is an outcast among the Kennedy clan.  I guess those comments don’t count and anyway – so what, Aviva?  Heather says that she doesn’t really like Aviva all that much and asks her if she gives a shit about her.  Aviva says she does.  Heather then says she was outraged about the comments Aviva made about Carole.  Aviva then asks Heather if she and Carole are lovers.  What is this woman talking about?  This sounded a lot like Kelly Bensimon asking Bethenny and Ramona if they were going to make out, tongues and all, on Scary Island.  She wants Heather to understand that Carole’s book is like having babies, or something, and says that Carole’s comments were akin to asking a new mother if she’d had natural childbirth or a Cesarean.  My right eye is starting to twitch.  Some sort of loose truce is brokered between them and Aviva asks Heather if she’ll help to mend things for her with Carole.  Heather tells Aviva she can come to the anniversary party.

A couple of scenes gave us a tiny break from all of the fighting, until more fighting started.  The first was with Carole, Kristen and Jonathan, Heather’s husband.  The three of them met to sample caviar because as Jonathan tells it, “Caviar is foreplay for Heather.”   They also share a little naughty talk about threesomes and pick out what they hope is the perfect caviar for Heather.  Ramona also had a few moments to lament the fact that her daughter is going off to college.  She tells Avery that she should have a job and Avery says that she wants to work for her father’s business because she’d rather spend more time with him. Ramona looked a little hurt to hear that.  The other scene was one we probably could have done without and caused my left eye to start twitching.   Brandi and Yolanda met with Kristen and Carole to have lunch and talk about sex.  Brandi tells a story about Kristen’s bachelorette party in Las Vegas and a kiss between Kristen and an Elvis impersonator.  Things that happen in Vegas don’t stay in Vegas if Brandi has anything to say about it.  Brandi wants to know about Carole and George Clooney, and Carole laughs it off, saying that they dated during the Eisenhower administration.  When Kristen says that she and her husband aren’t having a lot of sex these days, Carole, in her talking head, says that Kristen should practice blowing, because it’s all men really want, anyway.  With a shrug and an eye-roll,  she says “They don’t call it a job for nothin”.   If Bravo wants to do anymore franchise crossovers, then I hope they send Brandi to Atlanta, specifically to Kenya’s house.

Ramona and Sonja drop by Aviva’s apartment so they can get their stories straight about their true feelings regarding Heather talk about the strides Aviva has made with Heather.   Aviva announces that she got a text from Heather, uninviting her from the anniversary party, signing off with her signature “Holla!”   Ramona and Sonja are shocked, shocked, shocked by how mean Heather is being to Aviva, so they decide, then and there, to boycott the party as a sign of solidarity with Aviva.  If they can get over being called white trash or compared to Anna Nicole Smith, then Heather has a lot of nerve not being as forgiving as they are.

It’s the night of Heather’s party and most of the guests have arrived, including LuAnn and Jacques.  LuAnn is  licking her paws and smoothing her fur, just waiting for the opportunity beside herself with the burden of having to deliver the news of the boycott.   Kristen and Josh are walking toward the gathering and arguing over how late they, well how late he is.  She says that they don’t communicate and he responds that if not communicating is their biggest problem then they’re fine.   He doesn’t seem to be able to grasp that communicating is the most important thing in a marriage, but he seems to live in his own world, by his own rules.   Once everyone is in place and the party has been going on for an hour and a half, LuAnn makes the big boycott announcement.  Ramona and Sonja didn’t bother to tell Heather they weren’t coming, they just didn’t show up.   Heather is understandably upset, then tells the group that the people she wants there, are there.  She also tells them that Ramona is a shit-stirrer, the “Singer Stinger.”   Yes, Heather was right when she said that if she had done that to Ramona, there’d be hell to pay.  The battle lines are drawn – alliances have been formed.  Another group of Housewives are at war.

Heather’s husband gave her a tote bag filled with cans of caviar, which she loved.  She toasted him, proclaimed her love for him and danced the night away.  Amanda was nowhere to be seen – that’s good news, right?

This is a poem Carole wrote for Heather, at Jonathan’s request,  and was read at the 10th anniversary party.  We never heard it because that scene ended up on the cutting room floor.

Ten Years
You’re Super-wife to Jon,
and Yummie Mummie to Ella and Jax,
A friend to wayward Mermaid Queens,
An upstate girl, with big city dreams.

You can roll tough with Puffy, and still giggle with the girls.
Ride motorbikes in denim, or rock a black dress and pearls.
You always do what is right, and not just what’s popular.
You tell people your mind, without judgment or gossip-er.
You’re serious in business, yet playful in life.
Met Jon on a beach, now you’re husband and wife.

Like the Eagle and the Hummingbird,
the Lion and Lamb,
the Athlete and the Spectator,
Or Peanut butter, and jam
I draw from your strengths.
For our differences I give thanks
But also, for your cheshire cat smile
and those three-paneled tanks.

Cheers to your wonderful husband,
and your beautiful marriage,
and to our vodka-fueled cherry bombs.
and a friendship I chair-ish.

Empress