Sonja is late for rehearsal for her Caburlesque production, but it really doesn’t matter because she’s going to wing it anyway.  She has some backup dancers and her gay friend – she wants us to know she loves her gays – waiting to find out how this is going to work.  It’s all kind of confusing when she describes the theme – something about Liza Minnelli meets The Great Gatsby.  She’s so certain of its success that she can see it going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas.  It sounds just like every one of her hare-brained schemes.  Maybe she’ll pop out of a toaster oven during her routine.

Carole and Kristen are driving to the Hamptons for the big shows.  When they arrive in Montauk, they meet up with Heather for some surfing lessons.  As they wiggle and squirm their way into their wetsuits, Heather notes that it makes Yummie Tummie look like child’s play.  Once it’s on, though, she feels like Catwoman.  Carole is busily ogling, then flirting with the instructors.

Sonja is borrowing a house from one of her friends in Southampton and has brought an entourage of interns with her – it takes a village, you know.  Oops, sorry, wrong Housewife.  She lets us know that one of the perks of the interns is working for her.   She’s having some trouble with her car and tells Tyler that he has to charge the battery and get some gas.  Another intern, Naomi – code name Pickles – is supposed to fix the rusted and falling front plate.   When she gets inside, Sonja uses the kitchen to practice her as yet undetermined routine.  She’s taken a shower and is so happy that the house has hot water because she’s saving money by not running any at her townhouse.  Please tell us you’re kidding, Sonja.

Everyone is gathering at an airplane hangar for the Caburlesque show which, we find out, is a charity event for the Long Island Gay and Lesbian Youth Center.  Sonja greets a friend of hers, Adriana La Glam, a drag performer who’s there to help Sonja with the show.  They try to have another rehearsal but Sonja decides that she doesn’t want anyone else on stage.  She’s a one-woman show.    Yes, she is.

The guests start to show up including Carole and Heather, Kristen and Josh, and Reid and Aviva who have brought the ever-present and always annoying Housewife groupie, Amanda.  LuAnn walks in and meets Kristen for the first time.  They chat about modeling and being tall and all sorts of important things.  While they try to have a conversation, Amanda is making weird sounds and griping about the quality of the martinis.  Apparently she overcame the bad booze problem, because she got drunker by the second.   Amanda spots Harry and tells the others that she knows him but he didn’t see her naked.  Okay.

Aviva makes a beeline for LuAnn and tells her how she’s made up with Ramona.  She then launches into her side of the ghostwriter saga, making sure to mention that “Princess” Carol is just awful.  She’s not going to get an argument from LuAnn, which is probably why she ran over to her in the first place.  LuAnn is still upset over some confrontations with Carole from last season.  This is sure to be the case of the shared enemy.  They decide that Carole is not a girl’s kind of girl.  While they’re talking, Heather is changing place cards to ensure that she and Carole are nowhere near Aviva.With some last minute help from Ben, Sonja is now ready to start her show.  The routine is pure Sonja with a couple of wardrobe malfunctions thrown in for good measure.  Amanda is  yapping throughout the whole thing.  “I saw a nipple”,  “That’s what menopause looks like” and to Aviva, simply “Oh my f**ing God.”   Heather can hear every word and, in her talking head, calls her the rudest person.

It’s the next morning and Kristen is hosting a get together for her friend Alba de Michael, a fashion designer.  Alba has a new line of swimsuits and cover ups and the women gather to try some pieces.  Sonja is checking out a very hot Argentinian – hmm, I see polo players.   Kristen comes out wearing one of the coverups and a very high cut swimsuit.  Heather arrives with Carole and Pickles brings them drinks.  I think she’s still Pickles.  She was Pizza and she might be Lettuce now.  It all depends on what’s in Sonja’s fridge.  The conversation turns to Harry and Sonja says that he’s with Aviva, Reid and Amanda.  Sonja thinks that Aviva is much more calm these days but Carole’s not quite so sure.  I now interrupt this recap for a special message from Vivacalm, brought to you by Aviva.  Yes, another Housewives’ promotion.

From Aviva’s Facebook page:  With my new product launching in March through GNC I thought I’d share some of the health benefits of the main ingredient Magnesium. ‪   (Just my very humble opinion, but I don’t think Aviva is getting the desired result)

Across town, Aviva, Reid, Harry and Amanda are talking about Sonja’s performance, and they’re less than kind, especially Amanda.  What is with this Amanda person?  Hasn’t she seen what happens to the other women who tried to become Housewives by hogging camera time and acting like Where’s Waldo?  Beside, she has this really nasally voice.   Anyway, Amanda wants to become another of Harry’s girls, too and she tells him that he better have an impressive package.  He tells her that it’s better unwrapped.  Romance is officially dead.

LuAnn has invited everyone to her house for dinner and too many drinks.  Harry brings Amanda and Sonja is pissed.  Her exact comment was  “She shows up like a bad rash when Harry’s around.”   Carole and Heather have brought Heather’s personal trainer, Will, along and Carole seems to really like Will.  Heather sees Amanda and can’t seem to remember her name, calling her Megan, Mindy and Mandy.   Carole takes LuAnn aside for a little heart to heart in an effort to resolve their differences.  Aviva is stealthing around, steam coming out of her ears at the thought that the two women may actually let bygones be bygones.  LuAnn and Carole agree to move forward and hug.   Aviva notes that this is no coincidence and that Carole is playing chess.  Oh no – another game of chess with a new Bobby Fischer.

Aviva joins the other women and jumps right into another rant about Carole.  She swears on her good leg that Carole is just bad – bad to the bone.  Aviva is drunk as a skunk – one childhood trauma has been overcome.   Sonja tells Aviva that writing a book is a major accomplishment and she should be proud of that.  Aviva is giddy now that someone has validated her, even if that someone is Sonja who has yet to accomplish anything.  They kiss and hug and almost dance in the streets.  Kristen has nothing to say.

Carole and Heather come out to where the others are sitting, followed by Amanda, of course, who is even more drunker than Aviva.  Sonja announces that they’ve gotten to the bottom of bookgate which just thrills Carole to no end.  Not really, she’s not interested in talking about bookgate.   Aviva tells Heather how she threatened her in her own house. Heather says that that is Aviva’s MO.  She says Aviva character assassins.  I think she meant assassinate but none of them are anywhere near sober.   Aviva tells Heather to stop pointing at her and lower her voice.   This is beginning to look like Kelly Bensimon 2.0.  Sssh, stop talking. Be quiet. Don’t turn red.  Now everybody’s talking over everybody else and nothing makes sense.  LuAnn, bless her bejeweled self, stands up, claps her hands like a schoolyard monitor and says, “I’m the hostess.  You have to break it up.”  She wants everyone but Carole and Aviva to leave the room so they can talk things out but no one’s listening.  LuAnn stomps away, angry that she can’t control the group in her own house.  She did come back to offer them all dessert, though.

Amanda joins the melee by slurring ” Not everybody is as equally as brilliant or as great of a writer.”  She may have been talking to herself or a lamp – I couldn’t tell.  Now Heather goes after Amanda telling her that Carole is her friend and she should stay out of it.  Amanda tells Heather,” Don’t go down that road.”  When Heather asks her what road, Amanda says “Being an asshole.  So be nice and walk the f**k away.”   She then stands up, sort of, and staggers out of the room muttering, “I’m gonna deck her in the face.”  Take note Amanda, that’s not how it works.  Punching someone in the face and decking them are two entirely different things. Heather hollers back, “Go ahead.  Deck me.”  See, that’s how it works.

Ramona knew enough to go to Africa and avoid all of it.

Empress