Let’s see…I’m trying to figure out if we learned anything new tonight.  Wait a minute, I’m still thinking.   Nope, I’ve got nothing.   It’s just the same old arguments that we’ve been listening to for the past 4 months.   These women can’t let anything go, even when it means they have to make stuff up just so they can argue some more.

Let’s take Yolanda’s complaints.  Before I get into her beef with Lisa, I want to say that I noticed  the word “literally” must not mean the same thing in Dutch.  Yolanda says that she has literally been locked up in her house with her tick-borne illness for literally eighteen months or literally two years.   According to my math, this means that she literally fell ill the same day she married David Foster.   That might explain a few other things, literally.  It’s been a tough couple of years for Yolanda because David locked her up like those kids from Flowers in the Attic and she only got to her beloved lemon grove when she climbed out onto the roof and ran up the hill.  Her problems with Lisa started right after she became sick when Lisa didn’t bring her chocolate croissants and lattes from Starbucks.  The thing is, Lisa did bring her food and beverages, but the staff kept telling her that Yolanda wasn’t available.  The only time Yolanda got any kind of nourishment was when Gigi slipped an almond under the door to the attic.  All of her trips and appearances and events with her King were handled by a Yolanda double – either that or her illness has prevented her from remembering anything.

During one of her escapes to the lemon grove, Yolanda decided to hold a paint by numbers party and called Lisa to make some pictures for Gigi’s definitely non-dorm like apartment in New York City.   Lisa called to say she couldn’t make it because she was sick of leaving Starbucks with the maid.   Yolanda didn’t accept Lisa’s answer and, during the reunion, told her that she was nothing more than a Hollywood friend.  Yolanda had gone to all sorts of trouble for the party, making guacamole from avocados she grew in clay pots in the attic.   She told Lisa that Gigi was heartbroken when Lisa didn’t paint a picture for her, and now the poor girl has abandoned her college plans for a career modeling without her clothes on.

Brandi can’t sleep at night because of the anxiety Lisa causes.  She’s so upset by the loss of their friendship that she’s trying to mend it by snooping into whether Ken and Lisa ever lived in Calabasas.  For only $9.99, Brandi found that the couple did own something in the valley, but that wasn’t really her mission.  She was looking for dirt, because, let’s face it, Brandi is a dirty fighter.  When she was mad at Adrienne Maloof, she spilled the beans about a surrogacy.  It wasn’t her story to tell, but that doesn’t stop Brandi.  So when the Calabasas thing didn’t work out the way she wanted, she went on her podcast and blabbed about some bankruptcy.  It didn’t matter if it was true or not, she just wanted to strike out, any way that she could.  When this came up at the reunion, Brandi looked to Kyle to back her up, but Kyle just made like a deer in the headlights and asked her what she was talking about.  Get used to it, Brandi – Kyle isn’t all that good at having someone’s back.

Brandi clearly doesn’t like Joyce and Joyce doesn’t like Brandi.  They both should have left it at that.  Joyce brought up the infamous night when Brandi was demonstrating how not to use feminine hygiene products. When Brandi couldn’t come up with a better response she made fun of Joyce’s reunion dress.  “Sochi’s calling!”  Well, that was hysterical, Brandi.  Good luck with your “I want to be Chelsea Handler” career plans.  I’m betting 20 bucks that Brandi thinks Sochi is something made from raw fish and rice.

Brandi has some standards when it comes to the kind of men she dates, which should come as a surprise to all of us.  She insists she doesn’t date ugly men.  I don’t know what that means and I don’t know why it matters.  Her book tells a different story, but she probably doesn’t remember what she wrote.  Sadly, I do and I hope someday I can forget about the guy with the plane  – the one Brandi had to get drunk for in order to bed him.

Carlton doesn’t like Joyce either and their dislike for one another turned into a debate about their husband’s penises.  For once, I have to agree with Kim – TMI.  Carlton sounded like she was trying to distance herself a bit from Brandi.   Even though she studied previous seasons, she bought into the early Brandi, much like all of us did.  She’s beginning to realize that she might have made the wrong choice now that Brandi has given away some secrets.  Carlton was most upset that Brandi let everyone know about their make out session.  According to Carlton, it is her right and duty, as a mother, to let her children know about her girl on girl action.  I want to be there when she tells them about Elizy’s real job and shows them the tapes of her licking a stripper pole.

Kyle is still crying to Lisa about their friendship.  We’ve been watching this same thing since the beginning of this franchise.  Maybe Lisa should give her a friendship ring.  What Kyle can’t wrap her brain around is that Lisa doesn’t seem all that interested in working on their friendship.  She did apologize for making the remark about Mauricio being friends only to sell houses.  Come to think of it, that’s about all Lisa said.  When she wasn’t being interrupted by the dogs with their bones, her only responses seemed to be “Oh, okay.”

Kim is dating Kingsley, considering a career with Cirque du Soleil and praying, whenever and wherever she feels the need to talk to God.  She says that she’s been sober throughout this season and now we’re seeing the real Kim.  Then again, she also said that being on the Real Housewives saved her life.  That may be true for her, but Bravo is killing the rest of us.

And after all of the reunions Andy Cohen has hosted, he hasn’t learned a thing.  He’s still the clown in chief – literally.

Empress