What an interesting week for the Real Housewives. On the West coast, they’re packing their children off to college, while on the East Coast, children are about to see their parents go to prison.
During this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kim and Yolanda bid tearful farewells to their daughters as they graduated from high school and entered college. Kim’s daughter, Kimberly, is attending the University of California San Diego and her mother has packed enough stuff to fill the entire dormitory. There’s bedding and a vacuum cleaner, a full size refrigerator, a suitcase full of hair accessories and a swimming pool. The dorm room is like any other dorm room – it’s about the size of the average walk-in closet and she’s going to share it with a roommate. We can only guess that neither Kim nor her daughter checked out the digs before they filled up the back of a pickup truck.
Kim doesn’t know what she’s going to do now that Kimberly is living away from home. She did meet an iguana in Puerto Rico and immediately fell in love with it. “He’s sooo cute. Cute. Cute. Cute. Just look at that widdle face. I looove him. I just want to kiss him on his widdle wizard wips.” Maybe her new-found friend will help her cope with life without Kimberly and give Kingsley something to play with. Somehow, I doubt it.
Yolanda, on the other hand, is clueless in another way. She sets up her darling Gigi in an apartment that costs more than the average college tuition. It’s decorated to the nines, with the exception of the wall art. We saw her putting up the pictures she brought, made by those who were fortunate enough to snag one of the highly coveted spots in Yolanda’s paint by number class. I bet Lisa regrets phoning in her regrets for that invitation. She has some really worthwhile advice for her daughter, too, although none of it has to do with getting an education. “Save your receipts. If you have your hair or nails done, save those receipts, because you can write them off on your tax returns.” I didn’t even think of that. I’ve decided that I’m a model now. I’m in the middle of doing my own taxes, so I’m going to enter the cost of my bottles of OPI nail polish and boxes of L’Oreal Feria, and see if the tax man gives me a break. By the way, the only modeling gig I think I’m going to get is with Tractor Supply as part of their “Carhartt is the new Versace” campaign. If you see it, and I’ll be the one rocking a pair of boot cut jeans, please vote for me – I’m in the running for their oldest rookie of the year contest.
Now, the bigger news – even bigger than tabloids in a suitcase – came from Bravo’s Housewives of New Jersey. Joe and Teresa Giudice entered guilty pleas on just a few of the 6,759 charges leveled against them. I read and speak legalese, but I’m not about to plow through that pile of paperwork. Other bloggers have and my hat is off to them. I thought I’d take a stab at what Joe and Tre have to look forward to, instead.
There’s a real possibility that they’re both going to see the inside of prison cells – the length of their sentences is still to be determined. I’m more interested in where they’re going to serve their time. I looked at the Federal prison website and there are all sorts of possibilities awaiting them. Joe has more options because there aren’t as many facilities for women. I found a couple in or near New Jersey, one of which even has a section called “camp”. I don’t think they’re weaving pot holders or learning how to put up tents, but it sounds so much better than “the big house”. Teresa is going to have a harder time staying near her family. There’s a perfectly good place in Danbury Connecticut, but that doesn’t mean she’ll go there. It’s where Martha Stewart wanted to go to serve her sentence, but that didn’t happen. Those folks in the federal system can be mischievous little devils when they want to be, especially when you lie to them. They sent Martha to Alderson in West Virginia, even after she told them what a burden it would be on her elderly mother on visitation days. They didn’t care, so Martha went to the mountains where she couldn’t see her stable of Friesians from her room.
Martha, it turns out, was a model prisoner, teaching the other inmates how to make ponchos from left over gum wrappers and giving them cooking tips like how to turn Cup’o’Soup into Chateaubriand. She was such a good prisoner, the feds let her go home early and placed her on house arrest. They did the same thing for Wesley Snipes, who served two and a half years of his sentence for tax evasion locked up and the other six months at home. I don’t know if Joe or Teresa will get the same treatment. It’s up to them and how they behave, I guess.
While I’m on the subject of Martha Stewart, there’s one thing that I have to give her credit for during her legal battle. She decided to take her punishment, sooner rather than later. Instead of fighting her conviction and waiting for the outcome of her appeal, she went to jail. As it turns out, her conviction was upheld, but she’d already done her time and the whole matter was behind her. The Giudices have fought tooth and nail, proclaiming their innocence to anyone who’ll listen, succeeding at nothing more than postponing the inevitable. Their defense attorneys were smart to have asked for severed trials – it’s what most criminal defense attorneys want in cases of co-defendants. There’s a very good chance it helped them with the plea deal. What I do wonder about is what could have happened if they’d approached their case this way earlier, by not holding their breath, pretending nothing was wrong and hoping it would all just go away. All of it might have been over and done with by now for them, too. As it stands, Joe will never see Gia go off to her high school prom, pretty as a picture, gown and all.