Yes, I read it and I’m going to blame ice storm Pax, which, apparently doesn’t always translate to peace. We lost our phone, internet and television service for about 30 hours. As Joni Mitchell says, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.”
I tried to read this as objectively as possible, but I don’t think I did a very good job at it. Brandi isn’t my favorite housewife this season for myriad reasons I’m sure most of you can understand, so despite my best efforts, I’m afraid that my opinion about this book isn’t entirely unbiased. Also, I didn’t read her first book, so I have no point of comparison. I’ve read some excerpts, though, and the reviews are as mixed as are the views of Brandi herself. Lastly, I’m not a drinker and don’t date, for the obvious reason that I’ve been married for most of my adult life, so this book doesn’t offer much in the way of practical advice for me – but it did fill up a couple of hours while I waited for Atlantic Broadband to put the cables back where they belonged.
The first two words in Chapter One are “Fuck me.” Frankly, the word “fuck”, in all variations and forms – noun, verb, adjective, adverb, etc. – is used so frequently that the book would have been about 30 pages shorter without it. Then there are #branditweetisms. Every page contains a hashtag – I assume to make Brandi look funny and edgy. Most of this chapter rehashes her marriage to Eddie and the hurt his affair and marriage to Leann Rimes caused her and her two boys. As for her boys, before calling them her little fuckers, she says that she has three permanent reminders of her marriage – Mason, Jake and HPV. You can make what you will out of that.
She also tells readers about her vaginal rejuvenation that turned her kitty into that of a 17 year old’s. She does clarify that, due to a sexual relationship with a well-endowed NFL player, it may be closer to 23 years old now. She claims that she’s still trying to figure out Twitter. She ends the chapter with some of the lessons she’s learned while dating after divorce:
1. Bathroom hookups are great ideas in theory – but a little less practical when there are cameras filming your every move.
2. It doesn’t matter how much money you have. Every woman gets wrinkly elbows eventually, and there’s no such thing as knee lifts. Trust me, I’ve checked.
3. You should never kiss and tell, especially when it’s a really famous Scottish actor and you’re on live television.
4. Finally, when you write and entire cunt-ry album about your affair with a married man, most people won’t buy it.
She spends a considerable amount of space talking about how awful it was to live in THE VALLEY, specifically Calabasas. She writes that her ex banished her there, locking her up like Rapunzel. Marriage is like being locked in a birdcage where you can see the world but not participate as you did before. You get restless, so marriages don’t really last more than 10 years. She then congratulates her parents for their own 45 year union.
It’s important to look as hot and beautiful as possible. This is a theme throughout the book. One’s looks matter, perhaps even more than character. No, I take that back, definitely more than character, or morals. She has a few rules about that, too.
1. If I’m in need of a little cosmetic enhancement, I can afford to fix it myself. And a little timely maintenance (#Fillers, #Botox #Boobs) can go a long way in avoiding ever having to have a face-lift.
2. If I work out hard enough and think positive, confident thought – my head and ass can still be twenty-five. May I add, it would help to avoid confusing the two.
Now that she’s an expert on post-divorce dating, she made a list of what her ideal partner should be:
1. Roughly five to eight years older than me, so I could avoid an Ashton/Demi-esque saga if it didn’t work out.
2. Either divorced or formerly in at least one long-term committed relationship.
3. Successful in his career.
4. A parent, an animal lover or, at the very least, a responsible plant owner. The plant part is very important as she tells us later on.
5. Someone who gives me butterflies.
Brandi tells us all about her dating life – both at 23 and at 40. She considered country clubs, but doesn’t like polo shirts and khaki shorts. Tennis outfits are cuter. The best place to meet men is at Home Depot. Just hang around for most of the day, then ask the first hot guy you see to get something down from a very high shelf.
Two chapters are devoted to douche bags – that would be Chapter 3: Douche Bags, Part One and Chapter 5: Douche Bags Part Two – and Brandi has dated more than her share. #maybeitsyounotthem
There’s The Criminal, a man who said he was a venture capitalist and had served time for swindling people out of their money. He also was charged with assaulting his ex-wife. That didn’t stop Brandi from dating him, though. Their dates were strange, to say the least – he was a cocaine user and liked to party with people half his age – and they broke up before things really got started when he asked her to go to a party at actor Brendan Fraser’s condo. She writes that she would have been really impressed if it was at George Clooney’s house and Lake Como, but Brendan Fraser just wasn’t up to Brandi’s standards.
Then, there was The Divorcé. This guy didn’t cut the mustard either, so I won’t spend any time writing about him
The Comedian doesn’t fall into the douche bag category, but Brandi didn’t last long with him either. She calls him Danny and says that he was about 6 inches shorter than she is. They tried to have sex, but he had been so funny before they hit the bed, she laughed at the most inappropriate times.
Desite her own rule about never dating actors, especially after her divorce from one, Brandi hooked up with a movie star she calls “Marty”, who saw her on a Malibu beach, during a party at the home of an NFL player. By the end of the day, they had had sex, but there weren’t any sparks, so he was gone.
The Actor/Rapper/Political Hopeful – This guy was on television, an African-American she calls “Wade”, whose manhood is described as the perfect cherry on top of a gorgeous chocolate sundae. He’s the one who stretched Brandi’s surgically renewed girly parts. They smoked pot together and enjoyed their rolls in the hay for the few months they were together.
Back to The Douche Bags.
The NBA Player was next in line. Brandi was on crutches with her broken foot when they met at the Skybar at the Mondrian Hotel. They went to Dan Tana’s for drinks and dinner, but spent more time groping each other under the table than they did eating the food. They left in a hurry, started to drive up Coldwater Canyon to his house, but couldn’t make it before pulling over on the side of the road. Finding that they couldn’t do what they wanted to do inside the Porsche, they satiated their desire on the hood of the car, instead, leaving a dent in it. She grew weary of him after a few weeks of listening to him carry on about his NBA buddy’s upcoming televised nuptials to a reality star – that would be Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian.
Moving on to The Fallen Star. Brandi had met him while she was still married and living in THE VALLEY. He was a producer of big-budget action movies and had blue eyes, brown hair, with muscled and tattooed arms. He also had a severe drug addiction and had been in and out of rehab. The two got back together through Facebook and dated for only a few short weeks. She became angry and shut him down when she found out he was still drinking and smoking pot. After their breakup, he “went on a three-day coke-fueled bender.” She felt somewhat guilty, believing that her silence caused his relapse. He did go back into rehab, got married and had a child.
Brandi has a chapter devoted to The Booty Call. She also has rules about that, too – no kissing, use a condom, know when to leave and choose them wisely, no good can come of having sex with someone you already broke up with.
She has what she call The Friend Box. Those are men who, even if she’s not romantically interested in them, should still remain friends because you never know when you’ll need them for some purpose or another. There’s her “other ex-husband”, Darin Harvey, who, as we all know, she married in Las Vegas on a whim. She calls him her soul mate and one of the most loyal friends she has.
Also in the friend box is Asher, The Boy Wonder. He was only 28 years old when they met and she describes him as an accomplished filmmaker “with a thing for cougars”. They didn’t have a sex until a year later, when he came over to her house to comfort her after her dog Chica disappeared. The sex wasn’t memorable and Asher was a player, so they remain just friends. Men should be kept as friends because “they’re good with computers or watch your dogs or have floor tickets to the Lakers or hang out with cool people like Dr. Dre.”
Brandi writes about what it’s like to date while being a parent. The chapter, however, starts out by, oh I don’t know how else to say it, bashing Leann Rimes. The boys are spoiled rotten at Eddie’s and Leann’s house – in Cala-fucking-basas, no less. There are clothes that they can only where at Dad’s house, and they have to change before they go back to Brandi. There are iPods, iPads, iRobots and M-Macs (I don’t even know what half of those things are, but they must be good). The grounds of the Cibrian-Rimes house are filled with a pool, a tree house, a zip line, a movie theater, a trampoline and a rock-climbing wall. She and her ex don’t communicate except though their assistants, and that’s usually via email – Brandi is blocked on Edddie’s cell phone. She does make a valid point that she should be consulted when big decision are to be made – like taking a 10 year old to an R rated movies or buying BB guns for the boys or allowing them to operate motorized dirt bikes.
She would love to have a real boyfriend who give her boys some male type of time and attention. She writes that he sons have expressed that they worry about her being lonely when they’re at their Dads. She says that it’s hard being only the three of them and would love to have a fourth person to fill the void. She also give herself and Eddies kudos for raising them as well as they have, and says that she’s made some measure of peace with Leann.
She talks about dating “the Silver Surfer”, who her boys took to almost immediately. To ensure that they didn’t fall totally in love with him, she told her sons that the surfer was gay, something she regretted the second she said it. There seems to be a lot of that going around when it comes to Brandi. Her rules for boyfriends and her sons actually make sense.
1. The Boyfriend and I need to be in an exclusive, committed relationship for more than six months.
2. He must introduce the idea of meeting my children Okay, maybe that one doesn’t make sense.
3. We need to have an open conversation about what it means for him to meet my kids.
4. The Boyfriend needs to introduce me to his family first and it has to be his idea. She admits that this is a double standard.
5. Finally, I need to be in love.
The Unicorn Chaser has his own chapter, with a little of The Latino added in for good measure. The UC is a television producer in New York, in his mid-thirties and he likes to wear a beanie, even when having sex. Their relationship was filled with fits and starts. Sex with him was nothing exceptional, and we all know how much that matters to Brandi- almost as much as being hot and beautiful. What she found most attractive about him was that he liked model types and was flattered that he wanted to be with one who was 38 years old. His bachelor pad was decorated with beanbag chairs, a zebra rug and a water bed. During one of his parties, they made out on his kitchen floor, which he cut short, sending her off in a cab.
During this, she was dating The Latino, and one night, as he was headed to Brandi’s house for dinner, she called him to cancel. The Unicorn Chaser had called and she wanted to spend the night with him. She asked The Latino if he could take care of her dogs, and he offered to clean up her kitchen while she went to, as she told him, the airport to visit a cousin who was in the hospital. So much for not making yourself too available or for having the least bit of respect of these guys. Some time later, she and The UC met up in New York City where they made out, but he finished himself off, leaving Brandi wanting more. Eventually, she realized what a player he was and dropped him, too.
She calls Chapter 13 “My ‘In Case of Emergency’ Contact”, and most of it is about The Latino. He’s the same guy who she made out with in Portia’s bathroom during the Umanskys’ annual White Party. He also works at Mauricio’s real estate firm. They date, they have sex, they break up and they make up. She started to question his intentions when his name started appearing in tabloids and on blogs. She says when she pulled back, he began to pursue her even more. After months of on again, off again, she wanted to know why they’d never spent a night at his apartment. He made some lame excuses, but she eventually won the argument and that’s when she threw a fit. He had a plastic plant – not a real live one. This broke one her cardinal rules about being able to nurture something or someone other than yourself. She accused him being unable to commit to anything, among other things. He asked her what it meant when he took care of her dogs and cleaned her kitchen. Good point. She said that he only wanted to be there for her when the cameras were on. None of us saws him get stood up for the UC or care for the dogs or clean her kitchen, so I’m questioning the validity of that argument. His response was that if he’s not there, some other gut was. Another good point. He was at her house to look for Chica before even Brandi returned from Palm Springs, then stayed the night, hugging her as she cried.
Even after this argument, he called Brandi to tell her that he was in love with her. She asked him to go to Puerto Rico with her. He said that he couldn’t afford to, that he had too much work and could never catch up if he went away. After her arrival in Puerto Rico, without him, he sent Brandi a long text, explaining that he needed to get out of Los Angeles and was in Italy. She was angry with him for the remainder of her trip. When she got back, The Latino called her from Rome and Brandi was pissed. She told him that, for a guy who couldn’t afford to go away on an all expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico, he seemed to have no problem spending $5 a minute to talk to her. They didn’t communicate until he got back to LA. He told her that he’d met and slept with a woman in Rome and he had feelings for the woman. After some time passed, she came by with an orchid and asked him if he’d be her emergency contact.
The epilogue was written by Brandi’s Mom, who says that she loves her daughter, in spite of and because of all of the things that seem to drive most of us crazy. She’s proud to be Brandi’s mother. That’s what Mom’s are supposed to say and I’m not going to criticize her for that.
I don’t think I was too tough on her, after all. I’m not sure who some of these men are, but I am curious. I hope that I saved your hard earned money and the time you would have spent reading the book.