This is probably the shortest recap I’m ever going to write about the Real Housewives because there was more drama on Twitter than there was during this episode.  Besides, I have more pressing matters to address later on.

Too much footage was spent on Carlton’s “Americana” party which meant that the chosen performers twirled around on stripper poles for the guests’ entertainment.  She also had women posted at the front door wearing body paint and little else, to hand out tequila shots at the door.   Brandi showed up wearing an outfit she stole from Shirley Temple and began to throw another temper tantrum over Lisa’s show of concern for her broken/not broken hand.  She then stomped off with one of her 47 BFFs, Jennifer, and called Lisa a motherf**ker.   While Mauricio was busily looking over Castle Carlton for resale, his wife, Kyle, asked another question that sent Carlton into a disgusted tailspin.  When she asked if Carlton’s new tattoo was a Jewish Star, Carlton snarled “Are you f**king kidding?” while making an obscene gesture with her hand.  It wasn’t the hostess’ only rude gesture – she also did a nasty little thing with her fingers and her tongue.  Luckily, Carlton’s children weren’t present.  She’d already dispatched them to their rooms after telling them that Mummy was about to be rude, drunk, a poor hostess and just an all round jackass, and that she didn’t want them to witness that.  She prefers to save her most embarrassing moments for the viewers.

Kyle tried to make nice-nice with Carlton by giving her one of her necklaces – too bad it wasn’t the giant rock on the dog chain.  For the briefest of moments, Carlton seemed to be touched by the gesture, only to turn back into her normal self, when she attended a finger-painting party at Yolanda’s house.  Amid the lemon trees, Carlton told the others, including Brandi and Joyce that she had a dream, resulting from her hangover, about Kyle and that Kyle had done bad things to her.  What she didn’t know was that Kyle also had a dream in which a house fell on Carlton, bringing hundreds of Munchkins out of hiding to dance and sing with joy.  The resident Wiccan also put a spell on Joyce.  Lisa had called to bow out of this get together, telling Yolanda that Giggy had a meeting with his publisher for his new book “Drinking and Barking”.  It’s sure to be a New York Times bestseller and the audio version will be even better.

Given that Brandi and Carlton have all but ruined this franchise, the strangest thing has happened.  Both of them have managed to make Kyle and Kim Richards almost likeable.  Kim looked like she was having fun at the autograph event, even when introduced to the were-baby and his were-mom.  Kyle, who I’ll freely admit hasn’t been one of my favorite housewives, seems downright sweet and nearly innocent under Carlton’s unrelenting barrage of intolerance and meanness towards her.   The only thing I can’t understand is how the table has turned between the Richards sisters and Brandi.  Brandi’s hidden crutches and her comments about Kim doing meth in the bathroom would be grounds for some grudge holding, but now they appear to be all sweetness, love and light.   Go figure.

As I mentioned, Twitter was where some real battles took place.  Yolanda was on WWHL and appeared to distance herself from Brandi and made it sound as if their friendship was more for the cameras.   Brandi took to Twitter to respond, and, as she had already announced to the world that it was her time of the month, called Yolanda out for her comments.  This became  even worse, as Yolanda responded in her tweet  that Brandi had better tread lightly because she was putting a child’s privacy at risk.  The child she meant was Gigi, the very same Gigi who’s been trotted out onto our screens and on billboards, promoting her burgeoning modeling career.   Brandi’s been at it ever since, dropping some tweets about Lisa, with Lisa tweeting back, yada, yada, yada.  Kyle has also weighed in, assuring Brandi that things are going to be just fine.   It’s kind of funny, but you can go cross-eyed trying to make sense of it all.  It smells a lot like the precursor to a reunion.

Now, back to the stuff that really matters.  If you saw the ladies of Atlanta, then you know about the brawl.  Nene started it when she came out in her silly negligee, having powdered every bit of her nose, in my opinion, but that’s not the point.   That episode, along with witches casting spells, stripper poles, and drunken women every week is getting to be  the type of programming viewers don’t really want to see.  I don’t know about you, but watching grown men and women beat each other while talking about strip clubs isn’t entertaining.  Neither are the ladies in Beverly Hills, who take every opportunity to show us that they really don’t know the first thing about how to behave.    We, the viewers, have been complaining that some cast members aren’t the kinds of people we want to watch.  We’ve also said that the storylines are stale and formulaic.  This is why I’ve decided to create my own dream cast for the Real Housewives of Wherever, women who can shake things up a little.   I hope you’ll like who I’ve chosen.

Olivia Pope:  Scandal is my middle name. Consider it handled.

Olivia Pope brings a great deal of experience with fixing things, and heaven knows that the Real Housewives have plenty that needs fixing.  I have every confidence that she could take care of various legal matters some Housewives and Househusbands, for that matter, are embroiled in.   Her staff, especially Huck, are skilled at all sorts of things, and getting to the truth, no matter what it takes, would be a walk in the park for Pope and Associates.   Her wardrobe would be the envy of all of them, as well.  The best part is that she has the President of the United States at her beck and call.  I don’t care what names the Housewives want to drop  – they’re never going to top that.

Amanda Clarke:  Revenge is a dish best served cold and I’ve been dishing it out for years.

Amanda, as a graduate of Revenge school, has shown us time and time again that she can handle herself.  With her assumed identity, she’s been able to take down some of the richest and most powerful members of Hampton’s high society.   Amanda also has her own sidekicks, including her bestie Nolan Ross, the techno-wizard.  She’s been shot, stabbed, betrayed, and somehow remains standing.  There’s no reason to doubt that she couldn’t bring her A-game to the Real Housewives and dish out whatever revenge she deems necessary – all while looking like she never breaks a sweat.

Michonne and Carol:  We’ve survived the zombie apocalypse – so yeah, bring it bitches.

These are women of few words, but don‘t take that to mean they don’t have something to say.   When they do speak, the Housewives would be wise to listen, or be prepared for some real battles.  Michonne is in her element when there are real attacks – not the kind of foolishness that the Housewives tend to engage in.  Carol is just as fierce, in her own way.  She’s at home with caring for her group and the children, but is more than ready to take out anyone who threatens their safety.  On their own, they can handle themselves, but I chose to put them together because a girl should always have someone to cover their back, in case a Housewife thinks she’s going to bite them.

Gemma Teller-Morrow:  When I say “stick a fork in it, you’re done”, I’m not kidding.

I saved Gemma for last because she’s a very special woman.  She’s not going to make any friends, and she won’t care to.  Gemma is much more comfortable around her family of bad boys and has never really been too happy around other women.  I think she should attend each and every dinner party and Bravo contrived getaway, just to annoy  and scare the crap out of the Housewives.  No one – not Nene or Brandi or Carlton or Aviva or Vicki is going to challenge her – not if they want to walk away under their own power.  She’s been a widow – twice, and wasn’t really sorry to see either of her husbands meet their untimely ends.   Given that,  I think she could hold her own against Juicy, Baby Joey, Apollo or Peter and, more than likely, would have them begging for mercy.

Empress