The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Luaus and Lies

How do you even write a recap about this episode without sounding like a damn fool?   Oh well, here it goes. Kyle Richards is having her vagina waxed in front of her niece and sister while her legs are in the air and holding a dildo but is too embarrassed to call it a vagina because it sounds gross.  The Richards sisters have come up with their own names for their girly pieces, like wiener and tweeter, woofer and sub-woofer.  Okay, so we get past that and are treated to pole dancing lessons with students, Carlton and Brandi.  Carlton is drunk out of her skull and Brandi is making herself dizzy doing upside down spins on the pole.   Carlton is wearing a pair of shorts that say “F**k You” and is fondling a friend of hers because she finds women’s bodies so beautiful.   She’s also impressed with Brandi’s talented performance on the pole.  Carlton licks the pole.  This is Bravo TV.

This is also the condition that Brandi and Carlton are in when they show up for the graduation party for a high school girl.   They have the munchies, so they stuff cheeseburgers into their faces while sitting on Kim’s front steps.  It’s moments like this when I so envy all of the fine people of Beverly Hills. Brandi Glanville, Carlton Gebbia

Brandi is shocked that some guy sent her a picture of his penis on her phone.  I’m not – nope, not shocked at all.  It’s gross, but Brandi seems to invite gross things and people into her life.   Once inside the party, which is a luau according to Kim, they head straight for the bar and are beside themselves that Kim, who is trying to stay sober, is not serving alcohol at a party for a teenager.   Joyce arrives, dressed in what looks like something right out of a Disney Does Hawaii show.   Yolanda couldn’t make it and Lisa is missing, which will cause all sorts of problems later on between Lisa and Kim.  Kim’s and Kyle’s sister is also absent because she’s at Buckingham Palace.  Maybe she meant Kris Jenner’s house.

Brandi, having been without alcohol for most of the day, is feeling sick.  She blames the Fat Burger for making her want to puke, so she heads for the bathroom for a little binge and purge cleanse.    Carlton hurries after her to listen from outside the door.  All she had to do was wait until she watched it on TV and could hear Brandi’s gagging and retching right along with the rest of us.  The two of them decide that they should leave and stumble back outside where Carlton calls a cab and the two head to the nearest bar with a stripper pole.

Lisa is calling the ladies to ask them if they would be willing to donate gowns for girls who are unable to purchase their own for their proms.  All of them agree.  Joyce is in the middle of a “No Bullying” campaign photo shoot where she poses flipping off bullies.   That’ll teach ’em.

The ladies gather at Lisa’s and Kim wants to know why Lisa wasn’t at her daughter’s party.  Lisa doesn’t seem to remember where she was and thinks that she was in Missouri for an event for children with alopecia.  Kim says that her hairdresser saw her at SUR so Lisa must be a big fat liar.  Lisa says that yes, maybe she was at SUR, come to think of it.   She also says that she and Ken got back late, but had sent a gift and had RSVP’d earlier saying that they couldn’t attend.  Kim says that Lisa is a big fat liar.  Ken then pipes up, reminding Kim about things she can’t remember, like all the times she didn’t attend events she was invited to.  Okay, maybe that was a cheap shot, given that Kim has spent most of the past decade in a fog.   Ken doesn’t want to apologize, he’d rather just escape, but he says that he’s just sticking up for his wife.  There’s a lot of double standards with this bunch, dontcha think?

Anyway, now that Kim has proved that Lisa is a big fat liar, the rest of the group shows up.  Kyle brings her dog, Roxy (recently deceased) who has eaten a bunny rabbit at Kyle’s house and  Lisa runs to rescue Giggy before he turns into an hors d’oeuvre.   Brandi wants to use this gathering to settle things with Joyce.   The others make themselves scarce, but Lisa and Kyle don’t wander too far off.  They want to listen to the showdown.   Brandi presents her opening argument by saying that she’s not a racist but she is a bitch.   She then says that when Joyce calls her a racist she puts the custody of her children in peril.   I’m giggling a little now, because there are oh so many reasons why her children’s custody would come into question, and none of them involve Joyce.  Now Joyce has her turn and presents her own talking points.  She says that she doesn’t think that Brandi’s a racist but she made racist comments.   She also tells Brandi that she’s tired of being bullied by her.  Joyce really has to let that go.  She’s not being bullied, and arguing about that, or about anything, with Brandi is a waste of time – ours and hers.

Lisa and Kyle are trying to hear what’s going on when Carlton arrives.  Now, I have no idea what could come out of her closet that would be suitable for anyone’s prom, but there she is, bearing some garments.  Because she’s fallen madly in love with Brandi and wants to marry her,  she jumps into the conversation between Brandi and Joyce.  She lectures Joyce on her use of labels and the damage they do.   Brandi says, over and over, that she; not a bully or a racist,  it’s just her being a bitch and if she was a bully she would have knocked out Joyce’s f**king teeth by now.   Okay, that’s better.  She’s not a bully or a racist – she’s a street thug.   Lisa then steps in and asks them if they can just end it.Brandi Glanville, Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, Kyle Richards

Joyce gets up and hugs Brandi, and Brandi apologizes, saying that she’ll never call Joyce anything other than her real name.   In her talking head, Brandi says that Joyce shouldn’t have touched her, squealing “eeewww” at the very thought of it.  And so, on Twitter and in galaxies far, far away, the war continues to this day.  Like I said, this is Bravo TV.


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19 Responses to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Luaus and Lies

  1. She’s a thug in a too small, barely fitting cocktail dress!! In my day it was called “Picking on” Brandi has been picking on Joyce. Bully was a word we used for physical violence. And the best way not to be picked on was to be quicker with you words and meaner with your words……lesson learned in elementary school…..just saying. And Brandi can “dish it out but she can’t take it” so last week she ran away from the table. BH is rapidly going the way of the other HWs shows I don’t watch anymore.

    Hope it is being a Happy New Year!!!

    • Oh pindy, this was a particularly nasty episode with lots of gross stuff. It’s really a shame what’s happened to this franchise. Am I crazy to hold out hope for New York?

      • No, I am holding out hope. This episode was so gross. I changed channels a couple of times. But I want to believe that NY will stay classy but I could already be delusional, lol!!!

      • disgrazia4 says:

        I am just so done with the whole franchise series Empress. Looking at the previews for NYC, I’d advise you NOT to hold your breath expecting a higher level of maturity from these ladies. Teeth dropping, legs flying and vulgarities dribbling from everyones lips. Bravo seems determined to bring the it all crashing down. Where are those icky Walkers when you need them.

        I am watching Bigfoot Bounty. At least there is a point to it, whether or not the chase is futile. Unlike Bravo where all the ladies chase their own angry tails.

        • Disgrazia, I know – I’m being so naive to think New York is going to be any better. I mean really, teeth and legs dropping all over the place. It’s such a shame. BH and NY used to be my favorites.

      • plainviewsue says:

        Is this seriously what Bravo thinks we want to watch? I miss the early seasons. I miss Vicki being upset that they sent a van that was too small to get to the airport! I miss the housewives seeming to genuinely like each other and have fun. Yes, some drama is good. Like Simon showing up at Jill’s dinner party and Ramona having a crisis about it! That was fun. Ramona and Jill playing tennis. Even cuckoo Kelly and Bethenny at the Monkey Bar. I’ll take Camille & her wacko pal Alison DuBois over this crap.

  2. Stacey says:

    I feel so good about myself when I watch these wealthy insecure women act like foolish children. And bravo to Ken for tossing shade at the self righteous a-hole Kim about not showing up! BURN!

  3. TexasTart says:

    The first sentence says it all!!! Another winner is….” It’s moments like this when I so envy all of the fine people of Beverly Hills.” Don’t we all – LOL! Enjoyed your recap Empress! Have a good day. 🙂

  4. krie says:

    I love Ken Lisa and Giggy. I am sick of Kim and I still think she is on something. They RSVP’d and sent a gift from Tiffany’s. What the hell else does Kim want. Does she want them to kiss her ass. GMAFB. I was glad to see Ken give it back to Kim all the things she missed because of her drunk or high. She is the last one to talk about someone not coming.

    • Belle says:

      And according to Lisa, no acknowledgement or thank you note for said gift.

    • krie, I’m on the fence about that exchange between Ken and Kim. It was a low blow but then I think about things like the way she acted in Hawaii and Paris and a few other times and then I think that maybe she had it coming. Kim and Kyle have always acted as if they are the entitled ones.

  5. MelTheHound says:

    As much as it pains me to admit this, I miss the Lips McGee days when there was something real to pick apart. The K. Grammar cheating on his wife as he was trading her in for a newer model when, even though she was the biggest bitch on the cast, we could still cheer a bit in support of Camille because Kelsey was a bigger bitch.

  6. cusi77 says:

    What a great Blog, Empress! You made me laugh hard! I wish I could stop watching… what makes for me worth to watch are the Blogs and the funny comments about these wanna be ladies! Besos!

  7. Megyn White (@WhiteMegyn) says:

    I love your blog because you tell it like it is – no sides, no favorites. Brandi and Carlton are definitely not ladies. As the saying goes, you can take the girl out of the trailer park… or in Carlton’s case, council estates. Brandi had better make all the money she can now; she is losing her “appeal” and any positive reputation she may have had prior to BH. She’s already past her peak of popularity and heading downwards quickly – straight to rehab! (Too bad Celebrity Rehab isn’t on any longer; that would’ve naturally been the next step of her television “career”. Or perhaps a third book installment “Drinking & Rehab”!)

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