Kingsley’s home. He’s on a leash and wearing that muzzle. I still think Kim should have been sent to obedience school and maybe had some socialization to boot. She has no intention of doing most of what the trainer told her to do with her dog, so Kingsley will be back on her bed, gnawing up everything she owns and attacking the UPS guy in two shakes of a puppy’s tail. On the other side of town, Carlton is teaching her kids how to be responsible by having them clean up their mini-mansion. I have no idea what happened inside that playhouse, but it was pretty bad in there. Then, in the long-held traditions of Wiccans, the children scooped up a spider and released it into the garden. I don’t like spiders, so if I’d found it, that thing would have been moosh .
Carlton also brought us along as she added another tattoo. This one was a pentagram, with her children’s names and the words”Blessed Be”” on the nape of her neck. Her chained top and piggy tails were more interesting.
The SUR dinner fiasco is in full swing – still. Brandi doesn’t seem to be making any headway in her Joyce takedown, probably because the only thing she knows how to say is “shut the f**k up” and “f**k you”. She even inserted those phrases when addressing Michael, as in “I don’t have a husband. F**k you.” See, it’s the type of thing that fits all occasions. Realizing that she might be losing this particular debate, Brandi begins to cry about her lost dog. “I miss my puppy. F**k you.” Aw, c’mon Brandi. What happened to the “bring it bitch” stuff. You used your talking head to tell us that if you were really a bully you would have knocked Joyce’s teeth out. What the hell are you crying about? You asked Michael to bring it and when he did you folded like an origami owl. Being told you might need rehab is not disgusting. A lot of us happen to agree. I can’t tell if she was drunk at this particular time, but I’m going to assume for the purposes of this blog that Brandi is drunk-ish a good deal of the time. Not an excuse, just an observation.
Lisa and Yolanda want us to believe that Brandi’s missing dog was just the tip of the iceberg of bad things Brandi is going through. I’ve never been in her shoes, but I’d like to think that having one’s husband cheating with a country singer and finding out about it while pregnant has to be way up on the list of “going though bad things.” We will ignore the fact that the dog went missing after Brandi started in on Joyce, because we’re just crazy viewers with faulty memories. Yolanda helps a sobbing Brandi out to a waiting car and tells her to go home and hug her babies – after gargling with Listerine.
Yolanda then returns to the table to convince Joyce that Brandi really is a very beautiful person inside, that she’s a loyal and honest friend, but that, right now, her head is going to both implode and explode. Not easy to do and it has to hurt. Joyce says that she doesn’t see it and that Brandi is bullying her. It’s not exactly bullying – more like Honey Badgering. Ken says that almost everyone at the table likes and loves Brandi but Michael says that all he sees is a train wreck ready to derail again. In her talking head, Joyce says that if God can forgive what happened to his Son, then she can forgive Brandi for being a bitch. Oh Joyce, you had me until you made that dumb statement. For your penance, you have to adopt a spider, right after you go swimming.
The dinner at SUR resonates throughout all of Beverly Hills and has spilled out into the surrounding towns. Even those who weren’t there have something to say about it. Kyle wants to hear every detail and Joyce is more than happy to share her side of things. By the way, Kyle thinks golf is like baseball. Brandi tries to explain what happened to two of her besties, as least the parts she can remember, and finds out that one of them, Etirsa, didn’t think Brandi’s little joke about black people, weaves and swimming wasn’t all that funny. Brandi pleads with them for understanding – “But you don’t know what she did to me.” Oh, on second thought, that was Taylor, at another party during a different season. Never mind. Ken and Lisa are also rehashing the evening while shopping for antiques for their new restaurant Pump. Ken thinks Michael should have stayed out of the whole thing and let the two women take it out to the parking lot for a few rounds. Lisa doesn’t agree, probably because Ken came to Brandi’s defense when Mauricio was being a big old meanie-man to the fragile little hothouse flower.
It’s now time for Kyle’s fundraiser fashion show and her 13-year-old daughter, Sophia, doesn’t want to walk the runway. Kyle hears the voice of Big Kathy in her head – the one that says “fake it til you make it” and, next thing you know, Sophia is standing in the store window, modeling a dress that looks like every other dress at Kyle’s boutique. Kyle has a special guest, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Kyle is so far up Jamie’s butt that she may need surgical intervention to disengage her head.
“I was only 7 years old and you were only 19, but you carried me back to my trailer while we were filming ‘Halloween’. You were so warm and nurturing even then. I love you Jamie.” It was nice to see Ms. Curtis, though, especially without a container of Activia nearby. Kyle and Mauricio do get points for their incredibly generous contributions to the L.A. Children’s Hospital. Way to go, Umanskys.
The fashion show goes on with nary a hitch, considering that Brandi and Joyce had brought their gangs along. Carlton spent the evening ogling and drooling over Brandi’s hotness. Afterwards, Lisa invites Joyce for a drink. Joyce shows up at Lisa’s house, with a gift, and the two talk about – what else – Brandi. Joyce says that Lisa makes excuses for Brandi but Lisa denies it. She tells Joyce that Brandi is going through some bad times right now – and 5 years ago and yesterday and tomorrow. Joyce says that she talked to her friend Crystal, the one who Brandi named in an attempt to hurt Joyce and Crystal told her that she’d only seen Brandi a couple of times and never said the things Brandi reported that she did. Lisa says that she can’t chastise Brandi and Joyce doesn’t know what chastise means, or maybe it was the way Lisa pronounced the word. Yolanda is trying to explain that her choice of words may not be working. Brandi doesn’t care. She’s an unfiltered, free spirit who can’t control herself and doesn’t appear to want to. Oh yea, and she misses her puppy and her kids when they’re with their dad. If that’s the case, then Brandi is going to be this Brandi until they turn 18.
This is how Joyce describes Brandi’s MO: 1. she goes on the attack, 2. she starts using “f**k you”, “”shut the f**k up” and “go f**k yourself” to make her points, and 3. when all else fails, she turns into a victim. Couldn’t have put it better myself.
This episode didn’t live up to its title. The catfight never happened, not even at SUR. There’s no crying in catfights.