The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – She Hearts You, She Hearts You Not

Yolanda is planning a dinner party to celebrate her road towards recovery after nine months of being ill with Lyme Disease.  What better way to commemorate this than by inviting the ladies of Bravo’s Beverly Hills?   She’s at a florist, spending $1,000 on flowers and planning her menu with the caterer.  It’s exhausting work.

It’s suddenly evening and Joyce and her husband, Michael are out for dinner, where Joyce tells him all about the trip to Palm Springs because they didn’t have the opportunity to talk until the cameras were on them.   Her husband is shocked after hearing the things Brandi said to Joyce,  and she says that she should have said that Brandi is a whore.

Oops, it’s daylight again and Brandi is posting flyers on light poles asking for the public’s help in finding her dog Chica, who went missing after a mysterious burglary or  dog-napping incident while they were in Palm Springs.  She’s also enlisted the aid of her BFF Jennifer, another friend Salvador, along with Mauricio, Kyle, Kim and Portia.  Mauricio tried to tell Portia that everyone should keep positive thoughts but Portia slapped her hand over his mouth.   So far the only one who got in trouble for the missing chihuahua was Brandi’s assistant, Cameron.   Hold on right there – Brandi has an assistant?  I thought she was a Kim Richardsstruggling, single Mom, working her fingers to the bone to keep a roof over her children’s heads.   Oh well, what really happened was that Kingsley helped Chica escape – then he was taken into custody, put behind bars and driven away to some secret location for interrogation.  Kim’s working on raising bond money for his release.   As long as he keeps that muzzle on, he’ll never give up Chica’s whereabouts.  Dogs are good at keeping secrets.

Carlton is working out the details for her basement “play room” with the beautiful and inappropriate nanny, Elizy.   While Carlton writes down her notes for the proper placement of certain gadCarlton Gebbiagets and devices, Elizy pretends that she’s never seen the collection of whips, handcuffs and masks with gag-balls.Carlton likes to keep her man happy – 50 Shades of Gebbia-style.  I’m not judging any couple or what they want to do to keep the flame alive.  Whatever blows your skirt up.

Casa Foster is a busy place.  The caterer is injecting the strawberries with a syringe filled with Gran Marnier and placing them into the glass showcase known as Yolanda’s fridge.   The guests are on their way, and Kyle and Brandi are sharing a limo.  They’ve already started drinking and Kyle wants Brandi to model at a fund-raiser for the children’s hospital.  Brandi says that she’ll do anything for the kids, even crawl on her knees, licking dust off the floor in her thong.  Thanks, Brandi, but I think the kids have enough problems without having to see that.   Carlton calls Yolanda, who’s getting dressed in a closet that could pass for a boutique, and tells her that she can’t come because she’s sick and doesn’t want to be around Yolanda due to her illness.  What she meant was that Elizy swallowed the key to the restraints, and Carlton and her husband were chained to a wall in the play room.

Brandi and Kyle are at the door and David answers.  He tells them that Gigi is going to be Carlton’s seat filler for the dinner.  Joyce and Michael are next to arrive and Brandi, in her talking head, explains that Joyce is very competitive.  Everything has to be about Joyce.  Even Gigi is competition because she’s younger and prettier than Joyce.  Oh, Brandi, give it a rest.  Joyce is younger and at least as pretty as you are.  You’re starting to sound a bit competitive, too.

Mauricio arrives alone and hugs Ken.  Kyle comes over to kiss her husband, putting to rest any rumors that he’s cheating on her with Ken Todd.  Kim manages to get there, somehow. Lisa, Brandi and Kyle greet eachKyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump other by doing some Beverly Hills ritual of breast grabbing and boob bumping.  They want to know who has implants and who doesn’t and the best way to find out is by feeling each other up.  Let’s all try that at the next dinner parties we attend, okay?

The guests are brought into the dining room and there’s a huge blow up over the place cards.  Kyle wants to know why her card doesn’t have a heart on it.  “But, but, but, Lisa has one and Brandi has one and Kim and I don’t have hearts.  I want a heart and I want it now.  I’ll start crying – or do the splits.”  Yolanda says that it was her unconscious speaking, but, then says that the hearts are reserved for the Dream Team.  This from the woman who talks about the group acting like grown women and not being in junior high.   Brandi says that it was a dicky accident – what the hell is a dicky accident? – so Yolanda has to be forgiven.

Brandi is getting drunker by the minute and starts giggling about everything.  David rises to give a toast to his guests and his wife, then Yolanda stands and offers a toast to her husband.  it was really sweet, actually.  She thanked him for his love and for standing beside her during her illness.   Then David asks Joyce to give a toast in Spanish.  Thanks to Bravo’s sub-titles, we saw that it was clearly a thoughtful and beautiful toast.  Brandi, however, finds the whole thing downright hilarious, and starts making remarks about Joyce’s pageant placement.  Has she ever eaten at the grownups’ table before?   Of, course, Lisa tries to stop her nonsense, but laughs right along with Brandi, so it kind of lost any sense of sincerity.  Brandi now wants to know whether Michael is a baby or a man, mocking Joyce for calling her husband “baby”.  Michael says that he’s both and that his wife can call him baby if she likes.  You have to love a guy who stands up for his wife – and is man enough to be called baby in public.

David then asks Gigi, who ate two pumpkin seeds during dinner,  to tell the group about the secret language she shares with her sisters.  She offers a few words of personal gibberish but Kyle thinks the girl is stealing the limelight.  “OOO- OOO, over here!!!  Kim and I have a secret language, too. ”   Kim and Kyle, who were both actresses – dontcha know – start speaking Richards and everyone feigns interest.   Kyle also enjoys chomping on those strawberries, telling everyone that they’re filled with Botox.   She’s a funny girl, alright – and a posed and elegant dinner guest, as well.

David then announces that it’s time for the evening’s entertainment.  He orders the Canadian Tenors out of the kitchen where they’ve been rinsing dirty dishes with the catering staff.   David tells his guests that they can sing along, then changes his mind and sits at the piano.  The tenors sing “The Prayer” (pardon my teary, wistful sigh).  See Bravo,  THIS IS WHAT WE WANT.  Rich people having fancy dinner parties with fabulous and famous people singing wonderful songs.   Just film music night at the Foster house, leave the rest of the ladies at home and viewers might start coming back for more.David

The party’s over and Joyce and Michael are in their limo.   Michael says that Brandi is lonely and drinks too much.  He suggests that Joyce have a Brandi intervention but Joyce declines.  She tells Michael that that’s a task best left to the Dream Team.  Or the viewers.


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5 Responses to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – She Hearts You, She Hearts You Not

  1. MelTheHound says:

    Thank you Empress…

    I hate these people more and more each week. I am down to 2 franchises and one of them is on very shaky ground. I REALLY would like to see all these shows recast each season. Then at least it would have a sense of ‘not same old shit’ too me.

  2. Hambone says:

    Excellent, as always, & right on point! I LOLd at so much of what you wrote! I love your sense of humor! 🙂

  3. SSOOOO after all these seasons and these gals don’t know who has fake titties and who doesn’t !!!! PLEASE….. don’t they know titties get played with after a few shots .. a few beers and ONLY at BBQ’S !!!!! FREE BIRD playing in the background…and horseshoes clanking….
    and Lizzzzzaaaa the over the pond Queen…referring to Joyce’s husbands balls as her two babies…ya know..I think LUGMAN may have been on the right track..MONEY CANT BUY YOU CLASS….
    Bravo has really let these shows go deeper into the gutter…the thrill truly is gone..

  4. Stacey says:

    Brandi needs to find a liquor store that sells ball gags with a gallon jug of hooch. Then all would be right with the world. And I absolutely love Joyce’s baby…although not enough to remember his name!

  5. windycitywondering2 says:

    Happy New Year to you and yours Empress – may 2014 hold everything that you need and some of what you want as well.
    Well, I could watch Yolanda prepare for and execute her gastronomic productions, complete with landscaped tables and after dinner live entertainment of the highest caliber – all day long. And I could stand in sheer wonderment in front of her floor to ceiling, glass fronted, ever changing, food art display….and when I tire of that, I would wander into her closet with a row of boots neatly paired in descending height order…(me: big sigh)… this is why I watch this show.
    I have gone from being interested to being disgusted with the HW franchise machine. The constant petty dramas, pity parties and horrible storylines overshadow the peeks at the fabulous things that they take for granted! And then reading posts on various HW centric blogs and twitter “conversations” from both the cast members and the “fans” make me sad – most are so full of hateful words, hateful suggestions to both cast and fans who view things differently than they do and ridiculous assumptions of any given housewife’s “intent” or “agenda” that they put Brandi to shame in the unfiltered mouth department.
    I have been revisiting old favorites and finding new channels that entertain me. So I have headed back to Haven and am waiting patiently for The Walking Dead to return and the Olympics to start. 2014 will be the year of very little “reality” tv shows for me – give me scripted entertainment, the farther fetched the better!

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