Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? The Housewives were doing normal housewives things with their families, except for Carlton.
She took her cat, who had fallen off a balcony, to a witch doctor who turned the poor feline into a voodoo doll and started sticking pins into it. Midnight the cat didn’t enjoy getting stuck and made plans for later that evening to accidentally knock over some of the witches balls out in Carlton’s garden and put his own spell on his mistress.
Brandi was cleaning up after her dogs who never see the light of day and have to resort to doing their business in the house. Relying on tips she took from Kim, she scolded the first dog see saw for making the mess, whether it was guilty or not. When she tried to sweet talk the confused pooch and apologize for yelling at it, the dog turned and walked away, then headed straight for the phone to call the attorneys at the ASPCA.
Kyle has another tactic for dealing with her dog’s waste removal. She’s posted a schedule for each of her daughters, on sticky notes, designating which day of the week they’re in charge of poop patrol. It didn’t sound like any of them follow the schedule or pay any attention to what Kyle wants. While Portia is propped up on the kitchen counter eating some chocolate delight, Mauricio enters stage right and, after kissing his wife and daughter, joins his wife in the bedroom in order to promulgate the rumors of his cheating. Ken and Lisa are also discussing the rumors, although, to his credit, Ken tries to shut his wife down and backs his friend, Mauricio. Ken doesn’t believe that Mauricio is cheating but Lisa insists that one never knows. I think I can put the whole cheating rumor thing to rest right here and now. My sources – that would be me and my dogs, who can sniff out a story like nobody’s business – have found that the person behind these horrendous tales is none other than Teresa Giudice. I really hope she stops before we see stories about Brandi and Melissa Gorga and a stripper pole.
I hope you’ll indulge me just a bit more with this “Mauricio is/isn’t a cheater” storyline. Aside from Lisa and the Umanskys themselves, no one else is really talking about it. Prior to this season, Kyle’s storyline was her sister Kim and her addiction problems. She really doesn’t have much going for her now it seems, other than the rumors she so adamantly renounces. Would it be so far-fetched to think that she is taking the same route as the Gorgas and keeping this nonsense alive for the sake of a storyline? It just seems to me that the tabloid talk has become as important to all of the franchises as the Housewives themselves. Watching a couple talk about rumors that they claim to hate and repeatedly deny are the kinds of things that make me go hmm. There may be smoke, but that doesn’t always mean there’s fire, just someone blowing a lot of hot air around.
In order to give Joyce some air time, Kyle and she went to Kyle’s skin care lady, who put medieval masks on them, hooked them to electrodes and tried to force them to be ladylike. It won’t work. Instead, Joyce announced that the girls should go on a trip to Palm Springs because viewers haven’t had enough of those forced Bravo arranged getaways. You just know that Kyle will start crying about something, then do some splits.
Kim’s daughter, Kimberly, is getting ready for her high school graduation and Kim is happy to see her daughters get the education she never did. The same thing goes for Kyle, which is fairly obvious but Kyle wishes her daughters would stay home forever. Kim and Kyle’s sister, Kathy Hilton, has found the time she didn’t have for Kyle’s daughter’s graduation, to make it to Kimberly’s. She brings an arrangement of flowers and a list of criticisms over what Kim is wearing. First she tells her to change her dress and, after Kim complies, Kathy asks her sister if she is really wearing “those” shoes. Kathy must be really smarting since Kris Jenner took over her title as pimp worst mother of the year.
Yolanda’s Mom and brother flew from their home in The Netherlands in order to attend the ceremony as David Foster received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 
There were some very sweet moments between the Housewife and her family, and then, as her husband’s star took its place next to Buddy Holly’s. Other musical legends were there in his honor, including Natalie Cole, Carole Bayer Sager and Stevie Wonder. Brandi, in her talking head, waved hello at Stevie Wonder. She then proceeded to get drunk and send out angry tweets, calling him a hater and threatening to block him because he didn’t wave back.
Brandi went shopping for bikinis with Lisa, so that viewers could see her nearly naked again. It also gave her the opportunity to tell Lisa that she had a make out session with Carlton. Oh dear, I take it all back. There’s nothing normal going on here, at all. I’m beginning to understand why Dr. Phil was at David Foster’s event.
I was wondering about a couple of things, like the talking heads, and the number of scenes featuring dogs. Does anyone know where Kingsley was? Kyle was wearing a choke collar with a huge crystal amulet hanging from it in her talking heads. That means one of two things. Either Kingsley has run away from home, leaving all vestiges of his life with Kim behind him, or Kyle is borrowing jewelry from Countess LuAnn.
Empress
realhousewifeofaiken 
What a great read, empress! So funny. Loved the Kingsley bit at the end…but seriously. I’m more attached to Kingsley than to Kim!
“I’m more attached to Kingsley than to Kim!” LOL! We all are, Lainey. Run Kingsley, run!
Best line of your recap: “She then proceeded to get drunk and send out angry tweets, calling him a hater and threatening to block him because he didn’t wave back.”
Thanks BB. Now I’m off to read your recap. 🙂
OMG, Empress you crack me up! Thank God I don’t watch these miserable shows anymore because you are far more entertaining. Loved the Brandi/Stevie Wonder snub; when I first read it I actually thought to myself “Brandi really is a dim bulb” but then I realized it was a joke. I don’t know if that makes me dumber than her for believing it at first glance but it make me laugh my head off. Thanks for making me giggle!
My fictitious Brandi/Stevie snub gave you a moment’s pause only because it sounds like something she’s actually capable of. Glad it gave you the giggles. 😀
I know Brandi is a piece of work but she can’t be that stupid to expect Stevie Wonder to wave back, can she?
Brandi’s level of intelligence is always in question, but I kinda made that part up. 😉
If Stevie could see he would have ran like hell before the STD’s could jump off Brandi and infect him! Great recap Empress. Funny to see Kathy judging Kim when dressed as Delta Burke! Good taste runs away from that whole family LOL I hope Kingsley takes out the whole lot of them….good dog!
I felt sorry for Kim when Kathy was criticizing her. She just seems to act as if she’s so much better than her sisters because she married a Hilton. When your daughter’s claim to fame is a sex tape, you’re in no position to look down your nose at anyone else.
Glad you enjoyed the post, Stacey. 🙂
This episode was different than the normal dramatic dramas. Thank you Empress for your take on when realities collide. Guess we are now all able to relate to the women of BH because many of us have dealt with pets’ poop and health issues, having falling outs with family and experienced or will experience our children leaving our nests.
My mind wandered back to Kyle’s bs about she doesn’t have a “camp” or knows how to work the paps (even though she states she has been in the limelight her entire life). I remember watching a cellphone camera capture Kim being inebriated and/or high is an airport waiting in the wrong terminal for the wrong flight home asking if anyone knew who she was in a somewhat incoherent, speech slurred state. It was on the internet one day and off 99% of the sites the next day. That wasn’t done because all those folks had a simultaneous pity party for her – that took a camp and lawyers to make happen. They (including sister Kathy) pay dearly to project an image they want believed by the public!
Last night it dawned on me that the Richard Sisters have been using a PR firm to turn around the damage they have done to themselves by being on this show. Are we supposed to relate to giving dogs baths, allowing our children to sit and/or put their dirty shoes on our kitchen counters (this is a personal pet peeve of mine), lamenting who the ultimate care of a wanted pet really falls upon or watching our children grow up, hit major milestones but still want them to be the precious bundles of joy we fell in love with at first sight?? I can relate to all those things.
But I also remember the horror of Kyle exposing Kim’s not well kept secret about her addictions, how their tag team dynamic allowed for them to ganged up so cruelly on Brandi at Pamdana’s game night, listen to them continue to accuse the others of lying and being unsupportive of them, watching as they play the enemy of my sister will get a double helping of their nasty words and/or behaviors and never letting us forget they are different because they were “child stars”. And these are things I just can’t relate to, condone or excuse.
windy, Even given those few forced scenes of domesticity last night, I doubt that many of us could relate to the HWs. Kim and Kyle are stuck in some time warp, believing that they’re still starlets, and, therefor, Hollywood royalty. That being said, I don’t doubt that they and the Hiltons have some clout over what shows up in print. When Kyle said that she spent her life in the limelight, I laughed, because I could barely remember who she or Kim were.
ITA, Kyle was cruel to her sister by screaming her addictions all over TV and both of the Richards sister showed their nasty streak by playing hide the crutches from Brandi – among other things. Brandi has now turned into their spitting image, calling out truths that don’t belong to her and making a fool of herself in public and on TV, all the while claiming she’s a wonderful and protective Mom.
I guess it’s fairly apparent that I don’t care for most of the HWs, and although I’m still trying to like Lisa, I recognize that she’s in it for the drama and the fame. It seems to be the pattern amongst all of them, in every franchise.
I’ve wanted to mention that Countess Squash Blossom High Horse-esqe necklace since the beginning of the season, but have only had time for lurking with no time for participation. I have a picture burned into my imagination that involves Brandi nicknaming it – “Kyle’s Stevie Wonder necklace” in one of her talking head interviews…….
Dear Empress,
I hope you, your loved ones and readers enjoy a happy and healthy holiday season.
PS: I wonder if the Richards sisters will do a rerun on “housegate”. Palm Springs is where the house that Kyle and Mauricio (allegedly) “stole” from Kim. I think that is the same house that Big Kathy (allegedly) weasled from husband number 3.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. what is a Howives trip, without a casino?
Isn’t that why they have those trips? Hey, let’s all get away with a group of people we can’t stand!! 😀
“Kyle’s Stevie Wonder necklace” – LOL!!! I’m happy to hear you’ve been lurking and I really hope that once the New York ladies return to our TVs, you’ll stop by more often to give us your take on Lulu’s fashion accessories.
My very best wishes to you, the hubs and Mr. Benji during the holidays and always.
Oh my! Are there any screen shots of those angry tweets? Were you just kidding??? I neeeeeed to know!!
suziezee, I’m afraid that the tweets were a figment of my imagination, but something that most of us could imagine Brandi actually writing. 😉