“Look Jen, this is my next boyfriend.”
Brandi does her best thinking in the bathtub so she gathers her friend, Jennifer Gimenez, and a Bravo film crew to capture the moment when her gray matter kicks into high gear. She must have borrowed some of Yolanda’s Lumosity Brain Games, as Lisa had suggested, because she’s come to a decision about her future with her boyfriend and former realtor, J.R. Okay, the sex is aaammmaaazzzing, but she says she used him to get the house and now he’s just a pain in the ass. They meet for lunch where she breaks the news to him. It’s all his fault that they can’t go on. He went away on a couples trip and didn’t invite her along or even bother to tell her about it. That’s it. They’re done. J.R.’s time as the fake Bravo boyfriend is over.
Joyce is going shopping for jewelry with her girlfriend Ivette, who holds the title of Queen of the Universe. That competition was Joyce’s brain-child and when they arrive at the Beverly Wilshire, Joyce tells the store manager all about how much she loves the hotel. When she came to this country from Puerto Rico she couldn’t wait to check in because she loved the movie “Pretty Woman”. Did she actually see the movie? Does she know it’s about a hooker and a rich guy who buys her things and falls in love with her – that it’s a fairy tale? Back at home, she’s playing with her kids and raving about her husband. He’s also aaammmaaazzzing in bed and she doesn’t know what she’d do without
This is her husband, Michael, shaking down one of their kids for loose change. “C’mon son, Mommy needs a new tiara.”
Carlton is having a luncheon so that she can get to know all of the ladies better. She tells us about her beautiful nanny, Elizy who she describes as Tinkerbell on crack. Maybe Kim or Brandi should be the judges of that. Carlton’s son, Cross, has to be surrounded by beautiful women, according to his Mom. He’s only two years old and she’s making sure that he’s going to be some cougar’s cub. Elizy and Carlton are moving some furniture around, probably to make room for her cauldron, and they scratch the wood floor. A little spit and the things look good as new. She’s gunning for Kyle, that’s for sure. In her talking head she says that she’s not comfortable with Kyle because she doesn’t respect God’s creatures, like bees and things. Carlton likes bees more than she likes Kyle and, now that I think about it, so do most of us. Bees make honey and I really like honey. I don’t think Kyle ever makes honey.
To give some of the group the opportunity to gossip about their missing castmates, Bravo piles Kyle, Kim, Brandi and Joyce into a limo and sets them loose on the streets. Kyle starts off with some information none of us needed to hear – that her puppy has diarrhea and left a mess all over daughter Portia’s bathroom. Ah, the glamorous life of the woman who owns every square mile of Beverly Hills. When the others fail to show any interest in puppy poop puree, Kyle announces that they should talk about Lisa and fake-or-faint-gate. Brandi’s all over that one and agrees that Lisa looked too pretty when she hit the floor for that to have been real. They’re all giggly and Kyle looks pleased as punch. Enjoy the moment, Kyle, the tables are about to be turned.
Yolanda and Lisa have arrived at Carlton’s church/castle gothic mansion ahead of the others. It isn’t long before the rest of them show up and the merriment begins. Brandi can’t wait to bring up the conversation in the limo about whether Lisa faked her fainted her way off of Dancing With The Stars. Lisa says the she hopes Brandi had her back, the same issue she has with Kyle. Brandi does admit in her talking head that it might have been a little crappy and bitchy to have talked about Lisa, especially with Kim and Kyle issuing the rallying cry. Carlton gives her guests a tour of her home including her humongous bed where more aaammmaaazzzing things happen. Then Kim and Kyle see Carlton’s doll collection. They have plenty to say about that, including that the dolls come to life at night – even Joyce made a “Chucky” reference along with a stabbing motion right out of Hitchcock’s “Psycho”. Now I’m convinced that she missed the whole point of “Pretty Woman”. The ladies drift off into Carlton’s backyard where she points out her witches’ balls, available to any of us at Pier One Imports. She says that they grab and trap negative energy. I say that she should get her money back. Kyle asks her about practicing witchcraft which results in a stony stare from Carlton, along with a dismissive “Reaaallly?” She thinks Kyle is rude and that she only asked about witchiness for shock value. Carlton has practiced dark witchcraft but she won’t go there again. Now it’s all about the light side, being one with Nature’s miracles.
They move into the dining room where Carlton offers the throne at the head of the table to Kyle because she thinks it’s pompous to preside over one’s dinner parties by taking such a position. Kyle has no problem accepting it, though.
See, her cheeks are all sucked in – she looks so regal when she does that.
Elizy and another of the hotties Cross hangs with are serving lunch and Kyle decides to ask Carlton a couple of questions that she hopes wouldn’t raise the ire of her hostess. After asking about Catholicism and witchcraft, and getting icy responses from Carlton, the Chamber of Commerce seemed safe enough. Carlton explains how her husband became a member and then the conversation turns to tight vaginas and large penises. Just to be clear, I can’t recall one single lunch with my girlfriends when we haven’t discussed those very same things. Yep, it happens all the time. We think it makes us sound so cute and cool, like the Real Housewives. Carlton, in her talking head, tells us that she didn’t care for it, even though she had no qualms telling us that her own big man was hung like a donkey.
Not to be outdone, Brandi blurts out that she thinks Carlton is a good c**t. Just for the record, that sounds like an oxymoron. I hate, hate, hate that word, especially when women use it to describe other women. Carlton, however, laughs it off, taking it as a compliment.
“Did you just call me a c**t? I think I love you. Even more importantly, you’re beautiful. Will you be my nanny?”
Go figure. Kyle can’t ask about what it’s like to make love when your bed is engraved with crosses but being called a c**t is somehow a good thing. Maybe it’s a British witch thing. Even Yolanda, in her talking head, said that that was just Brandi being playful Brandi – you know, just the unfiltered, uncouth, drunken friend of no one in particular and anyone who finds her adorable. This had to be way before Brandi took her little old self onto the set of WWHL and disclosed some nasty gossip about things Mohammed did during his marriage to Yolanda under the guise of speaking “her truth.”
Having gotten the okay from her hostess to be the rudest guest on record, Brandi decides to ask Kyle about the cheating rumors that seem to follow Mauricio everywhere. This lunch is getting better by the second. Brandi offers her take on the whole thing saying that Kyle should just ignore the tabloids, even though when she ignored them, it turned out that her ex really was cheating on her with Leann Rimes. Yolanda chimes in and says that there’s always a little truth to what the tabloids report – where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Kyle’s talking head was a series of choked back sobs where she denied ever telling any lies about her fellow Housewives. She tells them, “Fuck all of you.”
The good news is that Gigi ate an entire salad.
Empress, you are a warrior to have watched this nonsense without your brain melting. Every time I read someone’s recap of these shows, I am reminded of the witty Melissa Gorga and think “thank you Jesus”. I cannot watch these women anymore. To me, the “c” word is the equivalent of the “n” word, I never use it nor would I ever use it to describe another person. These women are despicable and should be mortified but of course, their need for fame and fortune will outweigh any common sense. I think you should save yourself and just boycott these shows like I have. No one should have to do this, especially for free!
PS – why the hell does Portia need her own bathroom?
Not to worry, jules. If these ladies get too annoying, I always have the prerogative to change the channel and write blogs about other things. So far, they just look ridiculous enough to be entertaining.
“why the hell does Portia need her own bathroom?” 😀 It’s Beverly Hills, darling. Besides, she has to share it with a runny puppy.
I like Carlton, regardless of Bravo’s edit, and her over the top castle. Carlton see right through the very phony Kyle and refuses to give her the phony props she feels she deserves. Most of what Carlton says goes right over Kyle’s head and I think that Kyle did ask a lot of rude questions. Hopefully, now that we know all the husbands are well endowed and the wives are all having aaamaazzziiinnnggg sex – this subject can be retired for the season.
Joyce seems to be a one season wonder and better contribute more than her Pretty Woman, I mean Queen of the Universe, faux beauty competition fairytale life. The rest of the ladies are beginning to become very uncomfortable with each other and new teams for the BH dodge ball games are being picked….so who will be the team captains?
So butter my butt and call me a biscuit, as I discovered that I am a witch and didn’t even know it! I have a couple of those witches balls around my yard, except I call them gazing globes (because that is what my grandmother called them) and I think they add to my landscaping attempts…….
windy, I don’t mind watching Kyle get a little of what she gives but Carlton just looked like she wanted to dislike her from the get go. I don’t think it has anything to do with murdering a bee, or being disrespectful to Nature. Carlton gave an interview to Parade magazine a while back and had this to say: “I actually hadn’t watched a lot of reality TV before I joined. I did, however, have to catch up on a couple of episodes when I knew it was going to materialize. Since then I have watched all the seasons.”
I think she watched all of those episodes and made up her mind based on what she saw and how viewers reacted.
Poor dear Joyce, the pretty deer in the headlights. She’ll be the last one picked for the dodge ball tourney.
There must be millions of witches around us – those gazing balls are everywhere. 😀
Thank you for your re-cap Empress! i missed the first half hour of this show working around the house on “projects to complete before the Holidays”!
I used to enjoy watching this HW franchise …I can’t continue to support a show with their nudity and potty mouth language. It’s that old adage, you become what you see and hear and frankly, I wouldn’t want to sit around a table with half those women! All their money, jewelry, large places to sleep at night, plastic surgery, botox and these women miss the main ingredient in a relationship- kindness …
Hey Buttercream, Kindness is not a word I’d use to describe most of the Bravolebrities. If you were working on your holiday to-do list, you spent your time in a much more worthwhile way. 😉
Hey Empress! How you been? Great blog! The ending was hysterical…GiGi ate an entire salad!!!
Carlton really did study up on her HWs huh? I didn’t see the article where she says she watched-now I understand her attitude with Kyle! She knows who the Queen Bee is and she’s not wasting time on a wannabe and bee killer.
Are you stil watching Scandal? I’m finally all caught up but now I’m so behind with Revenge.
Hey Jill, I’ve been good, thanks for asking. Hope all is well with you, too.
I’m still watching Scandal (OMG!!!) and have been a terrible slacker-blogger in terms of my recaps.
At least Carlton owned up to doing her Housewives’ homework, unlike some of them who claim they never even saw one episode before they became part of Bravo’s stable of unstables – like we believe that. This is the interview, in case you’re interested – http://www.parade.com/224677/ashleighschmitz/real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-carlton-gebbia-talks-drama-and-witchcraft-ive-made-mistakes-but-i-have-no-regrets/
Thanks for the link Empress!