“Look Jen, this is my next boyfriend.”

Brandi does her best thinking in the bathtub so she gathers her friend, Jennifer Gimenez, and a  Bravo film crew  to capture the moment when her gray matter kicks into high gear.  She must have borrowed some of Yolanda’s Lumosity Brain Games, as Lisa had suggested, because she’s come to a decision about her future with her boyfriend and former realtor, J.R.  Okay, the sex is aaammmaaazzzing, but she says she used him to get the house and now he’s just a pain in the ass.  They meet for lunch where she breaks the news to him.  It’s all his fault that they can’t go on.  He went away on a couples trip and didn’t invite her along or even bother to tell her about it.  That’s it.  They’re done.   J.R.’s time as the fake Bravo boyfriend is over.

Joyce is going shopping for jewelry with her girlfriend Ivette, who holds the title of Queen of the Universe.  That competition was Joyce’s brain-child and when they arrive at the Beverly Wilshire, Joyce tells the store manager all about how much she loves the hotel.  When she came to this country from Puerto Rico she couldn’t wait to check in because she loved the movie “Pretty Woman”.   Did she actually see the movie?  Does she know it’s about a hooker and a rich guy who buys her things and falls in love with her – that it’s a fairy tale?   Back at home, she’s playing with her kids and raving about her husband.  He’s also aaammmaaazzzing in bed and she doesn’t know what she’d do without  it him.

This is her husband, Michael, shaking down one of their kids for loose change. “C’mon son, Mommy needs a new tiara.”

Carlton is having a luncheon so that she can get to know all of the ladies better.  She tells us about her beautiful nanny, Elizy who she describes as Tinkerbell on crack.  Maybe Kim or Brandi should be the judges of that.  Carlton’s son, Cross, has to be surrounded by beautiful women, according to his Mom.  He’s only two years old and she’s making sure that he’s going to be some cougar’s cub.   Elizy and Carlton are moving some furniture around, probably to make room for her cauldron, and they scratch the wood floor.   A little spit and the things look good as new. She’s gunning for Kyle, that’s for sure.  In her talking head she says that she’s not comfortable with Kyle because she doesn’t respect God’s creatures, like bees and things.  Carlton likes bees more than she likes Kyle and, now that I think about it, so do most of us.  Bees make honey and I really like honey.  I don’t think Kyle ever makes honey.

To give some of the group the opportunity to gossip about their missing castmates, Bravo piles Kyle, Kim, Brandi and Joyce into a limo and sets them loose on the streets.   Kyle starts off with some information none of us needed to hear – that her puppy has diarrhea and left a mess all over daughter Portia’s bathroom.   Ah, the glamorous life of the woman who owns every square mile of Beverly Hills.   When the others fail to show any interest in puppy poop puree, Kyle announces that they should talk about Lisa and fake-or-faint-gate.  Brandi’s all over that one and agrees that Lisa looked too pretty when she hit the floor for that to have been real.   They’re all giggly and Kyle looks pleased as punch.  Enjoy the moment, Kyle, the tables are about to be turned.

Yolanda and Lisa have arrived at Carlton’s church/castle gothic mansion ahead of the others.  It isn’t long before the rest of them show up and the merriment begins.  Brandi can’t wait to bring up the conversation in the limo about whether Lisa faked her fainted her way off of Dancing With The Stars.  Lisa says the she hopes Brandi had her back, the same issue she has with Kyle.  Brandi does admit in her talking head that it might have been a little crappy and bitchy to have talked about Lisa, especially with Kim and Kyle issuing the rallying cry.   Carlton gives her guests a tour of her home including her humongous bed where more aaammmaaazzzing things happen.   Then Kim and Kyle see Carlton’s doll collection.  They have plenty to say about that, including that the dolls come to life at night – even Joyce made a “Chucky” reference along with a stabbing motion right out of Hitchcock’s “Psycho”.  Now I’m convinced that she missed the whole point of “Pretty Woman”.   The ladies drift off into Carlton’s backyard where she points out her witches’ balls, available to any of us at Pier One Imports.    She says that they grab and trap negative energy.  I say that she should get her money back.  Kyle asks her about practicing witchcraft which results in a stony stare from Carlton, along with a dismissive “Reaaallly?” She thinks Kyle is rude and that she only asked about witchiness for shock value.   Carlton has practiced dark witchcraft but she won’t go there again.  Now it’s all about the light side, being one with Nature’s miracles.

They move into the dining room where Carlton offers the throne at the head of the table to Kyle because she thinks it’s pompous to preside over one’s dinner parties by taking such a position.  Kyle has no problem accepting it, though.

See, her cheeks are all sucked in – she looks so regal when she does that.

Elizy and another of the hotties Cross hangs with are serving lunch and Kyle decides to ask Carlton a couple of questions that she hopes wouldn’t raise the ire of her hostess.  After asking about Catholicism and witchcraft, and getting icy responses from Carlton,  the Chamber of Commerce seemed safe enough.  Carlton explains how her husband became a member and then the conversation turns to tight vaginas and large penises.  Just to be clear, I can’t recall one single lunch with my girlfriends when we haven’t discussed those very same things.  Yep, it happens all the time.  We think it makes us sound so cute and cool, like the Real Housewives.   Carlton, in her talking head, tells us that she didn’t care for it, even though she had no qualms telling us that her own big man was hung like a donkey.

Not to be outdone, Brandi blurts out that she thinks Carlton is a good c**t.   Just for the record, that sounds like an oxymoron.  I hate, hate, hate that word, especially when women use it to describe other women.   Carlton, however,  laughs it off, taking it as a compliment.

“Did you just call me a c**t?  I think I love you. Even more importantly,  you’re beautiful.  Will you be my nanny?”

Go figure.  Kyle can’t ask about what it’s like to make love when your bed is engraved with crosses but being called a c**t is somehow a good thing.   Maybe it’s a British witch thing.  Even Yolanda, in her talking head, said that that was just Brandi being playful Brandi – you know, just the unfiltered, uncouth, drunken friend of no one in particular and anyone who finds her adorable.   This had to be way before Brandi took her little old self onto the set of WWHL and disclosed some nasty gossip about things Mohammed did during his marriage to Yolanda under the guise of speaking “her truth.”

Having gotten the okay from her hostess to be the rudest guest on record, Brandi decides to ask Kyle about the cheating rumors that seem to follow Mauricio everywhere.  This lunch is getting better by the second.  Brandi offers her take on the whole thing saying that Kyle should just ignore the tabloids, even though when she ignored them, it turned out that her ex really was cheating on her with Leann Rimes.   Yolanda chimes in and says that there’s always a little truth to what the tabloids report – where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  Kyle’s talking head was a series of choked back sobs where she denied ever telling any lies about her fellow Housewives.  She tells them,  “Fuck all of you.”

The good news is that Gigi ate an entire salad.

Empress