This is one of the two Housewives’ franchises I can watch without worrying about elevating my blood pressure.  New York City is the other one, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to be back until sometime next year.    Two new ladies have been added to the cast, now that Adrienne Maloof and Taylor Armstrong have gone on to less than greener pastures – Adrienne got a divorce and is now dating college kids, and Taylor is engaged to a man who cheated on his wife – way to go ladies.   One of the new cast members is Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, a former beauty queen and part time actress who has hair as nice or even nicer than Kyle Richards’.    In fact, that was her total contribution to this episode – tossing her pretty hair around.  Her husband is a movie producer.  The other is a bit more interesting, at least at this early date.  She’s Carlton Gebbia, a self-proclaimed Wiccan who seems to have forgotten to use sunscreen for a number of years.  How do you know you’re a Wiccan, by the way?  Is it on your birth certificate or something?  If it’s something you can just join, I’d be happy to become a member and cast a few spells now and then.  She’s married to a man with a rather diverse set of businesses, including finances, sports and real estate.  They have three children, who they named Destiny, Mysteri and Cross just so Carlton could attack people who make fun of their names.

Most of this episode set the stage for what we’re going to watch for the rest of the season – a battle between two teams, each of which is determined to take the other one down.  It’s Bravo’s formula and we’re used to it by now.  As long as we keep reminding ourselves that this stuff is as real as unicorns and Big Foot, we should be able to endure the entire season without any blood letting or Xanax.

Kyle is pretending to be the owner of a store and had no idea that work is really, really hard.  She has to try on clothes and talk to customers for probably 2 or 3 hours a day.  Anyone would be exhausted.  I wish her luck, but if it fails, she does show promise in another field.  She could be a human lie detector.  She called Camille a f**king liar a couple of years ago and now she’s convinced that both Yolanda and Lisa V are liars as well.   The problem is that she isn’t very quick-witted or maybe she just doesn’t have a sense of humor.  Every time Lisa cracks wise, and that’s fairly often, Kyle either takes offense immediately or it hits her hours later that Lisa may or may not have been giving her a dig.  Either way, she’s a prickly one.

Kim is making great strides forward.  Her dog Kingsley is no longer a puppy – he’s downright huge and seems to have gotten failing grades at obedience school.  The good thing is that he knows how to make a bed while Kim plays fetch with a rubber ball.   Kingsley may become Kim’s new houseboy, keeping busy by dusting all of those family photos his mistress likes so much.

Brandi’s looking for some new digs because she wrote a New York Times bestseller and is just raking in the money. It’s a self-help book, like Melissa Gorga’s – only this one is about how to make a fool of yourself on Twitter while drunk.  In fact, I found a couple of examples  from this very night, right after she saw WWHL.  The first one is a warm greeting to her fans and the second is in response to a question about her stripper pole.

Brandi Glanville ‏@BrandiGlanville
Seriously peeps! Today isn’t the day 2fuck with me I will just block u – I have real family issues that actually matter unlike u hater fucks

fuck u, I had it in my home as a married woman-why duz being single change anything.Don’t fuck with me today u will lose

How can you not love her?  Please, buy her book.  It’ll bring you the same sort of useful advice that Melissa’s did.   Now, about that house shopping trip.  Brandi had some real concerns about the windows.  She’s worried that people will see her walking around her house naked.  Most of us look for something with enough bedrooms and bathrooms and we tend to like a house with a lot of light, but Brandi hasn’t heard of curtains – or clothes.  She gave a tour of her new house wearing a bra, panties and a garter belt, but that’s a little better than what she was seen in this summer, when she tried to turn feminine hygiene products into fashion accessories.  I noticed that Brandi sported band-aids on her elbow and knee – possibly the result of being unable to walk a straight line without toppling over.

We didn’t see very much of Yolanda – she’s been avoiding Kyle and who can blame her?  The ladies, including Yolanda,  congregated at Kyle’s for a party celebrating the 100th anniversary of Beverly Hills – the town that Kyle built with her own two hands.   We’ll overlook the fact that she never heard of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce.  They want her as a member and maybe this is a good time to quote Groucho Marx – “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”   Unlike Groucho, she’s happy to accept their invitation because it makes her feel like a real businesswoman.   It’s probably a good distraction for her because she’s got her panties in a wad over some cheating rumors surrounding her perfect husband, Mauricio.   Don’t even dare to joke about that –  just ask Lisa –  Kyle doesn’t think it’s a laughing matter.  Lighten up, Kyle.  It was a joke about your husband and your daughter – nothing more, nothing less.  The only time it’s not funny is when it’s more than just a rumor.

There’s a couple of other things that bother Carlton, aside from messing with her kids’ names.  She doesn’t want anyone to talk about being naked – no penises and no nipples.  Her children weren’t conceived, they were conjured up by witchcraft.   How she comes to befriend Brandi is going to be interesting, to say the very least.

The episode segued into Vanderpump Rules, but I have no real interest in watching a bunch of young people who treat their place of employment like Match.com while their boss plays along for the sake of ratings.

Empress