How Melissa Gorga Nearly Killed Me

Melissa Gorga’s book “Love Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage” was released on Tuesday and I decided that I should see what kind of advice she was offering.  I’ve been married for about 100 years, but what pair of old dogs doesn’t want to pick up some new tricks?  The tips she gives are really quite simple,  and, apparently, my husband and I have been doing everything all wrong.   Who knew?  It’s all about being hot and sexy.  No matter what’s going on, no matter how big the problem,  you can fix it or make it all better with flirting, dressing up in costumes and having sex 3 to 5 times a week, but for no longer than 7 to 10 minutes.   A wife will be treated like a Queen if her husband is treated like a King.  I’m an Empress, so I hope this stuff works.

I went to work to test a few of her pointers, you know, to see if I could bring the same kind of fresh, spicy stuff Melissa lavishes on her own lord of the manor, Joe.  She says that a good wife will have dinner on the table, and even if she doesn’t actually cook it, it’s still shows how much she appreciates her man.  According to Melissa, you can open a box of Chinese takeout and you’ll have a happy husband.  It’s the thought that counts.   The no cooking part sounded good, so I opened the freezer, slapped a bag of Bertolli’s sausage and rigatoni on the table, and hollered that dinner was served.   When my husband came to the kitchen, he asked me if this was a joke.  “Why, no”, I said.  “That’s dinner.  I hauled it out of the freezer just for you.  And look, there’s a glass of ice right next to the bag.  Bon appetit, honey.”   He wasn’t amused.  In fact, he looked at me like I’d lost my mind, and, besides,  he was still hungry.  Okay, scratch that – epic fail.   I ordered out anyway.

It was time to move on to another bit of Melissa’s advice and into another room.  The costumes sounded like fun, so I dug around in my dresser and found a few items my husband might find interesting.  Donning my Eeyore shorts, my favorite cowboy boots and an apron, I sashayed over to the man cave, certain I’d get his undivided attention.  I’d already checked myself out in the mirror and declared me and my outfit absolutely adorable.  I don’t know what he was watching on the television, probably something where folks were wearing camo, but I wasn’t going to let anything interfere with my plans, so I assumed my best come-hither look and strutted my stuff right in front of the screen.   It got his attention, all right.   He took one good, long look, sighed and asked me if I’d been drinking.   “Nope”, I told him.  “Perfectly sober, just wanted to try out some new moves, my dear.”   Then he asked me where I’d come up with the new moves.  Now, I really  didn’t want to tell him where I was getting my ideas from because he’d think I was losing it, for sure, but I had to give credit where credit was due so I told him.  “I was reading excerpts from Melissa Gorga’s book.  You know, one of the New Jersey housewives.”   He said “Well, that explains a lot.  Is that why dinner was still frozen?”

Since I was all dressed up, anyway, I didn’t want to give up quite yet.   There had to be something to what Melissa was talking about.  I know she has some experience with dancing, and I thought, “What the hell.  I’ll try something he’s never seen before.”   With that in mind, I did my very best impression of Miley Cyrus, without the giant foam finger, of course.  I didn’t want to give him a stroke, for goodness sake.   I am here – barely – to tell you that twerking hurts – a lot, especially when you have arthritis and a bad back.    The cowboy boots didn’t help either.  I toppled over, the dogs were barking and running around, and my husband was laughing so hard that he nearly fell over.  Not quite the scenario I had oh so carefully planned.  I’m still nursing my back with a heating pad and a giant bottle of Tylenol.  Damn you and your stupid costumes, Melissa Gorga!

I don’t know what to tell you, other than I didn’t read the whole book, so I might have missed a few things.   I read the first chapter, and it sounded even worse than Fifty Shades.  There’s only so much I’m willing to do for the sake of this blog and slogging through her book just isn’t going to happen.  I did find a couple of interviews where she and King Joey offered up a few more pointers – and where I found out that they limit their sexual activity to under 10 minutes per session.   Pretty efficient, if you ask me.   I’ll leave you with a few quotes from their TV appearances and magazine articles.  Maybe there’s something there you can use.

From the mouth and keyboard of Melissa:   “Men are very visual.  They see with their eyes.  You need to shave your pits and your legs”.     Why yes, they do and yes, we will.  Promise.

And then there’s this:  “Sex is the glue of the marriage.”
“It fills the little cracks that hold you together. Otherwise, those tiny cracks can turn into huge splits.  It’s the best way to put an argument to rest. You both lay down your weapons and declare yourself victorious.  It’s how we bond emotionally.”    Sex is like Gorilla Glue and Bondo.   Fix the cracks.  Got it.  Just drop your weapons and nobody gets hurt.   Winner takes all.

And a contribution from Joe: Respect one another. Keep it fresh. It’s not always that the woman has to do this and that for the man—the man has to do the same thing! I look at my wife every day and tell her how gorgeous she is, how beautiful, everything. I make her feel like a woman. Don’t get me wrong: We do have our arguments because we’re normal. But 98 percent of the time, I’m a man, and a man treats his woman like a queen.”    I really love that –  the 98% of the time he’s a man part.  I’d hate to know what he is during the other 2%.

I did forget to mention one thing Melissa wrote.  Women don’t poop.  See – you learn something new every day.


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41 Responses to How Melissa Gorga Nearly Killed Me

  1. Laineylainey says:

    This was wonderful! Twerking hurts, huh? LOL! Did she really say, their sessions are less than 10 minutes long? I’ve seen a rooster go longer than that. ( if you’ve ever seen chickens and their rooster in action, lets just say a rooster can keep a whole lotta chickens fertilized in a short time.). Did she really say men see with their eyes. You are joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.

    • Lainey, LOL! I wish I could take credit for those comments but those are real quotes from the two geniuses. Yep, under 10 minutes – done and done! 😀

      • Laineylainey says:

        Under 10 minutes!!!? Child puh-leez!! Poor woman. And they’re bragging bout this? Shoe polish, I am not impressed.

  2. melthehound says:

    P.R.I.C.E.L.E.S.S. Especially the image of the twerking 😆

  3. JLS says:

    Oh. Em. Gee! That was the best laugh I’ve had it a long time.

  4. hwcrazygal says:

    OMG! I am laughing myself to tears!!

  5. Heeeeeeheeeeeheeeeeheeee, Get it Gurl!!! heeeheeeheeeheee!

  6. nucako says:

    looooool i fell of the chair 😀 😀

    and the comment : ive seen roosters go longer that that was just to die for 😀

    10 mins hmmmmm,no wonder she wanted to cheat. 😀

    • Angel says:

      My thoughts exactly. I’d be looking elsewhere too, nothing is happening for me in 10 minutes. After slaving over the stove, or carry out menus, plus the dangers of twerking, and the effort to be in costume, you owe me a satisfactory result, Stumpy. It must be a miserable, hopeless 7 to 10, and she just wants it over with. I never have seen either one of them show the slightest bit of a romantic feeling towards the other. I guess slam bam, thank you mam is the modern way. Just keep him happy enough to pay your bills and his steroids. Obviously, he is not on Viagra.

      Empress, glad you survived. Don’t change a thing, you probably have the better marriage. I doubt the Gorgas will last very many more years.

      • nucako says:

        exactly !!! i dont think she can even do anythin in 10 mins so why? cuz she wants him for his money,not love so sex with him is like a punishment for her, so sure likes 10 mins of punishment more than 40 mins 😀

  7. BB says:

    Empress, you had me laughing so hard, baby Jack was looking at me from his Jumparoo like I done lost my mind!

  8. DonnaLee says:

    OMG..and I had to read this while we have workers in the house putting a new central air system in. I know that they think I am crazy! hahahaha There is not one secret for me. I have bought dinner out and put it on plates. Big deal. I have done the dress up for my man, and ummm, he fell asleep LOL does not work. My best friend was the one who dressed up to have her husband ask her *what the hell are you wearing?* So yeh I was in tears with the *have you been drinking* remark. Like you, I think if I tried to *twerk it*, I would end up on the floor and he would be laughing too. I really don’t think this book is for anyone who has been married for over 20 years. Thanks for the laugh!!!

    • “I really don’t think this book is for anyone who has been married for over 20 years.” If you’re still happy after 20 years, odds are you probably don’t need anyone’s book.
      I’m so glad you got a chuckle out of it. 🙂

  9. not THAT Jill says:


  10. plainviewsue says:

    Seriously, one of the funniest blogs I have ever read!!!!!! Thank you for the morning laughs 🙂

  11. So funny, Empress – I love the visual of you in your Eeyore shorts. 🙂

    I have to admit – I use quite a few of these tips and they work…at least they keep me and the Lord C chuckling. He likes it when I get my “sexy” on. 😉

  12. Kaereste says:

    Great blog. I think Eeyore short are sexy too.

    Sex is mainly driven by the brain so do 10 min quickies correlate to brain size?

    Stupid RH vamps Tamra, Gretchen & Melissa make sex boring.

  13. TexasTart says:

    Hilarious! Now tell me where I can get some Eeyore shorts?! 😆

  14. rabblerouser2010R says:

    I literally laughed out loud…well done.

  15. cusi77 says:

    Haha! It is the best laugh of the day! Thank you Empress, you are so funny! The only thing is that I don’t know what is Eeyore shorts and Twerk… Anyone?

    • not THAT Jill says:


      May 3, 2013 Urban Word of the Day
      The rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal or laughter in ones intended audience
      Hey Girl, lets Twerk on the dance floor.

    • cusi!!! I see that Jill already answered your question. Twerking really should come with a warning label – something like “Do not try this at home if you’re eligible for an AARP card”.
      It’s an activity best left to much younger and more limber girls. 🙂
      My Eeyore shorts are just jogging shorts with Eeyore’s (the sweet donkey from Winnie the Pooh) picture on them.

  16. jo says:

    I don’t even know who Melissa Gorga is, but that was just HILARIOUS!!! I wish that I owned a women’s magazine so I could hire you! Off I go now to forward this to several friends….

  17. momajackie says:

    A friend just introduced me to your blog. I love it! Thanks for the laughs.

  18. tuzentswurth says:

    Now that was funny! Hope your back is soon mended.

  19. nucako says:

    i dont know about twenty years or so, but im married for 1 year and we lived together for 2 years before that and even i wont take her book into consideration, 7-10 mins of sex already says a lot 😀 😀 not to mention cheating rumors going around and u know what cheating rumors dont just start out of blue, everyone knows that, there is no smoke without a fire, she must have done something.

  20. pjbottoms says:

    The Eyeore costume alone made me laugh out loud! LOL!

  21. K says:

    It is obvious that Melissa Gorga is a VERY insecure woman.

    Wait, sex under 10 minutes? No play? Damn, poor girl is missing out.

  22. Happy Holly Daze says:

    Thank you empress for a wonderful laugh, with the kind of day I’ve had…. Had friends on another blog tell us about you… looks like I’m here to stay…

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