Grudge Matches and Courtroom Exhibits

Bravo didn’t really need this part of reunion, well, maybe they did if they needed to fill up an hour of otherwise dead airtime.  We didn’t learn anything new other than Gretchen keeps as many piece of evidence as Tamra.  Maybe she learned that by watching Tamra during last year’s reunion.  Everybody’s holding onto texts and emails and voice mails to wave at each other and prove that someone else is lying.  It’s like a group version of Cagney and Lacey.  Face it ladies of the OC, outside of Lydia, you’ve all failed the truthiness challenge at one time or another.

Tamra told everyone again about her early struggles with depression and her suicide attempt.  Her mother never said she loved her and that gave her license to become the bitch she is today – her words, not mine.  She said that it’s easier for her to cope by going into full-out mean girl and that as long as she owns it, it’s okay.  Eddie is wonderful, supports and understands her, and is the perfect match for her, according to Tamra.  She says that she never told anyone about the problems she experienced when she was a new wife and mom in her early twenties.  Does that mean that her first husband or Simon didn’t know?  Maybe if she’d told either of them, things would have turned out differently.

The ladies take turns dumping on Gretchen because that’s what makes for a good Housewives’ reunion.  Choose a target, pick at old wounds and see if you can make one of the group cry.   They had a laundry list of grievances against Gretchen – who called who about Malibu Country, why Alexis was invited to Tamra’s wedding dress shopping trip and how Gretchen came up with the proposal to Slade so that she could get attention.  Even Alexis, who usually just sits there on the couch, accused Gretchen of being fake for the sake of camera time.  Now that’s rich.  I’m having a hard time grasping the notion that any Bravo Housewife could possibly be considered fake or would do anything just to be the center of attention.   This is reality television at its finest and these are “real” housewives.   So there.

They didn’t stop there, oh no.  Heather pipes in with her disappointment at not being invited to the proposal of the century, the one on a rooftop with Slade, resplendent in a tuxedo, arriving by helicopter like James Bond.  She though that the timing was questionable and that the whole affair felt hollow.  Lydia felt the same way, saying that it looked like Gretchen was trying to create a storyline.  Gretchen said that she didn’t invite Tamra because Tamra said her singing was horrible.  Gretchen, it was.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  I’m a horrible singer.  In fact, I sound like Kermit the Frog.  There’s not enough auto-tune to fix that.   I think a lot of viewers agree with her cast-mates.  That was a very weird proposal.  Never mind how over the top it was.  It really did look like she was trying to steal the spotlight away from Tamra and her wedding plans.    She started off with the wedding dress shopping, by wearing a red trench coat with nothing on underneath, waving around an engagement ring given her by Jeff and making a lot of noise about how little time she had to be with the group for the wedding dress appointment.  The only way to top that is with a helicopter and a very tall building to land it on.

A few thoughts about the engagement/proposal shindig and how I would have liked to see it happen.  Slade should have taken care of everything Gretchen did, not because I’m sexist, but because that’s the kind of thing every woman dreams of.  He should have planned every little detail, invited their closest friends, hired the helicopter and had Gretchen waiting for him when he arrived.  Then he should have stepped out, got down on his knee and asked her to marry him by presenting a ring he bought with his own damn money.   The whole thing was probably cooked up by both of them, but it made Gretchen look bad – desperate, needy and, yeah, a little like she wanted to get some attention.     Slade always look bad, so there’s no need to even explain his lack of initiative.  Let’s see if this wedding ever happens, if Slade really wants to get married or if his real goal is just to remain on the show.  I’m pretty sure they’d go for it if Bravo gave them their own little spin-off, like Kim Z’s wedding, or Tamra’s or Nene’s.

So, the other women got what they wanted.  Gretchen ended up crying, or at least she tried to look like she was.  It’s hard to tell with the Housewives.  They’re wearing so much makeup and have had so many “things” done to themselves, that I wonder if their tear ducts even work anymore.  Anyway, she’s making the right noises and scrunching up her face and says that she never imagined that they would say she made it all up.  Again, priceless.  A made up storyline on Bravo.  Who wudda thunk it?

Andy and the ladies want to address Alexis and her bullying claims, and I have no idea why.  I though that it was all water under the bridge but, apparently, Andy wants to bring it up again and Alexis seems more than happy to comply.  She provides a litany of examples as to how the mean girls have treated her, and offers a more recent event to make her point – the opening of Tamra’s fitness studio.  They really were a bunch of ice women when she arrived.  Tamra, the hostess, wouldn’t even get out of her chair to acknowledge Alexis.  When Tamra told her to “get the f**k out”, and nearly dragged her towards the door – very classy, by the way – Gretchen clapped her hands in evil delight.  Heather added her two cents to the brouhaha before going back to licking her paws and preening herself.  Only Vicki and Lydia showed any sort of kindness.

This discussion leads to a new fight, with Alexis wondering why she’s even there if nobody likes her.

It goes downhill quickly, with Gretchen showing some more texts about how much Tamra hates Alexis.  Tamra says that she sent those because she was trying to placate Gretchen and really, really, really didn’t mean them.  Got that, Alexis – Tamra loves you.  Watch out.   Gretchen says that she really, really, really loves Alexis, too and is so sorry that she wasn’t at the proposal party.  Alexis says that she can’t trust Gretchen, which is funny when you think about it.  Does she really think she can trust Tamra, or any of them for that matter?

I didn’t really care what it sounded like to Tamra to have a Mexican stripper bounce his junk off her ear or if Jim Bellino’s own package, in any way, correlates to his shoe size.  Of course, that means we’re going to have to hear about Brooks’ stuff, courtesy of Briana, next week.

As of right now, not knowing what may happen next season or how Bravo will edit these ladies, I like Lydia, and she gave us the only honest moment in the whole hour.  She knows how to do laundry but doesn’t have to do it because she has a maid.  That’s right and it was perfect.

Empress