Princesses: Long Island – The Elephant in the Vineyard

Amanda and her sister Taylor are out shopping and decide to stop at a jewelry store so that Amanda can look at engagement rings.   The saleslady shows her a few rings from the Hearts on Fire collection which happen to come in boxes with the letters HOF on them, a sure sign from the heavens that Amanda is destined to marry Jeff Hoffman.   While trying on a few baubles, the conversation turns to how Mom Babs is reacting to Amanda’s desire to get married sooner rather than later.  Amanda explains that if Babs doesn’t go along with her wishes Amanda will block her Mom from Facebook, her cell phone, Twitter, etc. etc. etc.   Block your mom – who does that?

Jeff and his parents are coming over to Amanda’s house so that they and Babs can meet.  Babs is making sangria with vodka, triple sec and whatever booze she has lying around the house.  She figures that if her guests get a little stewed, they won’t take as much of her food.   The Hoffman’s arrive, Gail, Charlie and Jeff and everyone sits down at the table.  After some small talk, the conversation gets a little more serious.  Amanda and Jeff have plans to move in together bu Babs isn’t going to stand for it.  She’s not ready to let her little girl leave, but Jeff’s parents have been planning his departure since he was about 5 or 6 years old.   They wanted a daughter, had Jeff and now Amanda can fill those stilettos.   The evening ends with Babs muttering her displeasure about the whole situation.

Ashlee and Erica are at the White house, and after Hal delivers bowls of watermelon to Ashlee’s room, those two start gossiping about Joey.  Ashlee wants to make sure that her very small circle of friends become Joey’s enemies, and, for the moment, it looks like Erica is up for the challenge.  Erica and Ashlee talk about some texts involving Joey and Erica denies that she told Joey about them.   That comes into play a while later.   First we have to gather the girls, minus Casey, and send them off on an adventure.

Bravo presents “The Grapes of Wrath” (with apologies to John Steinbeck):

Before I go any further, I just want to say that I’ve yet to see any Bravo production – I think every Housewives’ franchise has visited at least one –  that took place in a vineyard and ended well.   To a vineyard we go, though.  The girls head for the Sparkling Pointe winery in Southold in two cars.  In one car, we have Joey and Amanda and in the other we have Ashlee, Erica and Chanel, with two very different conversations going on, both sides of the Ashlee/Joey conflict giving their versions of the problem.   When they arrive, they’re given a tour of the winery which includes a trip to the cellar to see the vats of wine being made.  Ashlee, who has a fear of heights, is taking the steps as if she was climbing the north face of Mount Everest.    She tells one of the employees that she doesn’t know how she’s going to make it back down the stairs, but when the woman suggests that it might be easier if Ashlee would take off her silly wedge shoes, Ashlee tells her she can’t because they’re glued to her feet.  Why didn’t someone offer to carry her up and down stairs, like the owner of the manicure shop did?

A table for lunch has been set up outside among the grapevines and we can already see the tension and “drama” building.   Ashlee and Joey won’t even look at each other and they probably should have kept that up throughout the meal.  There’s some small talk, including an announcement by Erica that she might have a urinary tract infection.  To prove it, she wanders off and pees out by the vines, but within camera range.  See, strange and inappropriate things happen when you’re a Bravolebrity and there’s grapes around.   Having relieved herself, Erica figures that she should start a dialogue between Ashlee and Joey to address the white elephant in the vineyard.   Joey doesn’t want any part of it and tries to shut it down, but Erica thinks it’s a marvelous idea.  Ashlee is protesting, loudly, and the chain of events and comments seem to set all of their tongues a-waggin’.  Everybody’s got an opinion about who did what to whom and why.  Then Erica lets it slip that she might have been a little less forthcoming about those text messages and so now Ashlee turns on her.   Erica says that she really didn’t mean to lie and that might have been a mistake on her part, but all Ashlee cares about is that she has found another person responsible for her victimization.   Ashlee, in her usual blown all out of proportion style says that Erica has killed her, she’s can’t be trusted, she’s not her friend, yada, yada, yada – you get the picture.   So now we have Joey screaming at Ashlee, Ashlee screaming at Joey and Erica, and Amanda and Chanel are just screaming – although Chanel did try to raise a white flag, with no success.

Then Ashlee, who’s never met an insult she couldn’t employ, goes straight for Joey’s jugular.  With that same little satisfied grin she carries, she tells Joey “Your Mom was right about you.  Your Mom was right.”     WTF?  Really Ashlee?  When you can’t fight fair, you bring up the problems between a mother and a daughter.   I wanted to grab her smug little self and spank her.   In her talking head,  Ashlee said that she knew that was awful, but hey, Joey forced her to do it.   She’s lucky Joey showed as much restraint as she did.   Having done her dirty deed, Ashlee runs off and calls Mommy and Daddy.  With great sobs and gulps for air and mascara streaming down her face, she tells her parents how mean everyone is.  “They said terrible things to me and I didn’t do anything.”   Mom says that the other girls are just so jealous and Dad tells her that she should have the winery arrange for a car service to get her out of there.  Ashlee wants a jet and Mom and Dad sounded as if they were really going to work on that option.  By now, I’ve come to expect just about anything from these two when it comes to their spoiled brat.

Back at the table, Amanda says that if there weren’t sides before, Ashlee just made sure there were.  Chanel, still trying to make peace, runs after Ashlee.  Sorry Coco, but that was a dumb move and you played right into her hands.   Erica’s had enough and wants the rest of the girls to go on with their plans, which were made by her Dad and still include a ride on his boat and a dinner.   Chanel catches up to Ashlee and finds her in full meltdown mode.  Chanel calls Casey who picks Ashlee’s side and now there are three.   Chanel turns her back for a second and Ashlee runs off somewhere.   Maybe she packed her My Little Pony overnight bag and is running away from home.  No, that can’t be it.  Home is where she wants to go.  She’s running away because it brings more attention to her and she has the emotional maturity of a toddler.

Chanel tries to reach her on her cell phone, as does Erica but Ashlee is deliberately not answering.   This is just a bunch of adolescent hooey and I would have left her in that godforsaken vineyard in a heartbeat – which, it seems, is exactly what Erica, Amanda and Joey would like to do.   Erica still wants to enjoy what’s left of the day she had planned, but Ashlee doesn’t care.   She’s determined to have all of Long Island and most of the tri-state area searching for her, one grapevine at a time.

There’s a “to be continued” message on the TV screen along with the announcement that I’ve been waiting for – next week’s episode is the season finale.  Oh, and Ashlee ends up in a hospital.  Betcha can’t wait.

The New York Daily News had a piece about a couple of teachers who managed to get themselves into some hot water from cameo appearances they made on Princesses.  One teacher, Sara Schapiro, is thinking about resigning following her “douchebag loser” and “faggot” remarks  which were made during the pool fight episode.  Some parents aren’t happy with her and have commented as to whether she’s a good role model for the students. (Uh…duh)    This is Ms. Schapiro:Would Sara Schapiro change anything about her reality show debut? 'Nope! I was on TV. I don’t care,' she said. 'I had a good time.'

Schapiro, on the other hand, seems to be taking it in stride and, when asked if she’d change anything about her moment of fame  said  “Nope! I was on TV. I don’t care. I had a good time.”    I think she has all the makings to be a Bravolebrity.

A second teacher, Stefan Serie, is being asked by school administrators for his letter of resignation and all he did was take his shirt off at the same pool fight.  The school board’s reasoning behind their request was that his mere presence among the drinking and cursing crowd was enough to come to their decision.

Last week, one of our regular commenters and friends, jules, mentioned an article from The Daily Beast, which offered an interesting perspective on the “Princesses” and how the show reflects on Jews.  This is the link and I think it’s worth reading.


I usually put some photos up for each episode but Bravo hadn’t posted any by the time I’d finished this and now it’s getting late and the episode of “Dexter” that’s on my DVR is beckoning and I really need to watch that right now.

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6 Responses to Princesses: Long Island – The Elephant in the Vineyard

  1. jules says:

    Thanks for the shout-out Empress. I’m relieved for your sake that the season is ending for this motley group. Again, I didn’t watch and again, I’m glad I didn’t. Thanks to Ashlee’s parents, she will probably remain unmarried…..which if I think about it is probably not a bad thing because she won’t procreate if she’s not married…..I think one Ashlee in the world is enough. I wonder if Bravo will re-up this crew for another season. It seems to me even Bravo should be embarrassed but as we all know, the almighty dollar rules so who know. Thanks again for taking the bullet for us!

    • jules, you’re quite welcome. I don’t think Bravo is capable of embarrassment. It’s all about the Benjamins!
      (just one more episode…just one more episode…) 😉

  2. Just Wondering In Jersey says:

    Kudos to you for being able to watch this crapfest and then write about it. All I can say is Ashlee’s parents had better be prepared to live forever because that girl can not take care of herself at all.

    I just can’t stand this show or the people on it. Ugh.

    • Hey JWiJ – Sometimes I can watch it and really laugh, but then Ashlee and her parents do something so stupid that I throw nerf balls at my TV out of frustration.
      They’ve created such an entitled, helpless little monster – we can only hope that someone will take care of her for the rest of her life.

  3. not THAT Jill says:

    Empress-was this not the worst episode of any show EVER?!?!!? My God if I had a friend like Ashlee I would get down on my knees and thank Jesus that she was lost in the vineyard!!! What a unbearable pain in the ass!!! The twisting of the story and the crying-for heavens sake girl grow up!!! I can’t believe I made it through the whole show without punching my TV!!
    One more episode right? I can’t believe I’m still watching!!!!

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