Princesses: Long Island – Always a Bridesmaid

Normally I’d have this recap written and published in an hour or two, but given my advanced years and failing memory, I had to watch this episode again this morning because I’d forgotten most of it from last night.   I didn’t think I was that old, but Bravo and their cast members keep telling those of us who are over the age of 50 that we’re senile old coots, so there you have it.  I’d pretty much gotten over the remarks Reid Drescher made about Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan – you remember – that they were old ladies gone wild.   I’d taken steps to avoid slipping into early onset dementia by doing things like Sudoku and buying Gingko Biloba in bulk and I thought I was doing pretty good until Ashlee White set me back into my walker.

I really have to get this Ashlee stuff off my chest before I attempt a recap of this episode because that girl is getting on my last nerve.   Let’s start with her sleepover.  Daddy Hal and Mommy Ilene are away and their 30 year old daughter doesn’t want to be alone, so she invites Amanda and Chanel over for a girls’ night.   Before I get into the festivities, I have to make a few observations about the swanky digs better known as the White house.   Everything in this house is grey and black.  The walls are grey, the furniture is black or grey and it looks like someone from the 1980’s decorated the place.  There’s also a curio cabinet in the front hall that chock full of plastic food – plastic sundaes, plastic burgers, plastic french fries.  I think they’re supposed to be some sort of collectible art but they look ridiculous.   Speaking of food, Ashlee is seen setting out a cheese platter but tells us that she doesn’t want to mix the cheese because only poor people do that.  Atta girl Ashlee – keep those insults coming.

Okay, back to the girl’s night.  The first order of business is a concerted effort by Ashlee and Chanel to open a bottle of wine.  Unless I saw it all wrong, the bottle looked like a twist top but these two geniuses try everything but pealing back the foil and untwisting the damn thing.

Chanel (Coco) Omari

Chanel tries gnawing the cap off with her teeth and Ashlee stabs it with a corkscrew.   Satisfied that the wine can be poured through the hole she made, she commences to fill their glasses as it slowly trickles out.  Amanda arrives and the girls put on their jammies, only Amanda’s idea of sleepwear for a girls’ night is a negligee.   The threesome haven’t consumed enough wine yet, probably because of the itty bitty opening in the bottle top,  and decide to play a drinking game.     They toss out some inane question, meant to uncover some deep, dark secrets and, if you can answer in the affirmative to the question, you take a sip.  One of the questions was about never having sex and suddenly there’s silence from Ashlee.  All of us are led to believe that she’s still a virgin.  Ask me if or why I even care.

I’m not quite finished with Ashlee, yet.  Amanda and boyfriend Jeff are on a double date with the wee one who hasn’t met her date yet.  Amanda and Babs found a guy, Marcos, at a karaoke bar who they thought would be perfect for Ashlee.  He’s Jewish, has money, flies planes, has more money and is older.  He sure is – about 20 years older.  It did sound about right for Ashlee, given her Daddy issues.  The date starts out alright, with Marcos saying and doing everything Ashlee wants to see and hear from her date.   When Amanda asks him if he can cook, he replies “I don’t cook. I make reservations. ”  See what I mean  – he and Ashlee will never have to struggle with a bag of frozen broccoli again.   It’s Kismet.

The blush didn’t stay on the rose very long, though.  Marcos wants to go to a nightclub and dance the night away.Ashlee White

Okay, I can concede that he did get a little aggressive and overly amorous, but Ashlee made it clear that he wasn’t going to stay on the potential list for very long.  She and Amanda make some remarks about Viagra and the over 50 crowd who look like a bunch of geriatrics from a nursing home.   Ashlee skedaddles before Marcos even knew she was gone.  He was kinda busy dancing with and groping other women, but that could be chalked up to his not being able to remember who his date was.  You know, he’s really, really old.  Enough about Ashlee and her standards for marriage material and people who live in certain towns and “poor” people.   I’m sure she’s insulted other things and other people – I just don’t or can’t remember them all.

Erica and her boyfriend Rob had a talk with Erica’s parents about the direction of their relationship.   It wasn’t all that interesting and seemed more like filler to give Erica some camera time.

Chanel is growing even more anxious, if that was even possible, as her sister’s wedding day approaches and the caterwauling is reaching never before heard decibel levels.  She comes downstairs to talk to her mom about her angst, wearing her maid of honor dress.  It’s lace and bling and more lace and more bling.  Not only does she give her mother an earful about her own continued state of unwedded misery but she also has to come up with a speech to give at the wedding reception.  Mom is not a lot of help, actually adding to Chanel’s “endless circle of Jewish guilt”, so Chanel turns to Casey.   Casey comes over and Chanel starts telling her about a Jewish-Moroccan tradition of having a henna party before the wedding.

Chanel (Coco) Omari

The female members of the wedding party dress in Moroccan robes, dance and sing and have henna tattoos applied.   After removing her outfit, Chanel reiterates her problem with not being married but having to give a speech honoring her sister’s soon to be wedded bliss.  Casey, who gave some sound advice, tells her to forget about the attendees and talk directly to her sister, telling her how Ashley’s wedding renews her hope for finding happiness.  That seemed to work.

Joey and her Dad are having a talk about her future plans.  She wants to develop and market KissaMint, her lip gloss-breath freshener combo, but Dad is more interested in when she’s moving out of the house.Joey Lauren

He gives her 90 days to find a place and a way to support herself.  She and Amanda go off to look at apartments in Long Beach and, from what I saw, they were some pretty pricey rents given the fact that they were only slightly larger than the average walk-in closet.  Joey calls her Dad to tell him just how bad they were, but he gets angry, tells her that the only thing he wants to know is when she’s coming home and hangs up the phone on her.  I don’t know anything about the relationship between Joey and her Dad.  Perhaps there’s a history we don’t know about but, in my opinion, she’s head and shoulders above the rest of these silly girls.  Sure, she’s been living at home, rent-free, for a long time, but she is the only one holding down a regular job and trying to create a business.

It’s the day of Ashley’s wedding and Chanel looks as if she’s about to have a nervous breakdown.  When it’s her turn to walk down the aisle, Chanel sets a land speed record, before someone tells her to slow down and walk to the music.   She is happy for her little sister and it shows.   The time to give her speech arrives and Chanel can’t seem to get her sister’s attention.  Her speech was really quite nice and seemed heartfelt and she’s glad it’s over.  At the end, Chanel says that her sister was a Jewish goddess – Barbra Streisand, Natalie Portman and The Nanny all rolled into one.  Now, that’s a good big sister.

Chanel (Coco) Omari
I have to lie down now.   At my age, you get tired quickly.

Empress

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6 Responses to Princesses: Long Island – Always a Bridesmaid

  1. LaineyLainey says:

    Funny empress, we oldies can be funny, no? LOL!! Marcos was way more energetic than Ashley. He asked her about how many languages she spoke and he seemed a bit turned off to me. I think, even though he is much older than she…it’s not enough for him. I think he was bored by her. (gee was it that obvious? When he ran off to dance with women much older than Ashley?) What a diss.

    • Lainey!!! She is boring, isn’t she?!?! And whiny and demanding and shallow with absolutely nothing to offer a husband. I think Marcos thought that she was a cabbage patch doll.
      Yep, our years on the planet do make us much more interesting…and funny. 😀

  2. Jill...no not THAT Jill says:

    Not a bad blog for an old broad Empress!!!
    This show is really hysterical-hysterically stupid!!! Ashley has managed to piss of the entire population of Long Island! I don’t get that tacky house at all-who has a cabinet of fake food? And who the hell over the age of 21 doesn’t know how to open wine? The girl is a total nitwit!!! Marco was creepy but let’s face it-she was lucky to be on a date as she is no great catch!
    I’m so happy that you blog this show because it is helping you stay young….hahahaha!!!!

    • OMG Jill! I think Ashlee’s managed to piss off most of America. This old broad is really getting a kick out of all of their shenanigans and I even manage to stay up past 9PM to watch it. Everybody knows that you open wine with a hammer and a pair of pliers.
      Oh, I almost forgot – tomorrow’s Ashlee’s 31st birthday. I just thought that you really, really needed to know. 😉

  3. jules says:

    Empress once again you’ve made this mess of a show come alive for me with your vivid recounting of the lives of these old maids. I could actually hear Ashlee’s voice in my head! Although I am not quite in my 50’s I’m sure I’d be considered old by her standards. I didn’t watch the show but I actually feel bad for this Marcos dude. Maybe he was a little handsy but it doesn’t sound like Ashlee was giving him much to work with. Her parents must have her on suicide watch if she’s turning 31 today. What difficulty lives they live. I think Joey’s father should watch the show then maybe he’ll realize what a gem he has in his own daughter. Clearly she was taught she had to support herself and is trying so I don’t understand why he’s kicking her out. Give the girl a break!

    I don’t know if you saw it but The Daily Beast has an article about this program. The question is posed is if these girls are making all Jews look bad. The writer thinks that perhaps the fact that this show is even on tv and the girls are willing participants is proof that being Jewish is more mainstream and acceptable that it once way. Rather than being made fun of, this program is making fun of itself. I guess that’s a good thing but as I’m not Jewish, I can’t answer intelligently. Thanks again Empress for your recap. You always put a smile on my face.

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