Yes, Chanel is still nearly catatonic due to her being single and her sister’s imminent wedding.  She’s so bereft that she decides to seek counsel from her Rabbi.  After a tearful pity party he assures her that she is a special hothouse flower who will find true love and marriage when the time and the right guy present themselves.   How tired are we of hearing about these girls and their unwedded-ness?   Girls, get out of the house and the clubs and the speed dating and the singles camps and just stop looking AND please stop giving and getting lap dances and getting drunk.  Mr. Right can show up in the most normal places – like at work.   Wait.  That’s right. Most of them don’t hold a job.   Scratch that.   Chanel’s family is doing their level best to rub plenty of salt in the wound and humiliate her  to help her find her soul mate.  Little sister Ashley has asked a dressmaker to swing by – from Brooklyn – to bring some bridesmaid dresses for Chanel to try on, and well, as long as he’s at the house, to ask Chanel out on a date.  She tries on a few of the dresses and begins to dance.  She’s really bustin’ a move, Chanel-style, which, as I’ve already said, isn’t really all that great.

• 

  It’s Coco time!

Chanel, aka “Coco” doesn’t care.  She thinks she’s Beyonce and pronounces herself  a Jewish African-American Princess.

Ashley drives Chanel to Brooklyn for the big date and the couple go to dinner.  He seems nice enough but even before they finish eating, the conversation turns to marriage.  That was quick, but Chanel’s 27, and, as she says, it’s time to panic.   She wants to know if he’s the kind of man who’s going to help around the house – cooking, cleaning, etc.  He tells her that he works 14 hours a day and wants a woman who’s going to have dinner on the table.  Then he better start collecting take-out menus because that just isn’t going to happen.   Oh well, cross him off the list of potentials.   Apparently panic doesn’t mean you can’t be picky.

Little Ashlee – the one with the second “e” – has invited Casey over to the house so that she can have an ally in her war against Joey.  Does anybody know why she’s mad at Joey?  Did I miss something or is this just some more contrived drama a la Bravo?   Anyway, Ashlee possesses the same cooking skills as Chanel does and needs Daddy Hal to come into the kitchen to tell her how to microwave a bag of frozen broccoli.  Just look at the girl.  She’s completely confounded by the directions.  Daddy, broccoli and microwaves are hard!

In case you didn’t catch it, Hal, watching his daughter walk across the patio, told her to “shake it”.   Uh huh, yes he did.  I don’t think Ashlee is ever going to get married because there will never be a guy like Dad – unless the guy’s a total schmuck or in a coma.  Why doesn’t Hal just buy her a husband and save all of us from watching any more of this?   So Casey arrives and the conversation goes immediately to Joey-bashing.  We all know how that works – build alliances, start some gossip and you have 3 or 4 episodes of any Bravo franchise.  Maybe even an entire season.

Amanda and Jeff have lunch with his parents at a Kosher deli.  They love her, Jeff loves her, she loves them, it’s love and light and all so wonderful – even if she is half Italian and doesn’t know enough to not order cheese in a Kosher restaurant.  Amanda has a long talk with Mommy Babs about getting married.  Babs thinks it’s too soon and Amanda starts to pout.  She tells her Mom that she’s just jealous because the truth is  all of us want Jeff.

Erica and her boyfriend, Rob, are house-hunting because they want to move on to the next step.  In Erica’s world that means that you move in with one guy while still playing the field – and every position on the team.  They looked at one place that was really beautiful – on the bay, with a dock and a swimming pool.  It’s listed at $1.75 million.   Just what does Rob do for a living?  As for Erica, the sight of that swimming pool just might help her mend her cheatin’ heart.

I guess it’s time for me to say something about the meet-and-drink between Ashlee and Joey.  Last week, during the white party for Amanda’s drink rags, Ashlee called Joey a “bad person”.  Sorry about the language.  These girls really know how to hurt somebody.   Joey’s very upset about it and wants to ask Ashlee why she called her that.   Ashlee climbs up onto the bar stool, using a small step ladder and the two begin one of Bravo’s favorite scenes – the showdown between enemies.  As I said, I have no idea what Ashlee’s upset about but this girl doesn’t need a reason to do anything she says or does.  She’s got Daddy Hal and his credit cards on her side.

The two of them go back and forth.  Joey – “I can’t believe you called me a bad person.  Why am I a bad person?”  Ashlee – “I feel like you’re always making fun of me.”  Joey – ” I’ve never made fun of you or cursed at you or done anything that would make you think I’m a bad person.”  Ashlee – ”  But I FEEELLL that way.  Don’t you get it?  Who are you – the Pope?”  Joey – “You’re funny.  Yes, I’m the Pope.”  Ashlee -“Yes, I am funny.”  Joey – “Funny looking.”  Ashlee – “What did you say?  I’m funny looking?  Now you’re making fun of my appearance????  We can never be friends.”  (I may have made up that last line.  I’ve heard it somewhere before.)

Ashlee storms out and calls….Daddy Hal!   She tells him how Joey called her funny looking and Hal thinks that’s D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G.   Hal hasn’t seen Bravo’s housewives or he’d know that being “disgusting” is nothing.   Joey’s on the phone with Amanda pleading her side of the case.  Joey tries to catch up with Ashlee to talk it out but Ashlee’s running as fast as she can on her tiny little legs and big expensive shoes.   Joey is convinced that she’s always going to be the poor girl who will never be accepted.   She should count her lucky stars and run in the opposite direction right back to her “ghetto” and away from these princesses.  Ashlee’s got a big ole shit-eatin’ grin on her face.  With Hal acting as head cheerleader, she really thinks she scored and won.   When does this season end?

I didn’t mention the scenes with Amanda and Erica at the beach.  We know that Erica prefers the beach to working for her Dad.  The two girls talked about their big boobs, flat abs, hot bodies and quite frankly, what could I possibly add to that?

Chanel’s sister gets married next week.  Get your drink hankies ready.

Empress