“Same schmutz, different day.”

Yes, we’re on week two of the Shabbat dinner.  Acting on Chanel’s advice, Casey  decides to go outside to talk with Erica about their long-standing feud over the stolen boyfriend from high school.  Casey pours it on really thick in her description of how this altered her very being.  She has to live with the memory of Erica’s action every single day.  She loved that boy and what happened ten years ago has left her with relationship problems, affecting her for the rest of her life, and it only served to dredge up what her father did to her mom.  She wants to punch Erica in her fucking face for all the hurt she’s caused.  It doesn’t sound like all those nude sketches have done much to resolve her issues.  Maybe she should try needlepoint instead.  At least she’d have a weapon handy.  Erica says that she can’t fix it now.  True.  She also says that she’s not the same person as she was then.  The jury’s still out on that one.

The two go back inside and join the rest of the girls at the table.  Erica tells them she’s sorry for ruining the Shabbat dinner and for being a dickhead – then, now and forever.  I think she means that she’s sorry about the high school incident, not that she’ll be a dickhead forever, but who knows.  On cue, the doorbell rings and Amanda and Jeff are there.  After they exchange hugs and shaloms, Chanel and Erica go outside to revisit the problem with Casey.  For some reason Chanel is wearing an apron – probably because she served the challah – dinner was prepared by a chef.   Erica is pretty drunk by now and goes into a weepy pity party about how much she loves Chanel and how sick she is of people who aren’t your real friends.  Her rant ends with “Shabbat shalom, go fuck yourself.”   Well, shut my mouth and slap your grandma, I know that can’t be right.  Thankfully, everybody stumbles off to bed before any more damage is done, with Jeff and Amanda going to a hotel.

The next morning, – barely, it’s already 11AM – Chanel, Ashlee and Joey try to rouse Erica for brunch but Erica’s not felling well.  She’s hungover, that’s all, so she stays in bed and the others go out to eat.   Going out in public with this bunch is like watching a pack of hyenas stalking wildebeest.  Chanel is not above calling out, in an English accent, mind you, to two guys walking down the sidewalk, making them come over to the table where the predators are lined up for the kill.

One of the men is a tennis instructor, a jerk if you ask me, who tells his audience that he gives lessons in Palm Beach, Beverly Hill and the Hamptons.  His schitck has mixed reviews from the girls, as he asks them if they’d like to work on their stroke, and then tells them that he’ll provide more protein for them from his personal supply if they’re interested.  Those are some great pick up lines.  With that kind of charm, I’m sure they’re just lining up for his “lessons”.   Like the girls said, all the hot guys are in the Hamptons.

Back at the house, Rob, Erica’s boyfriend has arrived.  She called him the night before, in the midst of the Shabbat showdown and now he’s come to her rescue.  She’s Rapunzel and he’s the white knight in a Mercedes.  Yea, I know, that didn’t make any sense but that’s what she said and it’s her fairy tale.   While she relates her woes to him, the others have moved on to the Southampton Social Club to further humiliate themselves.  After downing some tequila shots, which make Ashlee gag, they find some seats and Ashlee takes her place between two young men.  One is quite attractive and she begins to grill him.   His name is Emmanuel and he says that he was born in South America.  That’s about all he’ll give up – no city, no country – probably because he has more pride than they do.  All of the girls start telling him how hot he is, like Clark Kent turning into Superman.

Ashlee calls her dad, Hal, to tell him that she’s got one in her sights.  She informs Hal that Emmanuel looks like Peter Parker or Edward Kent or whatever.   Joey doesn’t think that it’s so cute for Ashlee to be calling her parents at that moment.  In fact,  shes’ mortified.  Now we have another argument.  Ashlee doesn’t care what Joey thinks. She’ll call her parents any damn time she wants to.  Chanel, I think in an effort to defend Ashlee, tells the group that her Dad buys her lingerie.

Before she meets up with the girls, Amanda is at the hotel pool with Jeff and they’re all lovey dovey.  She thinks everybody loves him and that he loves everybody.  That could be, considering how he reacts to her mother.  He tells her that he’s her mirror and her bodyguard.   I didn’t quite understand what that meant but they liked it.  Finally Jeff says “I love you mama” to which she replies “I love you daddy.”   Enough already.

The ensemble has gathered at the house for a night on the town.  Erica manages to trip over a bag at the door and then gets hit by said door as Jeff enters.

After whining about how nobody cares if she’s dead or not, she gets up and joins the others in the cars and they head out to the clubs.  More tequila shots, wine, cocktails and everything else within arms’ length are consumed.  Then the dancing begins and Chanel does something that looks like she’s having a seizure while shouting “COCO’S BAAACKKK!!!”   Good, now put her away.   Drunken Bob wants Casey to make peace with Erica but Casey isn’t in the mood and probably never will be.   They all sit down for something to eat and Jeff entertains the group with his impersonations of John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone.  They think he’s amazing.   I just want to know, when did Sylvester Stallone talk about Rocky Raccoon?

They decide to head back to the house and Erica takes another stumble, this time blaming her shoes and the sand.   When they arrive, Bob is passed out in the back of the car and Erica wants to drink some more.  She opens another bottle of wine, as the others try to stop her, but she’s not about to listen and pours herself a very large glassful.    Ashlee wants to have a toast over another loaf of challah and Erica starts screaming at everybody.  Now they, and I, think she’s insane.  Bob has staggered inside and he’s going to reason with her.  It’s really pretty and so much fun to watch when one drunken mess tries to calm another drunken mess.  Erica is in full-blown meltdown mode, crying about how hard it is to make everyone happy.  She’s overwhelmed by the burden of making the world a better place, one friendship or stolen boyfriend at a time.

The next morning, Bob and Erica leave before the others are out of bed.  Either they’re incredibly rude guests or they realize that they made complete asses out of themselves at 2:30 in the morning.  Ashlee calls Daddy to remind him of his spa appointment and to tell him how much she misses him.  It’s been two days and no one’s retrieved a hairbrush for her or carried her out to a car.  He wants to know if she’s found any potential suitors and Ashlee says that she hasn’t.  It’s all good, though – she and Dad have all Summer to work on it.    It’s not like she has anything else to do.

Shalom y’all.

Empress