Princesses: Long Island – Shabbocalypse Now

“A slap in the face heals, but a harsh word is always remembered.”   It is when you’re on BravoTV.

Chanel and Ashlee head to New York City to meet up with Casey Cohen, our sixth princess, for a night of clubbing.  In their never-ending quest for husbands they go to a nightclub which is full of men – a veritable “penis party” – but the men are there en masse because it’s gay night.  That doesn’t slow down our girls one iota – the men are single and therefore eligible bachelors in their eyes.   After they leave the club, alone for some reason, we’re treated to Casey’s back-story which goes as far back as high school.   The very old and tragic tale involves Erica, who stole, among dozens of others, Casey’s boyfriend.  Not only did she sweep the lad off his feet, so to speak, but she left Casey without a prom date and a ten year old reason for a grudge and a pity party.  Did I mention that this is tragic?  Well it is – in fact, this is beyond tragic and certainly worth keeping all that pent-up anger going until you’re well into your twenties.

Amanda and Jeff go out to dinner with Erica and her current boyfriend Bob, who looks just like Jeff.  Erica tells the others some dumb story about a woman in China who ate octopus in a restaurant and the octopus delivered its’ babies in her mouth.   They decide that they shouldn’t order octopus for fear of having to raise a bunch of tentacled newborns.   That kind of thing happens all the time, so be careful when you order sushi, okay?

All of the ladies are invited to a house Chanel rented in the Hamptons for a Shabbat weekend.  Chanel is very excited about showing the others just how Shabbat is celebrated in her own home and we all can’t wait to enjoy it right along with them.  Before we get there, though, we have to listen to more of Casey’s problems, some of which stem from her father’s infidelity and the fact that her parents divorced when she was two.  This explains why Erica’s predatory behavior is so hurtful.  Casey does have some coping mechanism.  When she’s not working as a waitress, she makes dozens of sketches of nude women.   I don’t know what that’s supposed to do to help her with her issues, but I’m sure some therapist would have a field day with it.

Joey also lost a boyfriend to Erica, who she describes as “one hot piece of ass”.   Erica stole his virginity, as well, leaving Joey to advise one and all that you should never leave your boyfriend alone with her.   That’s probably the smart thing to do but it might also be a good idea to find a guy who isn’t going to jump the same hot piece of ass everyone else has already had.  Oh right, this was high school.  Silly me.  It’s been awhile.

Chanel has arranged for a party bus to pick up everyone, except Casey, to take them to the rental house where they can begin drinking and fighting – I’m sorry – recognizing the Sabbath.  Erica Gimbel

Once on the bus, our girls open up a couple of bottles of Pinot Grigio, use the pole on the bus to demonstrate their stripper skills and begin discussing the men in the Hamptons.  Apparently there are so many hot guys in the Hamptons that it’s “like shooting gefilte fish in a barrel.”   Erica tells the group that she’s read “Fifty Shades of Grey” which made her want to masturbate, something she first learned how to do with a shower head.   Too much information?  Don’t shoot the messenger – these girls really have no boundaries.

They finally arrive at the house and  Erica starts singing “Hava Nagila”.  Given the title of this episode, I expected “The Ride of the Valkyries” and Robert Duvall declaring how much he loves the smell of Manischewitz in the morning.   Precious, diminutive Ashlee, fresh off her escape from the ghetto, calls her Mom and begins to whine about a stain on her bed.   It’s not like the Ritz, and she loves the Ritz.  Of course she does.  Ashlee White

Have no fear, she’s brought her own entire set of bedding.  Sleeping where other people have slept before gives her the skeeves, and well, we wouldn’t want to have her suffer anymore.

The girls are getting dressed in their sexiest outfits, because, as everyone knows, Shabbat is all about being hot, especially among a bunch of your girlfriends.  Then the moment we’ve all been waiting for – the arrival of Casey.  Now, this girl is determined to make Erica pay for the sins of the past.  Armed with a bottle of something from the Skinnygirl line of alcohol, she makes an entrance and begins her war of total alienation of her nemesis, the evil Erica.   We get it.  Erica is best known for practicing the art of seduction to the point of sluttiness, but this has been going on since high school.   This has to be a chapter right out of The Book of Zarin.  Hold that grudge, for as long as you can and see if you can turn an entire group against your particular enemy.

While Chanel tries to say a few prayers and have a Shabbat dinner, Casey wants only to shoot ice-covered daggers in Erica’s direction.  She succeeds, in a way, because Erica runs from the table crying – well, almost crying.Erica Gimbel

Casey Cohen

It’s more like the other scenes we’ve seen, where some Bravolebrity or another makes a scrunched up face and sniffles and covers their eyes while trying to squeeze out one single tear, usually without success.  Inside, Casey’s crying.  Over what, I’m not sure.  She tried to make it sound like her high school boyfriend abandoned her on their wedding day, barefoot and pregnant.   All of the crying puts everyone into motion.  Joey runs out the door in pursuit of Erica and Chanel wants Casey to confront Erica.  She tells Casey that she’s already “in the moment” so why not just go for it.   Yea, why not?   I’m in the moment and the anticipation is killing me, I’ll tell ya.  Chanel, in an effort to stir the pot a little more, runs out to Erica and tells her that she should face Casey and put this whole thing to rest, once and for all.   There are a few things that one shouldn’t do during Shabbat, which involve certain types of labor.  Does settling a decade old score fall into any of those categories?   This episode is to be continued.  Nothing says Bravo better than a two-part episode about a grudge match dating back to high school.

Hey, all you nice single guys out there – take a good, long look at these girls.   This is your last warning.


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3 Responses to Princesses: Long Island – Shabbocalypse Now

  1. melthehound says:

    I love your approach to this show, Empress. Complete snark. I haven’t seen the whole thing yet but don’t really feel the need to either. All I’ve learned from the episode so far was that Erica once was and perhaps still is, the town pump, and that Amanda is a bigger idiot than I could have imagined (and I have a very vivid and active imagination when it comes to these shows).. Who knew the women dressed so hot for Shabbat? I may have to convert 😆

    • Oh, mth, they make it so easy. Putting the girls on display for the observance of the Sabbath, really?!?! ;D
      Now, you’re the one doing the heavy lifting – recapping the Joisey crew. I had to watch the last episode just to see the crumbling faux granite and broken faucet in the mansion that Michaelaneglo built…OMG.

      • melthehound says:


        Yeah, I might be doing some heavy lifting but I’m choosing my weights carefully.

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