Photo credit: Bravo | The cast of “Princesses: Long Island,” from left: Erica Gimbel, Chanel Omari, Amanda Bertoncini, Casey Cohen, Joey Lauren and Ashlee White.

Bravo is trying to reach a new demographic by stereotyping yet another group of women, presumably to prove just how much Andy Cohen hates them.  This precious bunch of misfits is composed of 20-something girls who still live at home, thanks to their privileged sperm, and whose only purpose is to find rich, successful Jewish men to marry.   While they wait and waste their live away,  the princesses drink, shop, party, drink some more and shop some more.

First we have Chanel “Coco” Omari, who is feeling the pressures of being 27 and single even more than the others because her younger sister, Ashley, is already engaged.   Coco had a boyfriend but he took off a few months ago to reunite with his other former girlfriend – a 19-year-old.   Next, there’s Erica Gimbel, age 29, and she describes  her life as “definitely a Jewish thing and definitely a Long Island thing.”  There you go, it’s just that simple, in her mind. We have another Ashlee, not to be confused with Ashley.   Ashlee White is 30 – oh the horror.  Ashlee doesn’t mind living at home until her Prince Charming comes along.   In fact, she’s more than happy to have Mom go to the supermarket for her, clean her room, not pay rent and do whatever she feels like doing, which isn’t much.   In her words, “I’m Jewish, I’m a princess, so what?”

Ashlee is really close to her Dad and his wallet.  The twosome spent some quality time together by getting father-daughter mani-pedis.  Dad even helped his little princess pick out her nail polish color. It doesn’t get closer than that.   I can’t tell you how many times I wished my Dad would have done the same.   I didn’t just say that, did I?   It has to be the Dr. Pepper because the last thing I would ever imagine is my father having any interest in nail salons, never mind the embarrassment of him sitting next to me, soaking his feet and picking out polish.   The salon trip posed a problem for Ashlee because they didn’t have salon slippers with heels.  The poor thing is only 4’9″ and wouldn’t get caught dead trying to walk in flats.  It’s so bad for her that she has to enlist a salon employee to carry her sorry butt to the car.    I sure hope that Daddy gave him a very good tip.

Next up is Amanda Bertoncini, age 26, who lives with her mother, Babs.  Amanda has a boyfriend, her soulmate, Jeff, who is 12 years older and has yet to put a ring on it.  Babs doesn’t want her baby to move out and she might just get her wish.  During a really weird and awkward scene, Jeff goes bathing suit shopping with his girlfriend and her Mom.  Jeff wants to see them in string bikinis, –  you know, he tells the clerk, Brazilian string bikinis.  As the two women come out of the dressing rooms wearing their skimpy suits, Jeff is obviously having a wet dream of a threesome.  While giggling and gushing over their swimwear and their respective hotness, Jeff tells them, “You’re going to put a hole in my pocket”.  Feel free to puke now.

This brings us to Joey Lauren, age 29, who does not have the same type of  privileged sperm and lives in the ghetto known as Freeport, Long Island – so dubbed by her bestie, Ashlee.  Joey actually works for a living and is staring her own business.   On her way to pick her friend up at her house, Ashlee is so afraid of the neighborhood that she calls Daddy to tell him about the mean streets.  OMG!  They have like, you know, furniture on their porches.  She says, possibly in an effort to appear to have something resembling an ounce of humanity,  “I really feel bad for them.  I want to literally give everyone a hug and then get the hell out.”  I don’t know how she managed it, given the danger present at every turn,  but Ashlee makes it safely out of the hood, and proceeds to drive to a store which is closed due to a power failure.  No one says no to the girl so she talks her way in because, after all, her birthday is two weeks away and she just has to try on dresses now.  Right now.  There are no other stores and time’s a tickin’.

Everybody shows up for a pool party thrown by Erica at her cousin’s manse and more Bravoesque drama ensues.   Joey brings some guys, personal trainers, who have the requisite six-pack abs, but that’s not important to Ashlee.  No, she wants more – a man with “amenities”.    Another young lady, Sara, arrives at the party and she’s a Facebook friend of Jeff’s.   Of course, this causes a screaming match and Sara ends up calling Jeff a faggot.   Jeff is screaming “Take a stroll!” from somewhere safely off in the background.  Drinks are thrown and feelings are hurt.  Almost everyone agrees that it sucks.  Everything and everyone sucks.  Sara says that Jeff is hideous, Jeff says that that sucks and Sara sucks, too.  The only ones who don’t seem to care about the mayhem, and certainly don’t think that anything sucks are the beefcake boys who are just happy for some free booze, a pool and a bunch of crazy, bikini-clad babes to stare at.  Coco says “This is why we’re all not married.”  Duh, ya think?  That’s just one of the reasons, darlin’.   There’s just too many to list right now.  I think I now know where a half dozen copies of Jill Zarin’s book went.

Next week, we’ll meet Casey Cohen, another one of the princesses.  I bet you can’t wait.  I’m sure she’s just as special as the rest of them.

Empress