Hello Idol fans. This is extremely late and I apologize for that. It’s been a week, I’ll just say that and move on.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time (if any) bashing the judges, they didn’t really do anything cringe worthy this week. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway. Let’s just get to the auditions. With the help of my note taker on Youtube (madrosed), here we go.

We start off the week in San Antonio Texas. I don’t know what the actual venue was but they kept showing the Alamo. First up was a guy named Vincent. Vincent is another repeat offender that made it pretty far through Hollywood last season. I don’t know why he was cut because the dude can sing. He made it there once again and I kind of hope that he can make the live shows so I have something to enjoy this season. Next, Derek and David. Either brothers or cousins. Why they chose to audition together is beyond me. First, they cannot sing. Second as a result, they cannot harmonize. Try as they may to convince the judges otherwise, it’s a solid no for these two bitches (you have to see it to understand why I say that). Then, I think, a treat for idol listeners. She’s a 20 something mom to a 5yo daughter (I guess around 24)… She whipped out At Last and ummm yeah. Definite yes from the judges And me. Up next is Crystabel (?), 29, mom of 3, this is her last shot. I guess she has a ministry there in SA, Texas, she sang an Alicia Keys song, I didn’t hate in fact, rather enjoyed it.

Now we get to one of these nomination bids. Ann, whose husband nominated her. The Dawg made an appearance at the University if Arkansas pre-game (as if it was a surprise- groan) and told her she’d been invited to audition in Texas. She was okay, made it through. So far with these nominations, only one has completely failed to pass muster with the judges. Then Victoria.. A life long mariachi singer. I forget what her first song was (it was a Fergi (sp) song). It was decent but left the judges a little flat. Given some of the talent I’ve seen, I would agree but they asked her to do a song of her genre, mariachi. I don’t know what song she did and couldn’t understand it because it was in Spanish, but, it was good enough to get her that golden ticket. If she makes it through Hollywood, I don’t expect her to last long though. Then, bring on the screechfest. One of many we see this week. Nuff said. Say hello to Papa Peaches.. I’d rather say goodbye. He’s one of those eccentric characters who did an original song. He says he has black woman soul. I think he should give it back. To me, his song sounded very plantation and while I do sometimes enjoy that sort of thing, I don’t enjoy it from a 20 year old gay white dude. However, the judges gave him a pass. It was actually a tie vote at first, Nicki and Mariah Yes, Keith and Randy, No. Randy broke the tie by changing his mind. I don’t expect this guy to make it very far. The next one is Sani (?). Mom is from Tanzania and dad is from Kenya (I wonder if…. never mind).. He’s a Michael Jackson dance alike and is part of some group who goes around performing. He did a MJ song and I’ll admit, he did a good job. Yes for him. Then, Adam Sander (?)… Another who thinks he can cover Etta James and you know what? He can. I laugh when people who think they can, can’t and I smile when they can.

Time to relocate. Long Beach California aboard the Queen Mary (which is haunted by the way). For the first part of this, Mariah and Nicki were no shows. Mariah stuck in that LA traffic (that she says she didn’t expect – cough cough bullshit cough) and Nicki was at a rehearsal for some job she had. So, it was just Keith and Randy. The first contestant shown was named Shooba (or Shuba), I don’t know which but I’m sure I’ll learn because the girl can sing. It didn’t seem to phase her that there were only two judges but I’m certain if the other two were there, it would have still been a unanimous yes with her Christina Agulara song. Then of course, In true idol edit form, Brian Martinez (watch out for these when I actually remember their last name)… Apparently he’s a bathroom singer. Not that it’s bad to be one, the acoustics are usually great. However, when some ‘producer’ named ‘John’ shows you and tells you to audition for Idol, umm, might be a good idea to take a pass. Either John is a real person and was messing around with the guy, or Brian is delusional enough to think he belongs on any stage. I suspect a little of both. Bring back William Huang if this is what you’re going to assault us with Idol… Really.

Next is Matt. He served in the military in Iraq and his convoy came across one of those IEDs one day. He says all he remembers about it is waking up in the hospital. He says he served 6 years which suggests he was there in Iraq more than once. His arms are tattooed with tribute to his fallen friends in arms. Apparently, he was told the med he was given would make him sterile. I didn’t quite catch the timing of all of this but within about 6 months, his wife was pregnant. I will just assume some sort of miscalculation by the doctors in telling him the side affects of the meds as he was auditioning with his 3yo daughter Cadence by his side. He did Sam Cook’s A Change Is Going To Come (we hear that song a few times this week). It was okay but didn’t wow me. I think he changed it up too much, the words were out of order, and I think if not for his story and his cute 3yo kid standing next to him, it would have been a no. I don’t expect him to make it to the live shows. Then, I owe the Hound some cookies for subjecting him to Stephenie. Stephenie is a joke of a spoiled rotten little shit. Purple hair (nothing against that) sings in a band and says she’s going to do an Adele song. She starts mosh pit jumping around, punk rock screaming, flipping off the cameras, as a joke of an audition. Thanks bitch, there’s 60 seconds I’ll never get back nor do I want them. Mom and dad must be so proud. (Yes, I’ll call a 14yo that name). Not to worry, Idol followed that hot mess with Josia (I think that’s her name). This young lady can Sing. However, during her audition, the smoke/fire alarm sirens went off and the room had to be cleared. Not to worry though, she was allowed to complete her audition and it’s a yes for her. She took it all in shit happens stride and it didn’t seem to phase her at all. Good for her.

Remember the stuttering guy from a couple weeks ago? We have another one. This guy, Mica (?) had his tonsils out when he was a kid. Apparently during the operation, they hit a nerve that left him with a speech impediment. It wasn’t really a stutter but it was clear he has trouble speaking though he works with a speech therapist. Holy crap on a cracker though, Dude Can Sing. People compare these moments to Susan Boyle’s audition on the X Factor (UK). However, when she walked out on the stage, people including the judges, were laughing at her, until she opened her mouth and sang. In all of these auditions aboard the haunted ship, we see some of the miserables with the made for Idol TV graphics and what not… One more I want to touch on from this episode is Brianna. There’s always at least one bullied girl in all of these auditions. At one time, she had been on the Maury Povich show about talented kids. Now she is 16 years old. Apparently after she was on that show, her catty bitch jealous friends (those are my words, not hers) turned on her and she spent the next several months basically shunned. To the point where she had to eat either in the bathroom or with a teacher during lunch. Well, bitches, pay attention now. This young lady whipped out Up To The Mountain and, yeah… See you mean girls on 16 and pregnant. I know others have done that song including my all time favorite, Crystal Bowersox, and, yeah. First misty eyed moment for me, at the near end of the episode. Full on lump in my throat, sitting in the front pew at church just so I can hear her better. Closing the show, Mataus (sp).. Apparently he was on the Glee Project a couple years ago. I wouldn’t know, I hate musicals and for that reason alone, have never seen anything Glee related. He’s about 4 feet tall at 21yo and I guess he just stopped growing at some point when he was young. He of course was picked on all through Jr High and High school for being the way he was (another bullying story).. The judges assure him that as long as he can sing, there’ll be no negativity from them. He busts out in tears at some point either before or after he sang, I don’t remember which. All I could think sans his singing was he was having a Sally Fields moment.. You Really Really Like Me? However, the man does have chops. Sam Cook’s A Change Is Going To Come, done right. I hope that was his only Sally Fields moment though, it’s going to get old real fast if he plays it too much. End of the Queen Mary auditions. I really hate these two hour shows. Thankfully the second show is only an hour. Let’s get to it .

Now we are in Oklahoma City. I’m not going into the show’s theatrics, I never watch them anyway.. First one we meet is Carl. Self described Ginger (red hair) who cannot stand still on stage. He has to move around. I guess when you’re a red head white dude singing James Brown, you have to play it up. I can’t say that I hated it. The judges then asked him to do something with his guitar and he did an original, sort of country sounding song. I enjoyed it, it didn’t suck, he’s on to Hollywood. By the way, They tried to convince Ryan that this guy could take His job on the show (please do). Next there is a mix up of crying miserables. You know the ones. They who believe that they have skills but don’t and are so disappointed that the judges say no. Get over yourselves people. Either you have it, or you don’t. Next up, Nate. His parents are both deaf. Side note here, I went to college with a guy whose parents were both deaf and he had a speech impediment because of it. I guess they could talk well enough to teach him but you could hear in his speaking, that he learned from people who couldn’t hear themselves. Anyway, Nate did okay with a Stevie Wonder song but I think the main reason he made it through was to fill out the PC gotta have at least one of each on the show. He’s Asian. I don’t know what type, apparently it isn’t proper to call someone whose heritage is from China, Chinese.

Now, Haley (and Oscar).. She’s a ventriloquist and yeah, she’s not too bad at it. For her song, she and Oscar did a duet. That I want a cowboy song that ends with yodeling. Only Oscar did the Yodeling. Okay. Didn’t suck but they asked her to put Oscar down and do one on her own. I don’t remember what it was but we’ll be seeing her for a hot second in Hollywood. Zonette is up next. Full of life and certain body parts also are full of life. She likes to jump and dance around and if that’s what makes her happy, god bless. However, I think it took a few seconds for her rear end to stop jumping after she stopped. Just sayin.. That doesn’t mean she isn’t likeable by the way. Her song, Our national anthem, The Star Spangled Banner. In my honest opinion she tortured that song. Most people, even singers, cannot sing that song. I guess she hit the notes but the way she sang it, woke the hound and he wasn’t happy. She also forgot some of the words and Mariah had to feed them to her. She made it through on her personality but once this becomes a singing comp, don’t expect to see too much of her. She had a bet with friends or family I guess that if the current occupant was elected for a second term, the SSB would be her audition song. After she finished, as if he would be watching, she went on a rant about not being invited to the White House. Then, she admonished the judges to get on with the vote because she had a lunch date. This is one who was sent through so there would be someone to send home, I’m convinced of that.

Now, delusional. Anestasia. Wearing 5 or 6 inch heals, wipes out on the carpet outside of the audition room. When she gets to the stage she takes the shoes off. She is going to sing Toni Braxton’s unbreak my heart. It wasn’t great or even good. Her story though is that God, told her to audition for the show. Idol did some corny dramatization of the event when he spoke to her and told her to audition for idol. Not The Voice and definitely not X Factor. I suppose God is merciful because those two shows have live audiences all throughout the auditions. They would have laughed their asses off at her so at least she was spared the humiliation of having it happen live. It’s a no. As she is getting into her car, she will never listen to Mariah again, and has never listened to Nicki.. Drama queen much? She seemed to take the no in stride and perhaps this was just for the cameras and the show (producer driven). How often to we see the camera follow anyone back to the parking lot? Closing the show, Caden (?).. 16yo with Cystic Fibrosis, life expectancy, 35. Apparently  since he has such a short time to live he takes each day as if it’s his last. Wise choice. I don’t remember what song he sang, I guess he was okay, I didn’t care for it (think he was that good) but they put him through. I mean, come on, they have to have the cute factor sob story in there somewhere. Like some of the others I’ve discussed, I suspect he’ll make the live shows, get some sympathy vote (sending some REAL talent home), and then he’ll be gone from the show. I don’t see a top 5 finish with this kid even with the tweenies falling all over the cute factor.. He seemed to have a crush on Mariah though.

Overall, the Oklahoma auditions kind of sucked. The best of the mediocre made it though and they’d better step up their game if they are going to make it very far. Next week, we start with Hollywood where I think at least half of these people will be stuck right back on an airplane to be sent home. Many of whom will be delusional enough to believe it should have been someone else going home. The judges, as I said, didn’t piss me off this week. I still like Nicki as a judge as I feel she’s the only one giving these people honest critique (and perhaps even useful to them). I’ll say it again, I really thought I was going to hate this woman. I hate her genre of music but, not her.

That’s it Idol fans.. See you next week.

Edit: If you want to see how badly I’ve butchered their names or you want to watch the audition reels, you can find them here.

Edit, Again- Here is an update on one of these contestants (thank you RealHousewifeVA for pointing this out).. Read here about the military dude with the questionable sob story. Since I’m posting the link, I’ll go ahead and post the content (hope that’s okay)…

The article states:

“It was Matthew Farmer’s story of suffering from a traumatic brain injury from an IED explosion in Iraq that touched the “American Idol” fans’ hearts Wednesday.

In the January 30 episode of “Idol,” Farmer had auditioned in Long Beach, Calif. and claimed to have spent years recovering after an IED attack had left him with brain damage.

Farmer told “Idol” host Ryan Seacrest that the medicine he took for his brain injury left him sterile. Because of this, Farmer told Seacrest he viewed his daughter’s birth as truly miraculous.

Days after the episode aired, multiple emails were sent to the veterans’ website guardianofvalor.com by Farmer’s former comrades claiming he was a liar.

Farmer, in a statement to the veterans’ site, admitted he had been lying.”

I REALLY hate Douche bags like this. Just sayin… If he by some miracle has made the Live shows (I doubt it, he wasn’t that great), DO NOT Vote for him.