Book Deal? – Big Deal

Kathryn Stockett received 60 rejection letters from agents and publishers before someone finally found  “The Help” worth printing.  It stayed on the New York Times Bestseller List for over 100 weeks.  First time authors know, all too well, the number of times their works will be passed over, sometimes in unflattering and insulting ways.   “The Diary of Anne Frank” was rejected 16 times, with one publisher writing “The girl doesn’t, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift the book above the ‘curiosity’ level”.   One message to Joseph Heller, regarding”Catch-22″  was delivered this way, “I haven’t the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say.  Apparently the author intends it to be funny – possibly even satire – but it is really not funny on any intellectual level.”   Rudyard Kipling was told that he didn’t know how to use the English language and one publisher dismissed Emily Dickinson’s poems as “generally devoid of true poetical qualities.”  John Le Carre found out that he really didn’t have a future in writing and, in probably the most laughable rejection letter, George Orwell’s submission of the manuscript for “Animal Farm” was received with “It is impossible to sell animal stories in the USA.”

Hunter S. Thompson, not one to keep his opinions to himself, fired back at a publisher with his own, very clear response.

Of course, success is always the best revenge, and all of these writers have gone on to sell tens of millions of copies of their works.  Nearly all of them have taken up residence on the New York Times Bestseller list.  More recent best-selling authors enjoy the assurance that, once their names and writings become household names, their books will sell, their reputations being established for delivering some good reads.

Then there are those who make the lists because their names are famous for different reasons, usually unrelated to anything that could even remotely be regarded as a talent for prose and literature.  They’re celebrities – with a very small “c”.   Justin Bieber has “written” two book, the first debuting at number 2 on the children’s hardcover chapter list.   I have a feeling that a number of tweens purchased it, not as much for his very short life story, but for the poster that came with it.   Reading anything is never a bad thing, but I’m happier to see J.K. Rowlings’ Harry Potter sitting for years among the titles of the children’s books than the ruminations of a boy who just started shaving.

There’s a trend to “strike while the iron’s hot” in the publishing industry which is offering book deals to just about anybody who is watching their fifteen minutes count down at lightning speed.    Among The Real Housewives of BravoTV,  there are 22 books in print, or on their way.  Some of these books, from people like Bethenny Frankel and Teresa Giudice, have allowed their authors to add “New York Times Bestseller” to their book jackets, no matter how briefly they may have enjoyed that prestigious status – these days a “hot minute” will suffice.  Others haven’t been quite so successful, or, in my humble opinion, even worth the paper they were printed on.   Jill Zarin shared secrets that should have been kept by her family.  LuAnn de Lesseps did nothing more than give us another example of  a “do as I say, not as I do” piece of published garbage.    Taylor Armstrong, under the questionable claim that she was helping women, managed to make the subject of domestic violence worse – perhaps doing more harm than good.   Kelly Bensimon likes to have her picture taken and just throws together some published slop about bikinis and making us “hot”.

We have even more of these books to look forward to.   Brandi Glanville, Adrienne Maloof, if you can believe one damn word out of her mouth, and Melissa Gorga have book deals.   Brandi needs to make money,  Adrienne needs to talk about Adrienne and Melissa, well that’s a whole different story.   If what I’ve been reading is correct, the working title of the auto-tune princess’ book is “Love, Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage”.   More secrets.  More “hot”.   Please spare us from both.  It sounds like “50 Shades of Gross”.

I have my own ideas for a book by MeGo.  She should write about poison.   She has her own expert on the topic – the Munchkin of Chippendales.   With a little work, it could be a real bestseller, with twists and turns a la Le Carre and Tom Clancy.  Russian spies are picked off with mercury capsules hidden in umbrellas and ricin laced pens.   If novels aren’t her forte, then she could go the science route, providing information on antidotes for thallium, possibly saving some of those KGB alums from certain death.   Nah, that’s not going to work.  I’ll just stick with the premise that she’s better at fiction.  So, the dust cover of her spy novel would have a picture she already has at hand – the one of her sprawled across her dining room table.  real-housewives-of-new-jersey-recap-melissa.jpgThis time, though, it wouldn’t be about being “on display”, but rather would portray her as some soon to be revived, modern-day Mata Hari.   The book could include pictures of her beloved and devoted husband, Joey, and their matching cat burglar outfits, adding to the spy versus spy theme.   MeGo and JoGo would be the stealthy, and ultimately heroic, characters in all of this, saving the world from the villains, Juicy and Tree.   A battle of good over evil, just waiting to be made into a movie starring, of course, the Gorgas.

I doubt that the Gorgas care what I think, so my ideas will never be a consideration.   The book will end up on some shelf somewhere, and people will buy it, in spite of my warnings.  The New York Times has a number of categories for their lists: Hardcover Fiction, Hardcover Nonfiction, Paperback Fiction,  Paperback Nonfiction, Hardcover Advice, Paperback Advice, eBook Fiction, eBook Nonfiction, Mass Market Fiction, Hardcover Graphic Novels,  Paperback Graphic Novels, Manga, Children’s Picture Books,  Children’s Chapter Books,  Children’s Paperbacks, and Children’s Series.   I know where I’d like to see some of these celebrity books, but I imagine that the Gorgas would fall under “advice”, should it sell enough copies to get there.  After all, the very first people I’d look to for advice are celebrities.  As for the New York Times and that once-treasured list, Stephen King says that he’s still thrilled when his agent calls to tell him he made it, again.   Good for him – at least he did it the old-fashioned way, with seemingly endless rewrites and 20 plus rejections.

By the way, it’s already December 21st in a good part of the world.    I guess I’ll have to make that mortgage payment, after all.  Damn Mayans.


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12 Responses to Book Deal? – Big Deal

  1. Kaereste says:

    “Damn Mayans”. LOL. I guess I have to color my hair now.
    Damn Gorgas. I’m sure there will be plenty of gross details of their bedroom gymnastics in order to incite controvery and sales. Yuck!

    • The NYT should come up with a new list just for celebrity books – pap.
      Re: the EOTW. I hope Nostradamus is going to help with all of that laundry I wasn’t going to do. 😉

  2. melthehound says:

    Every time I see those pictures of her, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. Maybe it’s just her.

    29 minutes to go locally then I expect to see some major shit happening around here. If it doesn’t then I’ll know that all these doomsdayers are completely full of it.

    • There’s an unexplained power outage in the Baltimore area – it could be a sign . I think that your second option is more likely, though 😉
      MeGo? Yea, it’s just her.

  3. lovesrealitytv says:

    Empress-you had a good idea there for Melissa-her book title should be “On Display” at least it’s a snappy title and has relevance.
    Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

  4. Donna says:


  5. Kaereste says:

    “The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn’t end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.” –Jay Leno

    • Google Facts:
      NASA has confirmed that on the 21st of December, late evening, the sky is going to turn very dark. This is a phenomenon called “Night”.

      • Kaereste says:

        Got to love the nerd humor of “The Google”.

      • melthehound says:

        😆 It’s midnight here, Dec 22, and we’re still here. Honestly, I’m a bit disappointed. I was hoping to see something spectacular. I guess I’ll have to wait for the sun to explode while I’m taking you up on that porch seat at The Farm 😉

  6. I have done very well self-publishing without the rejection. It is hard work, but worth it in the end. Great post!

  7. Morning Empress! Great post about publishing. It galls me a little that there are so many good writers (ahem) out there trying to get published as they publish this drivel from the HW’s and call it a best seller. Grrr. Integrity lost. (hmmm, great title for a book! LOL!)

    About Dec 21st – We are now well into the morning of Dec. 22nd and (raising hand) still here! Want to know my take on the doomsday prediction? It came last Friday, in the form of a cataclysmic event that shattered the world. Lives were lost, and a great darkness spread over us as we realized that on this planet great change was needed in order to survive and for our race to flourish again. And there you have it! The end of the world as we knew it.

    Wishing you and everyone here a great pre-holiday weekend! 😉

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