My DVR was sending me warnings that it was very close to reaching full capacity, so I decided to clear out some space and found a few episodes of “Couples Therapy”.   I’d read a few things about it, which is probably how it got to the DVR in the first place, so out of curiosity and a need to make room for some of my must-see TV, I watched a couple of hours of the program.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.   It did offer me some small comfort knowing that whatever I’d experienced during my married life paled in comparison to what I was hearing and seeing.

The only couples I know anything about are Alex and Simon, and Doug and Courtney.   Simon and Alex are familiar for obvious reasons.  As for the latter two, well, he was the sadistic prison guard in “The Green Mile”, and now, as a couple, they have done the talk show circuit as part of their traveling freak show of a marriage.  I’m not surprised that both of these couples are going through therapy on reality television.   As much as Silex want to blame some of their problems on being part of the Real Housewives, there is plenty of irony in the fact that they chose to air their issues in yet another reality show format.   Courtney and Doug, on the other hand, are just a train wreck.   I don’t know if anything can help their marriage because, in my opinion, there is nothing about these two that even comes close to representing a long-term, adult, committed relationship.

During one of the episode I saw, Courtney, who has the fashion sense of Jodie Foster’s character in “Taxi Driver”, go into some sort of parallel universe while her husband tried to discuss some issues he was grappling with.  More than a few times, she interrupted his stream of consciousness to ask him if he could smell a pot-smoking skunk.   That happens a lot when you’re married.  If it’s not those damned joint-dragging, stinky creatures, it’s flying unicorns.  You should draw your partner’s attention to these things immediately, because you never know when they’ll sneak up on you, and they could be dangerous.

There’s no reasonable way to address her penchant for wearing what she does and why she wears such outfits.   She doesn’t even know why she likes to let it all hang out.  When Dr. Jenn asked her if she had ever considered putting a pair of sweat pants and a shirt on, she said that she wanted to but “It’s haaarrrddd”.  Her little gum chewing self can’t like, you know, totally figure how why, like, all those men, you know, like want to look at her.  I like totally get it.  It’s really hard to figure out that displaying excess boobage and your ass cheeks while wearing 6″ plastic hooker shoes might draw attention to you, especially when you have the same attention span and logical reasoning skills as a gnat.

Doug, on the other hand, says that he doesn’t like the kind of attention she gets and why.  Right Doug, you married her because she loves to discuss Nietzsche and Kant.   It’s okay, though because he just looooves her, so much so, that he takes her to the bathroom so that she can go pee-pee.   That takes some wedding vows to a whole new level.   The lovestruck Doug has given up everything for his sweet Lolita, including his family.  His mother and brother have given up on both of them and they’re no longer speaking.   Oddly enough, and as if this could get any odder, Courtney’s parents gave their new son-in-law their blessing.  I’m thinking it was more like, “Here. Take her. We don’t know what to do with her”.  It’s the only thing that makes sense to me because no real parent would ever have given permission for this disaster.

Now, moving on to Alex and Simon.  We saw some pretty nasty things from Simon during the couples’ run on Bravo.  I just didn’t realize how mean, even cruel, he could be until they decided to change over to VH-1 and participate in even more “reality”.   During this week’s episode, the two of them, under the watchful eye and ear of a counselor, argued about arguing.  Alex said that Simon never let her finish a thought before he would interrupt her.  She told him that she thought it was rude, disrespectful, obnoxious and that it wasn’t the type of behavior she saw in her household growing up.   Simon barely listened, while he smoked a cigarette and behaved as if the whole thing was just some sort of parlor game.   When he finally allowed her to have her say, he told her that just about everything she was saying was really her problem.  He informed her that he had a right to be obnoxious and that she should, in essence, deal with it.  That didn’t sound very productive or very thoughtful to me.

Having watched too many episodes of too many Bravo programs, I can’t help but wonder if Simon and Alex really are having such serious issues, or if they’re still caught up in the scripted reality we’ve all come to recognize exists.   They both know how it works.  Alex even does a vlog about Bravo’s version of reality.  As for Simon, well Simon likes to see Simon on television.   Many of us have pointed out the fact that what he really wanted was to be another Housewife.  He managed to insinuate himself into scenes where he wasn’t wanted, including a girls’ night – the pioneer for all HouseHusbands,  long before Reid Drescher came along.   He played every team and every cast mate for a little extra camera time.   When his wife asked him to be her wing-man, Simon either didn’t know what that meant, or didn’t care.  It didn’t matter what had transpired or who was feuding – Jill, Bethenny, Alex, Luann or even Kelly – if there was a way to have his face on screen, he was there.  Simon and Alex have suddenly been seen around town with Aviva and Reid.  I don’t know if that should surprise me.  The economy is bad for everybody and there’s really not a lot of work for once upon a time reality stars, so I guess you strike and hope that the iron is still hot.

Watching these few episodes of “Couples Therapy” did provide me with some more of those “I can’t believe what I’m seeing” moments, so I guess it served some purpose.   I had some laundry to do, so, what the hell, it was interesting in that sort of car crash way.   I will give my husband a kiss and say thank you.  He won’t have a clue as to what brought that on, but I will and I’ll feel much better.

Empress