Andy Cohen: “Hi, I’m Andy Cohen and I’d like to welcome you all to a very special reunion of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  We haven’t seen these ladies for almost 15 years and all of us here at Bravo thought the viewers would like to know what they’ve been doing.  So,  let’s all say hi and welcome to Caroline, Teresa, Jacqueline, Kathy and Melissa.”

The Housewives:  “Hi Andy.”

Andy: “Caroline, I hear that you’re a grandmother now.”

Caroline: “That’s right, Andy.  Lauren and Vito have an adorable son.  They named him “Tiny” after my father in law.”

Teresa: “Caroline, stop lying.  He’s not even a real person.”

Caroline: “Shut the f*** up, Teresa. Don’t talk about my family, especially my grandson.”

Teresa: “Caroline, “Tiny” is an anamomomonnotricky thing.  They stole him from the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disneyland.”

Caroline: “Teresa, I’m warning you.  DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY.  He’s a very real and precious little boy who just happens to sing the same song over and over.”

Teresa: “OK, whatever.  Maybe it’s just a coinkydink that he looks Norwegian.”

Andy: “Well, we’re not going to resolve this tonight so let’s move on.  Melissa, what have you been up to lately?”

Melissa: “Well, Andy, my singing career has really taken off.”

Teresa: “Melissa, now you’re lying.  You’re career is in the toilet.  Go ahead, tell Andy what you and my brother have been doing.”

Melissa: “Andy, we moved to California so that I could be nearer to all of the other singers and actors.  Plus we had to get away from Teresa.”

Teresa: “Really Melissa!!!  If you won’t tell the truth, then I will.  You and my brother and Greggy are “performing” on Venice Beach.  Andy, she lip synchs to “On Display” while Joey and Greggy  dance around her half-naked.  I can sing, too. –  ‘It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all.  It’s a small, small world’.”

Caroline: “Are you singing about my family?  I’m warning you – stop right now.”

Teresa: “It was a joke Caroline. You know, cuz I’m funny. Ha ha.”

Kathy: “Teresa, that’s not nice.  Don’t pick on your brother and his wife.   Andy, you should see them.  They’re really good.  Richie is going out to see them.”

Andy: “Oh, that’s good to hear.  Are you going with him?”

Kathy: “No. He said he wanted to go see the Pacific Ocean and do some of his favorite things.  He just loves everything about the ocean, you know, diving and snorkeling and fishing.  He’s always quoting Luca Brasi from “The Godfather”, you know, how he “sleeps with the fishes”.  Yep, he says that the ocean reminds him of me.  He’s so sweet.”

Teresa: “Kathy, just be quiet.  Nobody asked you.  You and your stupid husband broke up my family.”

Kathy: “That’s not true.  You did.  Well, I did too, but Melissa helped me.  And Caroline.  And Jacqueline.”

Melissa: “Kathy, you’re not helping here.  Now, can we get back to me?  Where was I?  Oh right -Teresa, you don’t know anything about being a performance artist.  We have lots of people who love us.  In fact, we’ve got regularly scheduled appearances.”

Teresa: “Melissa, court dates don’t count. Trust me, I know.”

Melissa: “The only reason we have those court dates is because of you.  You told everybody that I was copying you, and you sent me a cyst and decease letter.”

Teresa: “Well, you were copying me. That’s all you ever do.  I wore false eyelashes way before you did.  You want to be me almost as much as you want to be JLo.”

Melissa: “But you had us arrested.  I do look like JLo, don’t I?  Well, I did, up until about 10 years ago.”

Teresa:  “No I didn’t and no you don’t.  A bunch of women called the cops because Joey and Greggy were pretending that Tarzan was a puppet who said dirty things.  Then you told the cops that Tarzan was your microphone.  That’s why you got arrested, liar.”

Melissa: “No, you’re the liar.  Just eggmit it. You’re wearing blue. That makes you a liar.  Leave Tarzan out of this.  Joey was full of poison and those women were helping him.”

Teresa: “Well, you’re the devil then.”

Melissa: “Why am I the devil? I’m not even wearing red.”

Teresa: “I don’t know.  I say that at every reunion.  I’ll just stick with liar then.”

Kathy: “I think I’ll make flounder for dinner, or maybe for dessert.  Richie just loves happy endings – and fish.”

Andy: “Uh, okay Kathy.  Teresa, speaking of court dates, how is Juicy doing?”

Teresa: “I have no idea.  I kind of lost track of him around 2013.   He was sentenced to 7 years on the fake driver’s license charge.  He called the woman judge the “c” word.  Then they gave him life when they found out that his brother Peter impersonated him in prison.  We’re divorced now, I think.  Maybe I’m married to Peter.  I’m not sure.  Anyway, we’re old school and it’s all about the family.  Who needs therapy when you have a good brother in law?”

Andy: “I’m afraid to say it but that doesn’t make any sense.  I guess I’m happy for you, or not.  Your girls are grown up now, right?  Are they doing okay?”

Teresa: “Yea, they’re great.  You should know Andy.  You’ve been working for Gia ever since she became President of Bravo.  Milania is all edumucated now.  She graduated from college early because she skipped high school.  I think she was too smart or she threatened the school board or something.  I don’t really remember, but she’s in the green room right now, writing prescriptions for Xanax.”

Andy: “I have to tell you, Bravo has never been better since Gia took over.  Your two younger daughters took over programming, and now women don’t look like jackholes any more.  By the way, thank them again for not firing me.  I give them a Mazel every night on WWHL.”

Teresa: “WWHL was cancelled in 2023, right after Gia took over.  You’ve been talking to a bartender in an empty clubhouse for four years.”

Caroline: “Andy, My boys are doing great, too.  How about a Mazel for them?”

Andy: “Why? What have they been doing?”

Caroline: “They’ve opened and closed eleven restaurants, started selling brown water and now strip at a car wash.”

Andy: “Well, that’s interesting.  So, they must be making a ton of money.”

Caroline: “No, no money yet.  They’re young.  Give it time.  They know that they have to concentrate on business.  They just haven’t figure out what they want to do when they grow up.  I told them to give up on the girlfriend idea because I’m never going like anybody they date.  Besides, they both just had lap band surgery and they’re not feeling well.”

Teresa: “Oh my God!  Again with the lap band.  No wonder that stripper car wash isn’t making any money.  You should buy my newest cookbook – Fit and Fabulicious after Forty.  I’m writing another one for old hags like you.  It’s called  How to Lose Blubber the Old School Way.”

Caroline: “I embrace my rolls of blubber.”

Teresa: “Yea, okay, Caroline.  Whatever.  Why don’t you tell Andy why that’s all you’re embracing.  What’s Albert doing?”

Caroline: “Albert is running the Brownstone.”

Teresa: “No, he’s moved into the Brownstone. Stop lying.”

Caroline: “He had to. He’s very busy.”

Teresa: ” Yea, busy trying to convince people that he lives there so you can get insurance from the State of New jersey.”

Caroline: ” Shut the f*** up!  I don’t even want to hear your voice.  I look at you and all I see is an ugly person.  Lies Andy – it’s all lies.  I’m done.  We were never friends.  I have no friends.  Really – none.  It’s just me and that singing grandkid.”

Teresa: “I’m ugly and your husband is living in an apartment over a catering hall.  Oh, that’s a good one.”

Andy: “Ladies, that enough. I think we better change topics before things really get ugly.  We haven’t heard from Jacqueline yet.  Jacqueline, what have the last few years been like for you?  Jacqueline…Jacqueline… Oh my God!  Is she alright?  Somebody check her pulse and make sure she’s alive.”

Caroline: “No she’s fine, Andy.  She just dozes off now and then.  I’ll take care of it.  JACQUELINE,  WAKE UP!  ANDY WANTS TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS!!”

Jacqueline : “I’m here.  Where’s my Xanax?  Is Kim D. here?  I have to tweet something to her – ‘hey, just woke up, DM me – #yourmutualfriend’.”

Andy: “No, Jacqueline.  Kim D. is in witness protection, along with Angelo.  Nobody’s seen them since 2014.  How are you doing?  Where are your kids now?”

Jacqueline: “The boys are living with their Uncle Jaime and his husband.  Ashley/Ashlee moved back home with me and Chris.”

Andy: “Gee, I’m sorry to hear that.  What happened?”

Jacqueline: “Well, Ashley/Ashlee came to visit about 10 or 11 years ago and I was teaching her how to cook.  I guess we left the stove on afterwards and went to light up a joint.  I struck a match and the whole house blew up from all of the gas.  Luckily the boys were out with Chris, managing the car wash.   DCF said that Chris had enough to do raising me and Ashley/Ashlee.  Now we’re living in the storage shed.”

Andy: “Aren’t you going to build a new house?”

Jacqueline: “Well, we were, but all of the insurance went to pay everybody who was suing us, so we’re making it work, out there in the shed.  I’m making curtains out of old copies of USWeekly and Life and Style magazines.  Anyway, it’s all Teresa’s fault.”

Teresa: “How is your house blowing up my fault?”

Jacqueline: “A mutual friend told me on Twitter that you told her that Ashley/Ashlee wasn’t a responsible adult.  I was showing her how to make one of YOUR recipes from one of  YOUR cookbooks and that’s how the gas got turned on in the first place.  I swear on the battery life of my iPhone 37 that you set me up.  I have it all saved on my Twitter account – screenshots and all.  Don’t make me use them.”

Caroline: “See Andy.  I told you those cookbooks were no good.  There’s all kinds of garbage in them.  Who writes a cookbook and then doesn’t tell people to turn off their gas stoves?  I think Teresa owes Jacqueline an apology.”

Teresa: “Yea, okay Caroline.  Whatever.  Hey Jacqueline, I’m sorry that you and Ashley/Ashlee don’t have enough brain power between you to turn off a stove without somebody telling you, now just go back to sleep or Twitter or something.   MILANIA, HURRY UP WITH THAT XANAX.”

Kathy: “My cannoli kits are available at Dollar General.  Ignore the expiration dates.  What the hell do you want for a dollar?”

Andy: “Hmm, alright, Kathy.  Thanks for that – I think.  So there you have it.  The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion extra special edition.  We won’t be back in another fifteen years.  Gia suggested that I retire and go into rehab.  Afterwards,  I’ll be chasing Anderson Cooper all over Bosnia.  I know we’re meant to be together.  He’s just playing hard to get.”

Hollering from off stage:  “HEY ANDY COHEN.   I’LL CUT YOUR F***ING TONGUE OUT IF YOU MESS WITH MY SISTER!  BUY HER F***ING CANNOLI KIT!  IT’S ONLY A LOUSY DOLLAR.”

Andy: “On that note, Mazel everybody.  Stay tuned for Masterpiece Theater, brought to you by Bravo.”

Gia: “C’mon Andy.  I’ll drive you home.”

Empress

Hey J, thanks for all 34.  😉