The Real Housewives of Miami – A Tale of Two Miamis

Two cast members from season one are gone. Kristy Rice and Larsa Pippen have moved on or just moved.  Larsa is now in Chicago with her husband Scottie.  The Chicago Bulls have hired him as team ambassador, which I guess means he gets to sit on the bench, look good and collect a paycheck.  Now, Scottie doesn’t like when people talk about his finances.  In fact, he has threatened to sue anyone.  Who mentions Scottie Pippen.  Along with the word “broke”.  In the same sentence.   I hope all of those unnecessary periods and nonsensical sentences keep me under his litigious radar.

We still have Lea Black, the unelected but real”Mayor of  Miami”, a title she just loves to flaunt, along with Adrianna deMoura, Alexia Echevarria, Marysol Patton and her mother Elsa, who is a seer, or a psychic or a witch.   I don’t normally comment on people’s appearances, but Elsa is a reminder of why I will leave my nose, lips and wrinkles undisturbed.  I don’t want anyone to say that my ear looks like a banana.

The new women are:

Joanna Krupa is a model who is engaged to Romain Zago, owner of the Mynt Lounge.  Joanna’s a supporter of PETA and has done some of their more controversial nude ads.  She told us that she has a problem with alcohol which she attributes to being Polish and, therefore, can’t help her cravings for vodka.   She has a younger sister, Marta, who she treated like a servant during a photo shoot.  She tells us that she isn’t a bitch and proved it by having a tantrum on the phone about being on the cover of “Ocean Drive” instead of an editorial shot.

Next we have Lisa Hochstein, who is married to Dr. Lenny, the “Boob God”.   Lisa refers to herself as a “Cuban Barbie” and is supposed to be a walking testimonial for her husband’s artistry.  As proof of his talent, he has sculpted two larger than life idols onto her chest.   Dr. Lenny is a repeat offender when it comes to Bravo.  He was one of the plastic surgeons who appeared in the doomed reality show “Miami Slice” a few years ago.  They have a maid, Daysy, and her bonus this year is going to be a breast lift, a tummy tuck and liposuction.  They own a home on Star Island, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

Then there’s Anna Quincones who is both a lawyer and a chef, and has a cookbook.  Another cookbook.  Anna and her soon to be, but not quite yet, he only moved out two years ago, but stops by the house to have dinner with his wife and children, and has a girlfriend, ex-husband, Robert is also a partner in their law firm.   I’m guessing that they don’t specialize in family law.

Finally, there’s Karent Sierra, who is described as the dentist to the stars, as well as a former hand model and spokesperson for Colgate toothpaste.  Karent has a boyfriend, Rodolfo Jimenez, who is telenovela star.  He  likes to talk about himself, his fans and bullfighters who eat bulls’ penises.  It doesn’t even phase him that Karent’s parents are eating breakfast and listening to his nonsense.   He’s going to be a problem.

We also learned that everybody wants to live on Star Island.  Star Island is a man-made island in Biscayne Bay and is one of the most exclusive areas in all of South Florida.  Lea was looking for a house there, but didn’t like the one she looked at because it smelled old and musty.  She wants to tear it down and build a new one.  She  also is worried about who her neighbors are going to be.  She’s already approved Rosie O’Donnell and P Diddy but the new people are bothering her.  They bought the house that she liked better, and she’s very curious about those new owners.  She’s going to meet them soon enough.

Marysol’s marriage to Philippe didn’t even make it one year.  He isn’t even mentioned in her Bravo bio.  Mama Elsa calls him the Frenchman and seems to be happy about the situation, already predicting Marysol’s next husband.  Mama hurt her daughter with her remarks and was told by the housekeeper, Mimi, to apologize.  In her defense, Mama had been suffering from the doldrums because her dog Napoleon was missing.  Mama was afraid to have her own phone number posted in case someone found Napoleon because there are so many perverts in Miami.  I think she’s met Aviva’s dad.  Napoleon was fine and had been home all along.  He had taken  a Xanax and crawled into a closet.  Xanax does seem to show up a lot on Bravo.  Even the dogs have to take it.  Mama and Marysol did make up, right after Elsa restored her energy by dipping into a mixture of giant dice, some sea shells and sand.  It’s got to be a witch thing.

Adriana is still telling everyone that she’s an art curator while her fiance, Frederick, refurbishes an antique wooden yacht for her to live aboard.  Maybe it’s just me, but when the love of your life is finding somewhere else for you to live, especially one that floats, I wouldn’t count on getting to the altar anytime soon.   She’s still best buddies with, and spy for, Lea.  That’s what’s really keeping her afloat in Miami society.

Alexia didn’t have a lot of time on camera during this episode.  Her son had been in a terrible accident that nearly cost him his life.  She has spent a great deal of time caring for him and it’s obvious that it has sobered her.

The women attended a wine tasting event, which gave them all an opportunity to size each other up.  Lea, with trumpets blaring, in her head, swooped in wearing an emerald green cape.  She gave Lisa a quick glance, a limp handshake and hug, and then dismissed her as unworthy of any more time.  That’s too bad, with them being neighbors and all.   Lea gave Mama Elsa a much warmer greeting, hollering “Mamacita” and smothering her in kisses.   There must have been something in that kiss, because just moments later, Mama Elsa swooned and keeled right over in a pile of satin caftan.   She was taken away in an ambulance as the other women looked on.  Lea was peering through the window of the vehicle, perhaps checking to see if the EMTs had detected any remnants of what had passed from her lips to Elsa’s.   During all of this commotion, Joanna and her sister kept drinking and fighting and crying.   Maybe they were supposed to have been the new members of the New Jersey cast and missed the exit off of I-95.

Getting back to that Rodolfo fellow.  He may be living with the dentist but he’s been texting the lawyer.  From the looks of the right hook being delivered in some future episode, somebody’s going to need the services of both of them.


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16 Responses to The Real Housewives of Miami – A Tale of Two Miamis

  1. I tried watching this during ‘the boycott”. They were all self centered, self serving, and self seeking. I think I’ll just read your recaps; they’re more entertaining!
    Have a beautiful day everyone!

    • windycitywondering1 says:

      I caught a rerun here and there and then their “live” low budget reunion in Andy’s clubhouse. I watched last night and even the previews of cat fights to come have put me in the same place – I will read the recaps because this crew is a migraine in the making.

      • wcw, The recaps are a migraine in the making! The Miami gals are one tough bunch. Even the two who are supposed to be professionals are more than willing to roll around in the mud over a soap opera star. It seems that the theme is boobs, botox, booze, bitches, brawls and, once in a while, beaches – the Bravo formula for disaster. I might have to limit my posts on Miami to an occasional visit, or risk joining Napoleon in the closet.

  2. thedesigndiva2 says:

    I decided awhile back NOT to take these HWS shows so seriously… I prefer to watch them as dark comedies !!!!
    Miami last night was weird… 1-2 minute segments !!! SUCKS..
    And once again the old …live on a yacht story…heard that last year about the baby grand and WIC…. Lea Black looks like SHIT !!! That’s one loud mouth BEEITCH…. Dont care for her or her asshat hubby ROY …..

  3. Vegas Chick says:

    I never watched Miama and almost bit this season. After the first 3 minutes, I decided to spare myself and shut, shut, shut it down. Thanks for taking one for the team, Empress… however, occasional sounds like a good plan to me and for especially for you.

  4. Kaereste says:

    I used to adore the RH shows and the ensuing chat. Now they bum me out. If I like a housewife she certainly going to be the object of onscreen ridicule and sometimes bullying. It just stresses me out because there is nothing about the shows for me to look forward to …. except visiting this blog and enjoying the musings of our Empress.

  5. melthehound says:

    Kaereste, said it best. The only good thing about these shows is the recap blogs. I haven’t seen the show yet but did watch last season. What a hot mess these people are. Did whatzername ever pay for her ticket to whatever that event was that became the big stink of the season? I don’t know why I just thought of that but for some reason, at this moment, that’s all that sticks out in my mind about the Miami franchise. How sad is that?

  6. catmom1 says:

    Great recap. Love your writing. I managed to make it through 10 minutes before I had to turn it off. Like others, I think I’ll just read the recaps only. I’m still wondering why Bravo chose to do a second season of this boring show and didn’t bother to do a second season of DC which I (and many others) really enjoyed. Makes no sense to me.

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