I’m going to type really fast to get through the icky parts of this episode.   Carole held a little dinner party she called the White Elephant Party – her version of a holiday gathering.  America’s sweetheart, George, was there and the guests exchanged Secret Santa gifts.  One of the gifts was a wine coaster which George said was a cock ring.  I think that only things large enough about George to need something that size are his ego and imagination.   Carole received a lizard which George said was a clitoris lizard, and Reid’s surprise was a ball gag.  Reid wore it on his forehead.   George should not attend any dinner where anyone other than his daughter and son-in-law are present.  The second thing I will get out of the way quickly was that Sonja showed up for her photo shoot and announced to everyone within earshot that it was her time of the month – and that she wanted a male assistant to fetch a tampon for her.  That’s it.  I finished that paragraph and I’m not proud of it.

Sonja was late for her toaster oven photo shoot.  Heather wasn’t happy because she’s a busy, busy woman and, in case you haven’t heard, everyone was working for free.  Okay, it’s always rude to be late.  To me it means that the people who are waiting for you don’t matter.  Having gotten that out of the way, Heather and her circle of experts were still pushing the naked guy holding the toaster oven idea.  There are a lot of male models in New York City, but, I have to tell you, I thought that this one should have been working for free.  I wouldn’t have bought a calendar featuring  this guy and his weird pecs, never mind a toaster oven.  I have to go off on a little tangent here about toaster ovens.  Are there still a lot of people buying these things anymore?  I want Sonja to be successful with her toaster oven venture, but I the last one I owned was when I was single and lived in a tiny apartment.  I made a lot of tuna melts with it.  Now that I think about it, I don’t even remember what was on the box – maybe a picture of it with some description of the features.  A half-naked model wouldn’t have determined my purchase, so I’m glad Sonja wanted to go with the photo featuring only her and the oven.  She photographs beautifully, by the way.

Carole had the ladies over to her apartment for lunch, to announce that she’d finished her book and to invite them all to St. Barts.  When more than two things are on the agenda, the ladies get confused and start to go a little crazy.    Carole offered to order pizza for lunch which went over like a lead balloon, or like LuAnn’s earrings.  She did have a bowl of personalized M&M’s with Sonja’s, Ramona’s and Heather’s businesses on them.  I didn’t hear anyone mention LuAnn or Aviva on those candies, but, then again, they don’t have businesses, or do anything that resembles work.    Aviva is hesitant about going to the island without Reid.  She also says that she’ll miss her kids.  LuAnn, who does know more than a little something about leaving one’s kids, tells her that it gets easier each and every time you do it.  So now we know what the Countess is good at and we know how well it’s working.  Aviva has more excuses for not going.  It’s a little island and it means that she’ll be on a big plane and a little plane and there’s water around and there are little boats.  The list of her phobias seems endless.  We all have fears.  Many of us have survived traumatic events.  This is a lot, though, and it all seems to have much more control over Aviva’s life than it should.  I hope she can find a way to move forward and live without some of those issues making decisions for her.

There was another party for the introduction of Ramona’s new red wine along with two magazines featuring her on their covers.   They were very air-brushed photos and some of the women thought that she looked more like Avery.  It’s never going to happen, but if some magazine wants to airbrush me to the point I look like a seventeen year old girl, I’m in.   I’ll wallpaper my entire house with that magazine.   Ramona was upset that Heather didn’t invite her to Sonja’s photo shoot.  She went all Ramonacoaster on Heather and then tried to drag Sonja into the middle of the argument.   Ramona makes me laugh and, normally, I just shake my head and watch her go into her crazy-eyed rants and forget about it.  This time I thought she needed to sim-mah-down-now.    She’d already given Sonja the help she needed and Sonja handled the photo session very well without her friend.  This seemed to be more about Ramona really disliking Heather than it did about her friend’s toaster oven pictures.

Okay, there’s still another party, this time at the home of a friend of Sonja’s.    Aviva thought this was the perfect opportunity to bring up the very old and very tired “let’s make a fool of Ramona” wine game with LuAnn and Jacques.  LuAnn tut-tutted Aviva’s criticisms as only a Countess can tut-tut.  I thought it also required a dismissive wave of the hand but what do I know, I’m no Countess.  Jacques took refuge from the discussion by playing the piano.  LuAnn and Jacques took their leave of the party which freed up the rest of the group to start discussing the couple.  It’s become an international incident, apparently, because even Jacques’ nationality and accent were questioned.  He can’t even pronounce jacuzzi for heaven’s sake.  If that isn’t proof that he isn’t really French, then I don’t what it is.

Everyone was on one side or the other or both, and the battles multiplied.  There were spies and double agents.  Ramona was eavesdropping on Heather.   Heather was eavesdropping on everyone else.  Heather was mad because they were talking about LuAnn and Jacques behind their backs.  Ramona was mad because Heather talks behind her back and lies.  Heather told Mario is wife is crazy.  Aviva told Heather that you can’t tell a man his wife is crazy.   She’s right. Mario already knows it and doesn’t need to be reminded.  It’s all more than a mere viewer, such as myself, can figure out.   Maybe Jacques is a spy. Maybe Homeland Security should look into all of these problems.   They should all be photographed, fingerprinted and investigated.  They are a real threat, not only to our country’s image, but, as soon as they arrive in St. Barts, we’re going to look like fools all over again.  There’s going to be a very little plane full of crazy coming at them.  Islands and New York Housewives haven’t worked out very well.

By the way, LuAnn actually was funny when she said that Ramona might be drinking her Pinot profits – typical mean LuAnn, but funny.  Avery was sweet with Ramona when they were trying to do yoga while Ramona just kept talking.  She knows and understands her Mom, that’s for sure.  I was also wondering why Heather insists on wearing t-shirts with glittery little messages on them.  I thought girls in junior high wore those. Maybe I just answered my own question.

Now where is Carole’s blog?   Carole Radziwill ‏@CaroleRadziwill

Hey guys…tweet to @BravoAndy about getting my blog up by 10pm. I sent it to them at 7pm. FIgure it out. Trend #whereisradzisblog??

When I see it, I’ll bring it over.

Here’s Aviva’s blog.  It’s a little, uh,  different and she’s been tweeting about it all day.

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-york-city/season-5/blogs/aviva-drescher/the-lizard-king

Bravo has finally gifted us with Carole’s blog.  She cleared up the M&M confusion.  Aviva and LuAnn did have their own – with a nod to the Countess’ smash hit, Chic, C’est la Vie.  Carole didn’t strike me as the type to not include everyone.

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-york-city/season-5/blogs/carole-radziwill/toast-toasting-and-toaster-oven

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