Oh, poor LuAnn’s not happy. Her unhappiness is self-inflicted, of course, because she just can’t stand the fact that Princess Radziwill is a fact and the Countess de Lesseps was Made in China – maybe by Ralph Lauren. It’s bothering her so much that she is going to great lengths to prove her elevated station by trying to beat Carole into the ground and declare herself the winner in the “who is more royal among the Housewives” competition. The only thing she didn’t take into consideration is that Carole has her outwitted, in the most literal sense.
First there was the car ride from the hotel on the way to a croquet match. Carole mentioned that her mother had five children. LuAnn countered with her mother bearing and raising 35 children – all of them only five years apart. That’s just how good LuAnn’s family is – hard to top that one. There are twins in Carole’s family. LuAnn’s gene pool allows for octuplets. Moving on to a simple game of croquet or croakie, as Sonja says it, LuAnn wants desperately to win this stupid game, but, sadly, it doesn’t happen. At dinner that evening, their last in London, Carole is talking about the process of writing and publishing a book. She had the audacity to compare it to childbirth – even saying that delivering a successful book was harder than delivering a baby. LuAnn has done both, maybe not the successful book part, but she’s an expert on babies and books, anyway. Carole hasn’t had a child so what does she know?
Watching this exchange, and during a few moments alone with LuAnn, even Heather is beginning to understand that the woman is not only humorless, particularly when it is directed at her, but doesn’t quite get a little sarcasm, either. She’s a prickly one alright – easily offended and never about to concede, even when concession is long overdue. The Countess would prefer that you talk about other people, like she does, and not about her, unless you’re lavishing praise upon her royal connections and superior cultural and social skills. When Heather mentions that she once was interested in gymnastics, well, you got it, so was LuAnn. Carole isn’t having it anymore and states that she did gymnastics, was on the softball team, the football team and the basketball team. What LuAnn hadn’t explained was what she meant by being involved in gymnastics. Given the fact that she’s about seven feet tall, she was the perfect size to be used as the balance beam.
Aviva and Ramona are seen in New York, planning the five-year anniversary party for Aviva and Reid – you know, the one that Sonja is also in charge of planning. The two ladies are at the Empire Room and seem to have most of the details under control. When Sonja does arrive at the venue, she arranges some flowers and tables, and breezes out, assistant in tow, to choose her evening attire. I think she might have been better off having stayed in New York, instead of going to London, working on the event, or her toaster oven cookbook, because this party was missing a lot of things. In fact, I don’t think it’s going to get her many future jobs.
When the guests arrive, there is alcohol, including Ramona’s Pinot Grigio, and a cake. Silverware and flatware were nowhere to be found. Then there is the band. The lead singer, who looks like the poor man’s Madonna, is confused about the music. From the stage, she addresses her concerns to Sonja, in front of the guests and on our televisions. There seems to be some question about the music and whether there was a rehearsal or whether the singer and the band have even met before. After some harsh words from the hapless event planner, the group does break into some song – intelligible, off-key and just a really bad choice all around. After the first disastrous tune is finished, the singer begins gyrating with a couple of male dancers. I think it was another failed attempt at imitating Madonna. It really didn’t matter anymore. LuAnn, and I hate to say this, did a better job with Natalie Cole than this crew did.
Heather did manage to give us some moments of pure comedy as she chased Ramona around the party trying to repair their broken relationship. I didn’t see a relationship to begin with, but Heather’s scurrying about did get under Ramona’s skin. Even Sonja knew better than to get in the middle of this one, choosing to watch it escalate until Ramona decided that she had to leave. LuAnn loved it, too, and told Heather that she was now on her team. Anyone who doesn’t like Ramona is good enough for her. For LuAnn, the enemy of my enemy is my friend and LuAnn has a lot of enemies. She may have found a friend in Heather.
As always, enjoy reading Carole’s blog: