Heather’s invited guests – Carole, Sonja and LuAnn – have finally arrived in London. Something must have happened on the red-eye flight. Maybe it was one of those monsters on the wing of the plane, like in that episode of “The Twilight Zone”. Whatever it was, it left LuAnn with a British accent which comes and goes depending how much she wants to irritate Carole. The reluctant princess has become a target of the ever so annoying and pretentious Countess. It’s too bad that they weren’t in England now. LuAnn could turn this into an Olympic event with extra points given for name-dropping and one-upmanship.
The ladies are strolling through Notting Hill, a lovely and affluent part of London’s West Side – and the home of Portobello Road, where, I might add, you can find one the best areas for shopping in the entire city. Carole talks about how she lived there for a while after her husband, Anthony died. LuAnn, not to be outdone by tales of widowhood and new romances, also talks about how she looked for a home in England. She can’t understand how she and Carole never knew each other, because their lives should have just naturally intersected. LuAnn even knows the Radziwills, for goodness sake. Maybe Carole was tied up with things like tumors and surgeries and chemotherapy to get the royalty thing right. None of that matters to LuAnn. Carole threatens her by just breathing. I’m kind of glad that the Countess ran into that “pricker bush”.
As this whole trip was about Heather’s business, her guests are required to attend a dinner party for all of the Yummies and Tummies from around the world. They are also required to participate in some sort of “let’s all introduce ourselves” nonsense. Carole is having none of it and rightfully compares it to an AA meeting. When it comes to her turn, she refuses to stand, but does say a few words. Now LuAnn seizes the moment, and decides she has to demonstrate how ladies to the manor born should comport themselves at such events. She jumps to her feet and offers a toast to undergarments and their makers. I bet that really stung Carole – that LuAnn showed her alright.
Sonja and Carole did manage to escape this little charade long enough to explore the ladies’ room, where there were some odd egg-shaped pods instead of bathroom stalls. Carole likens them to orgasmatrons, an idea that delights Sonja to no end. LuAnn would have been wise to follow them there. It sure would’ve beat her story about getting laid on a ping-pong table in the moonlight. Who said the Countess isn’t classy? Any girl would swoon at that opportunity for romance. She also might have been interested in the giant egg things – after all, Carole measured her and LuAnn is perfect proportioned for reproduction.
Back in New York, Sonja and Aviva are entertaining themselves by shopping for shoes. I guess Bravo thinks we didn’t get it the first 20 or 30 times it was mentioned, but Aviva has a prosthetic leg. What better way to send that message home than to have the woman try on shoes. Add in Ramona’s more than a little inappropriate fascination and you’ve got a real scene stealer. Ramona and Aviva also go out to dinner with their husbands, the premise being that they needed to have a quiet night out and get to know each other. The reality is that Ramona could complain some more about Heather and recruit some allies in the process. Aviva’s husband, Reid, took the bait, and declared Heather jealous of Ramona. See, that wasn’t so hard. Ramona will talk incessantly, you will finally surrender and she will nearly choke to death trying to talk, drink and breathe all at the same time.
I’d bet that Carole wishes she was back in New York right about now, maybe even shopping for shoes. Anything has to be better than listening to LuAnn talk about how the de Lesseps conquered London – and Warsaw. Well, maybe anything. The Countess of class is inspired by Heather – so much so that she is threatening to record another song – something about gangsta chic. We’re all a little excited now – LuAnn rapping. Priceless.
As always, enjoy reading:
Carole’s Blog: http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-york-city/season-5/blogs/carole-radziwill/lost-in-translation-sleep-depri
I enjoy seeing LuAnn CSBHH’s proper place finally being acknowledged. (besides Cat Ommanney’s public evisceration) I think we can now address her Lesser Highness of Bollocks as Loo (Remember, she now loves it when those of a high enough class address her as Loo). I find it shocking that she considered having a home in England…..It’s-so-not Paris, Monte Carlo, Milan or Gstaad.
While in London, she should have seized the shopping opportunity to bring back a chain mail suit, with a nice shiny suit of armour for outer wear. If she were to buy a copper or bronze variety, it would develop a beautiful patina. She already owns more than enough bedazzled jewelry to enhance and personalize the new fashion forward look. After all, it has been said that everything comes back into style eventually. Is she perfectly proportioned for the new look? She was certainly verbally jousted.
As we have suffered through her delusions as the modern day Amy Vanderbilt, perhaps, when her time comes she can arrange to be interred close to the late Ms. Vanderbilt. It may take some getting used to the idea, however. Ms. Vanderbilt, despite having been educated for a time in Switzerland, is buried in Brooklyn. 😳
I love your idea of the chain mail suit. Maybe now that she fancies herself an original gangsta, she could add Big Ben to her jewelry collection and sport it on a chain, a la Flavor Flav.
I can visualize it now….. Great idea on the accessory! If she would add Big Ben as a tiara (a la Jody, RHoV), we might not have to see her face when the sheer weight of it shifts it downward. I hope she keeps the chime, too….it can serve as a warning of her approach. 😉
LuLu is the only one of these people I find myself wanting to slap – repeatedly. Moreso even than Jillz.
Great writeup as usual Empress 😀
More than JZ? 😀 I can see that. Thanks for the chuckle.
Good Morning Empress, that was a great write up. I posted over in Chicago about Ramonas choking. I agree its from eating/drinking & talking at the same time. My favorite part was Mario never put his fork down, like a been there done that reaction. I am wild for Carol, her talking heads are hysterical & her blogs are must read stuff. The only HW blog I will read is hers. My favorite part about Carol is her zero tolerance for any BS from LuMann. I am with jeff, I just want to crack her in her face, over & over until I am as exhausted as I would be if I had sex on a ping pong table. Puh-leeze, big difference between being on a table as opposed to what I think really happened, being bent over the ping pong table. Hope you are well. I enjoy every single blog, even if I am not commenting. Have a great day, Lisa
Yep, Mario just slid that glass of water over towards Ramona and kept on eating his dinner – never broke a stride. LuAnn’s TMI ping-pong moment, among others, should have Victoria and Noel on a shrink’s couch for years. I’ll bet that story is a big hit among their friends.
I don’t know if LuAnn doesn’t like other women in general, or just those she perceives as competition. I think she’d make a very bad friend. If she’d played her cards right with Carole, she might have found that they have more in common than titles. Their childhoods sound very similar – but then again, LuAnn has reinvented herself and the first 25 years no longer exist.
You have a great one, too, Lisa.
Unable to meet Carole in Central Park to speechify in French & Italian, Pumpkinhead finally corners her in a limo to gift English on her.
I’m still shocked that Noel is failing French.
PS- Billiards is more impressive than ping-pong.
PSS – Empress, thank you for slumming on Bravo for us.
Pumpkinheads and pinheads – LuAnn could be either and both. 🙂
Re: billiards vs ping-pong; I guess it’s a matter of preference – pool cues or paddles.
Slumming is much easier now that LuAnn has been bested and busted.