Heather’s invited guests – Carole, Sonja and LuAnn – have finally arrived in London. Something must have happened on the red-eye flight. Maybe it was one of those monsters on the wing of the plane, like in that episode of “The Twilight Zone”. Whatever it was, it left LuAnn with a British accent which comes and goes depending how much she wants to irritate Carole. The reluctant princess has become a target of the ever so annoying and pretentious Countess. It’s too bad that they weren’t in England now. LuAnn could turn this into an Olympic event with extra points given for name-dropping and one-upmanship.
The ladies are strolling through Notting Hill, a lovely and affluent part of London’s West Side – and the home of Portobello Road, where, I might add, you can find one the best areas for shopping in the entire city. Carole talks about how she lived there for a while after her husband, Anthony died. LuAnn, not to be outdone by tales of widowhood and new romances, also talks about how she looked for a home in England. She can’t understand how she and Carole never knew each other, because their lives should have just naturally intersected. LuAnn even knows the Radziwills, for goodness sake. Maybe Carole was tied up with things like tumors and surgeries and chemotherapy to get the royalty thing right. None of that matters to LuAnn. Carole threatens her by just breathing. I’m kind of glad that the Countess ran into that “pricker bush”.
As this whole trip was about Heather’s business, her guests are required to attend a dinner party for all of the Yummies and Tummies from around the world. They are also required to participate in some sort of “let’s all introduce ourselves” nonsense. Carole is having none of it and rightfully compares it to an AA meeting. When it comes to her turn, she refuses to stand, but does say a few words. Now LuAnn seizes the moment, and decides she has to demonstrate how ladies to the manor born should comport themselves at such events. She jumps to her feet and offers a toast to undergarments and their makers. I bet that really stung Carole – that LuAnn showed her alright.
Sonja and Carole did manage to escape this little charade long enough to explore the ladies’ room, where there were some odd egg-shaped pods instead of bathroom stalls. Carole likens them to orgasmatrons, an idea that delights Sonja to no end. LuAnn would have been wise to follow them there. It sure would’ve beat her story about getting laid on a ping-pong table in the moonlight. Who said the Countess isn’t classy? Any girl would swoon at that opportunity for romance. She also might have been interested in the giant egg things – after all, Carole measured her and LuAnn is perfect proportioned for reproduction.
Back in New York, Sonja and Aviva are entertaining themselves by shopping for shoes. I guess Bravo thinks we didn’t get it the first 20 or 30 times it was mentioned, but Aviva has a prosthetic leg. What better way to send that message home than to have the woman try on shoes. Add in Ramona’s more than a little inappropriate fascination and you’ve got a real scene stealer. Ramona and Aviva also go out to dinner with their husbands, the premise being that they needed to have a quiet night out and get to know each other. The reality is that Ramona could complain some more about Heather and recruit some allies in the process. Aviva’s husband, Reid, took the bait, and declared Heather jealous of Ramona. See, that wasn’t so hard. Ramona will talk incessantly, you will finally surrender and she will nearly choke to death trying to talk, drink and breathe all at the same time.
I’d bet that Carole wishes she was back in New York right about now, maybe even shopping for shoes. Anything has to be better than listening to LuAnn talk about how the de Lesseps conquered London – and Warsaw. Well, maybe anything. The Countess of class is inspired by Heather – so much so that she is threatening to record another song – something about gangsta chic. We’re all a little excited now – LuAnn rapping. Priceless.
As always, enjoy reading: