Tamra is removing the last vestiges of her ex-husband, Simon by, cutting him off completely.  She had Dr. Terry remove skin from her finger where she had a tattoo of his name.  Before the very minor surgical procedure began, however, Tamra made a few trips to the bathroom because she was so nervous that her stomach would not, shall we say, just settle down.  I don’t remember all of these gastrointestinal problems when she had her breast implants removed, so maybe her ex really does still give her agita.  She says she’s doing it because Eddie won’t put a ring on her finger until it’s gone – so, now it’s gone – you’re good to go Eddie.

Well, maybe not yet, because at dinner, Tamra, who can cry at the drop of a hat lately, tells her beloved that she had the name removed for herself.  She couldn’t move forward until Simon was erased.  Eddie is overcome with emotion by her gesture – well, it makes him hot anyway.  He wants to take her into a backroom or something – I’m not sure because they were at some restaurant next to the railroad tracks and trains came by about every three minutes, so I may have gotten his horniness all wrong.  Anyway, the weeping Tamra is afraid to move forward now because she is worried about her kids.  She thinks that once Eddie moves in with them, he’ll realize that he’s bitten off more than he can chew and will run off with a twenty-something exotic hottie.  She might be right.

Now we have Slade, who, despite the fact that Gretchen’s Dad basically told him that he is a loser, wants to buy an engagement ring.  He’s brought Heather along for moral support, and, quite possibly, her checkbook.  The jeweler first shows them a ring valued at $250,000. OK.  The next one they peruse is a steal at only $37,000, give or take.  That’s still out of reach for Slade, so he asks the jeweler if they could replace the diamond with some Elmer’s glue, and that would give Slade time to save up for the real thing.   Even Heather realizes that the guy is nuts and, as gently as possible, suggests that a simple band would be just as meaningful, and certainly more affordable based on Slade’s paper route money and the allowance Gretchen gives him.

Alexis is holding a birthday party for her 4 year old twins.  It’s called “The Princesses, Puppies, Ponies and Pulmonary Embolism Party”.    Although it’s not quite on the same scale as perhaps a Taylor/Dana bash, it still has a lot going on.  Alexis is spray-tanned to within an inch of her life, and her daughters are having their eyeshadow, foundation and blush applied by professional makeup artists.  They have puppies from a local shelter and have hired all of the laid off princesses from Disneyland.  There’s even a horse drawn carriage right out of Cinderella.  The best part is Alexis’ moving and age appropriate speech to the guests.  All of the preschoolers and their Moms are riveted as Alexis relates every detail of her twins’ birth.  Nothing was left out – not the blood clots, not the Demerol, not even Alexis’ brush with death.  The only thing that could have made it better would have been if the rent-a-princesses had done a reenactment.  That would have wowed this crowd.

If we haven’t witnessed enough bloodletting, now we have Vicki going to Brianna’s house to hash things out.  Vicki is madder than a wet hen, still, over her daughter’s wedding.  Brianna is having none of it and pulls absolutely no punches.  In the middle of Vicki’s wailing about her disappointment and heartbreak over what her daughter has done to her, Brianna fires right back, and tells her mother exactly how she feels about the Brooks romance farce.  She lets her mother know that she doesn’t trust or respect this man, that her mother is being used by an opportunist.  Vicki’s response is to lash back at her daughter, telling Brianna that her new husband had no right to just run off and marry her without first asking Vicki.  Mrs. Culberson, as smart as ever, tells Mom that Brooks and his trail of misdeeds are everywhere on the internet.  Everyone but Vicki seems to know about Brooks.

Vicki tells her that she is happy with Brooks and that she has never been happy in her entire life.  Brianna asks her if that means that she was never happy with their real dad, or with Donn.  For a second, that actually left Vicki speechless, but she recovered, and told her daughter that she only thing she wanted was for Brianna and Michael to be happy, and to include Brooks.  Her daughter just wants her to figure herself out first, before she rushes headlong into a potentially disastrous relationship – you, know, like something a Mom would say to their children.  Brianna said that her Mom would probably have to live two separate lives – one with Brooks and one with her children, because Brooks was not going to be welcomed by her or her brother.  Vicki left, screaming “I love you” at her daughter.   This woman’s got a lot of work and decisions ahead of her.  Her daughter knows her all too well.

Oh, and if you’re interested, Jim Bellino is still interviewing himself on his blog.  You just can’t make this stuff up.

Empress