The Secret Service has gotten some bad press this week because of some shenanigans in South America.  I’ve been watching the news and reading articles, and now I realize that it’s all just a misunderstanding.   I make no secret of the fact that my primary source for the news comes by way of Comedy Central, so I turned to The Colbert Report and Stephen explained everything.  It turns out that all of us have been mislead or misinformed as to the relationship between the President of the United States and the Secret Service.  According to Mr. Colbert, it is actually the President’s job to protect the Secret Service.

The talking heads on a few of the networks had already pointed out that the President had failed by not keeping closer tabs on his security detail, but when Colbert offered his well reasoned analysis, I had no choice but to believe him.  Stephen is very smart, does a lot of research and has never lied to me.  He even provided a photoshopped depiction of how it should work, with the President throwing himself between two Agents,  saving them from any possible danger.  I like visual aids, and this particular one went a long way in supporting Stephen’s argument, and convincing me.

I was mistaken when I thought that the Secret Service was an elite group of law enforcement specialists, always at the ready to take a bullet in order to preserve democracy.  Quite the contrary.  They are just a fun loving bunch of folks, who, when the opportunity presents itself, can turn into something resembling the cast of an episode of “Men in Black Gone Wild”.   Who can blame them, really?  The stress of flying around the world, under the threat of imminent danger, must take a toll on them.   I can only imagine how tough that must be, so if they want to let off some steam with a couple of bottles of vodka and a few hookers, we are in no position to judge.

To add further evidence of just how fragile they are, the agency has released some new guidelines as to how their field trips should proceed in the future.  From now on, any of the Agents who would like to take some time to wind down and do a little carousing have to be accompanied by a chaperone.  Yep, that’s right.  A supervisor will follow the agents around to make sure that they are not taken advantage of by any more prostitutes or fall under the influence of alcohol peddlers.

That’s all well and good, but then Jon Stewart chimed in and got me all confused.   His report on the matter made me wonder if that supervisor/chaperone thing might not be such a good idea after all.  It seems that one of the supervisors who was in on Cartagena-gate was David Chaney.  Now Agent Chaney is not the most trustworthy guy.  In fact, he might be the last one who should be given any Agent babysitting duties.  It seems that Agent Chaney was once assigned to a detail that involved security for Sarah Palin when she was campaigning during the 2008 election cycle.   Chaney posted a picture of Palin and himself on his Facebook site – the Secret Service on Facebook, who knew? – along with a little comment about checkin’ Sarah Palin out.  This is how Stewart explained it:

“How the f*ck does a Secret Service guy have a Facebook page where he posts pictures of himself guarding political figures… What, are Secret Service guys on Foursquare too? “Hey, just checkin’ in at the President’s previously-undisclosed location!”

I think you now understand why I’m not so sure the chaperone idea is a good one, so  I’m proposing an alternative plan.  I think that the Agents should travel with their spouses.  Hell, I’d even put them on the payroll – maybe give each of them a title, something like Risk Manager.  I think it would solve a whole host of problems and end up being a win-win situation for everyone.  Just think what taxpayers would save on hotel rooms, insurance and those huge babysitting costs.  I’m thinking that it just has to be cheaper than the Secret Service guarding the Secret Service.  I know it would free up the President’s time for more important matters, instead of doing bed checks like some camp counselor.   It would guarantee that the little rascals didn’t stray into any dens of iniquity or into the arms of any more working girls.  They would be sober in the morning, ready to go to work, all the while ensuring that their marital relationships remain in tact.  It would also remove any appearance of the “fox in the henhouse” – something that is problematic with the chaperone notion.

I’m really considering sending this to the White House with a copy to Janet Napolitano.  I think that the Department of Homeland Security would welcome my ideas, and I want to do my part, as a good citizen, to ensure that we’re not embarrassed again.   Who knows, the President just might invite me to the Rose Garden for a beer summit.  I’d only have one request – that he’d allow me to bring Mr. Colbert Stephen along, you know, as a chaperone.

Empress