I have determined, that at least as far as it goes with these reunions, I have no will power.  I’m going to blame the pollen count, which has left me with sinuses that feel like someone has put Sakrete in my head, and resulted in my having the attention span of a gnat – perfect for watching the antics of these fine Southern Belles.   The Atlanta Six – Nene, Kim Z (- B), Sheree, Cynthia, Phaedra and Kandi are present and accounted for, and seem to be in their usual form – loaded for bear.

Before I give my take on this first part of this franchise’s reunions, I thought I’d offer my own analyses of the ladies.  Claritin is the suggested drug for watching any of these reunions, so I have upped my intake, and am now prepared to make some observations.  I think that the allergy medicine excuse works in absolving me of any personal responsibility for watching this in the first place.

I thought I’d start with Nene, simply because she is the loudest, and aside from the new football wife, the  Atlanta HW who most resembles a cartoon character.   If nothing else, Nene is an imposing figure.  The queen of The Talls is never at a loss for words, and she believes that the louder she is, the more correct her opinion must be.  She also has that hand gesture thing going and I think it’s supposed to help clarify whatever her particular grievance with the others is about.  Nene likes to tell us that she is a businesswoman and is very, very rich.  I don’t see what business acumen the woman possesses, but Nene has her own way of spinning things to suit her own view of herself and the world.   Call me crazy, but I have never had a career where a colleague has bought me shoes and jewelry as a part of any professional relationship.  I also don’t think they teach that at Wharton.

Next, we have Sheree, and she is another one who lives in some parallel universe.   On any given day, she is a clothing designer or a singer.  I think she is still looking for her very own Big Poppa, hoping that she will be whisked away to the lifestyle she so believes she deserves.  Now, not to take anything away from her, because she does present herself well.  I’m sure that it isn’t easy to hide sales tags on designer clothes, and then try to return them with some lame excuse as to why they didn’t meet her lofty standards.  She is still waiting for her castle in Buckhead to be completed, but it’s looking more and more like a sinkhole with each passing day.

Kim Z hyphenated B is a creature that can only be described as a product of some Marvel comic book illustrator.  I just might have to reconsider my assessment of Nene’s cartoon status, and declare a tie between the two former BFFs.  This has to be the laziest, most non-productive person on the planet.  I can’t help but cringe a little when I see her in scenes with Kroy, because she just looks like she has finally grabbed the brass ring – and the gold ring and the diamond ring.  He looks like a man who believes in marriage and family, but has no idea what he has gotten himself into yet.  Even Kim’s parents are inserting themselves into the storyline, just as desperate as their daughter for camera time.  When I saw that little commitment conversation between Big Poppa Zolciak and Kroy, I couldn’t help but think it might have been more useful if it had been directed at Kim around the time she developed her taste and talent for stealing other people’s  ice cream sandwiches in high school

Then there is Cynthia.  She did most of the work for me when she explained the level of intelligence it took to be a model.  She mentioned that a model needed to know how to get off of a plane, find a hotel, get to the job and feed herself.  That also goes for any 3rd grader who needs to wait at a bus stop, get off the bus at school and remember to carry his or her lunch box.  Her fashion school and her husband’s bar are barely treading water, and yet they throw $10,000 anniversary parties.  Maybe both of them would be more comfortable in the company of someone like Taylor, because they do seem to be following her business model.

Finally, we have Phaedra and Kandi, who, at the very least, have careers and seem to go to work somewhere, on a regular basis.   Compared to almost every other Houswewife on all of the franchises,  these two actually have redeeming qualities.  Using a Bravo scale of standards for Housewives, they are nowhere near the likes of the Countess Luann, Taylor Armstrong or any one of the members of the New Jersey cast.  Please don’t let that stop you from jumping in and pointing out anything I might have missed, however.

The reunion – oh my goodness.  There is no possible way I’m even trying to do a play by play for this.  Nene has adopted an attitude, even bigger than that chip she was carrying around before this season.   She, in her own mind, is now a star and is so above all of the petty nonsense in which all of  her cast mates engage.   She would like all of us to know that she is very rich, again, but the details of how or when she became so wealthy are not all that apparent.  We just have to take her word for it and we know that Nene is nothing if not true to her word.

To let us know the extent of her disgust with the other women, Nene rolled her eyes, made faces, did that whole talk to the hand thing, and both muttered and screamed at them, depending on which one she was addressing.  The woman’s lips never stop moving.  She saved her harshest criticism and obvious contempt for Kandi and, not surprisingly, Kim.  Kandi, from Nene’s perspective, is some sort of purveyor of all things evil by selling a line of sex toys.  I don’t think many of us really care what Kandi wants to sell, but Nene, the former stripper, has erased her own past and is only moments away from receiving both the Nobel Peace prize and an Academy Award.

Sheree, who I think was wearing lobsters on her feet, is blaming everyone for her financial malaise – Phaedra, her ex Bob, shady contractors – no one is without fault when it comes to Sheree’s version of things.  Have no fear, though, because she assures us that “She by Sheree” is still in the works, something that brought me enormous comfort.   Despite the fact that Sheree let her own deadbeat ex husband off the hook for 4 years, and that her new family attorney has gotten no closer to squeezing a dime out of him, Phaedra is the real problem.  She lost me there, but that’s Sheree.   I have to hand it to Phaedra for not just slapping Sheree with a restraining order while they sat there on Bravo’s couch of shame.

The rest just devolved into arguments about who was rich.  I tried to follow it, even rewinding to see if I had missed anything relevant.  I hadn’t.  Sheree managed to not only push the envelope, but explode the damn thing all over the venue by bringing up Bryson’s shoplifting charges – about as cheap a shot as one could take, even for a Bravo Housewife.  She was that desperate to get under Nene’s skin, and it worked.

One kernel of truth was delivered by Kim, however.  Kandi is worth more than all of them put together.   Last, but not least, Kim announced that she is going to have another insurance policy, sorry, baby, with Kroy.    We have two more hours of this to go, Marlo is going to make an appearance and I’m going to need more Claritin.

Celebrity Apprentice – Lisa Lampanelli

This isn’t a recap but just an observation about Lisa Lampanelli.  Aside from probably being one the most vile comedienne’s to ever take stage – in fact, I think she goes far beyond the warnings once issued by George Carlin –  I noticed something that I think speaks volumes about her character.  During last week’s episode, when Dayana was project manager, Lisa could not kiss her ass more, both during the task and in the boardroom in front of the Trumps.  This week, now that she is back in the leadership chair, Lisa, has turned into what we originally thought she was.   During the puppet show task, she was nothing but rude, disrespectful and dismissive of Dayana, again, and also managed to embarrass herself by parodying the Latin community.   For a woman who claims that she is a resourceful and savvy career woman, I, for one, believe that she is nothing better than what we have seen and endured during her performances.    That’s all I’ve got, and thanks for allowing me the rant.

Empress