Tamra shows up at Vicki’s for breakfast, following the painting party, and Vicki isn’t happy. She lights into Tamra about the new BFF thing with Gretchen, and Tamra assures her that she’s trying to put all of the past bad words, feelings, snide remarks, name-calling, spying, selling stories to the tabloids, gossiping and calling Slade’s ex-wife behind them. It’s a tall order but, then again, she did buy Gretchen a pink bracelet with a key, so, it’s all water under the bridge. Why can’t Vicki just understand that and move on? She’s dating her very own deadbeat, so just what is her problem?
Tamra has brought Vicki gifts from the sex shop in an effort to show her undying devotion and loyalty. Vicki does her “Vicki is shocked” face because she’s celibate or monogamous or something, and her children arrived by FedEx. When Tamra questions Vicki about her own new BFF, Alexis, the Vickster says that she loves Alexis. After all, Alexis has Jim and kids and everything that is beautiful. Vicki, as further proof of her true friendship with Alexis, says that the sex shop gifts are not biblical.
Heather meets Alexis for lunch, and Alexis tells Heather that she is a news anchor. Yes, that is correct – a news anchor. Heather asks her is she is more like Jillian Barberie or Katie Couric. Alexis mulls this over for a second because she isn’t going to let anyone fool with her and answers Jillian Barberie. Good answer. Alexis explains how busy her life is, you know with the kids, the nannies, the assistants and that exhausting anchoring gig, but says that Jim has the final say. This surprises Heather, but Alexis explains that Jim is really just looking out for her. It takes a village.
Apparently, Gretchen is not paying her head of Research & Development enough, because Slade has now realized that his true calling is standup comedy. His jokes are rehearsed in front his mother, whose facial expressions spoke for all of us. She thinks the dogs are more entertaining. After suffering through some of her son’s routine, Mom finally tells him that most comics have the desire very early on, not when they’re old. When he tells her that he thinks he wants to tour, his dear mother says that she should’ve been a harder critic. Mom is on a roll.
When he has finally put the woman through enough, Slade tells his Mom that he wants to propose to Gretchen. She quickly tells him “no, she’s your boss”. Slade is nonplussed and presses on, arguing his case. Mom finally says that it might be alright because the couple have worked out most of their problems and Gretchen doesn’t call him “tubba wubba” anymore. Maybe that could be written into their vows, or their lease agreement.
Having driven his mother from the house, Slade decides to tell Gretchen about his planned performance. It seems that he wants to include a little segment called “In the News” which is going to feature every OC Housewife who has ever dared to cross him. Knowing Slade’s history, this could take a good part of a weekend. Instead, he settles on his two arch enemies – Tamra and Vicki. He’s got visual aids and everything. Gretchen pleads with him to rethink it because it’s only going to mean more problems for her relationships with the other women, not to mention that Tamra may want the bracelet back.
Tamra and Eddie are walking the dog who has been forbidden from giving Eddie high-fives. They are also talking about moving in together. Well maybe they won’t. Then Tamra wants to be her own woman with her own business. Then Tamra says it’s all about her kids, because her daughter Sophie says there’s no more room in the family. Then Eddie says that he supports her, or maybe that he will support her. Eddie likes cheese. Tamra doesn’t and only eats chicken. Then Tamra cries. OK. That’s enough about them.
The night at the Improv arrives and it seems that Slade has expanded Gretchen’s role from that of mere hostess to stripper. Gretchen appears on stage wearing an Orange County prison jumpsuit, and when cued, she takes it off to reveal her bikini-clad body, while donning a tiara. In the front row, by the way, are Dr. Terry, Heather, Alexis and Jim, who has suspended his ban on cameras long enough to sit next to the plastic surgeon and his actress wife.
Gretchen introduces her beloved Slade with terms of endearment like douche and boy-toy. Slade does his own little strip show only to display a tee-shirt emblazoned with a target and the words “Housewife Hunter”. He says that he hunts at the mall and when he spots a particularly attractive target, he fires his, uh, little tiny pistol in her direction. In case we didn’t get the joke, Slade was good enough to demonstrate his skills and prowess with some enthusiastic pelvic thrusts. Did I mention that his mother is in the audience? She is filing parental divorce papers.
Oh, he doesn’t stop there and moves right into his Vicki/Tamra slideshow, with a number of very unflattering pictures of the two, lifted right from the tabloids. He says that Vicki looks like Miss Piggy and has been having her love tank filled for ten years by someone who is not her husband. Tamra is described as the new Michelin man. Heather leans over to Jim and asks him if their pictures would have been there had they not been in attendance. Jim is certain that they wouldn’t, and Alexis is still trying to figure out why the chicken crossed the road. Gretchen is madder than hell with Slade and their ride home is very, very bad.
Vicki goes out to dinner with her daughter, Briana and it isn’t the warmest occasion. There is obvious tension between them regarding the divorce and the new man in Mom’s life. Briana still feels deeply for Donn and hates that she is going to be the child of divorce, twice. She also manages to take a shot at her mother by asking how she got a cold sore/herpes. Vicki says that Donn and she will never get back together, and says that her marriage was loveless. Briana expresses her thoughts on marriage by saying that she doesn’t understand the point of it if everyone just ends up unhappy.
The conversation turns to Briana’s health, as her problems with tumors on her thyroid now mean that the thyroid is going to be removed. Briana is understandably scared, but Vicki doesn’t want to even hear the word cancer. Briana then reassures her mom, instead, telling her that even in the worst case scenario, she will be alright. So we had to wait through the full hour, and until a 24 year old appeared, to finally hear something real and important. Are any of us wondering why the girl eloped?
Jeez, Empress. Poor Briana! She’s the only interesting character in the show, and not b/c she is unwell, but because she’s the only adult.
You’re a brilliant writer. The recap started off as funny, then dwindled down to middle class insanity. This show is a trainwreck and I can’t even think of the details that would prove my point, like: speeding train/conductor made this mistake/ etc. Maybe it’s because every character is an out of control speeding train headed for who-knows-where, but they’ll all wind up crashing into one another in the end.
I can just see someone at Bravo looking over the production notes (or whatever) before filming. “Where’s the conflict?” someone asks. “We need more conflict.” What a f*cking mess.
Thanks for another great blog. V5, I agree with your assessment of Empress’s writing skills. Your writing is so enjoyable to read because, not only do you write with great intelligence and humor, there is a fluidity to it and a rhythm that just carries the reader along to the conclusion. It really is quite delightful. But I think it’s your humorous take on things that I enjoy the most; I always end up wearing a big grin reading your blog.
this post should read……Empress, your writing is so enjoyable……….
I didn’t realize until reading it now that it’s not at all clear.
Thanks for the recap – I really, really, really tried to watch the show, but didn’t get past Heather/Alexis lunching. Agree that Briana is interesting but she has to do scenes with her mother who is definately not interesting on any level.
Thank you Empress for sparing me the indignity of actually watching this cesspool! Lol your recap was hilarious. So….are you headed for your local healthcare clinic for some restorative elixir/post traumatic stress disorder preventative/or mayhap a bowel cleanser? I’m feeling a twinge of stomach acidity just contemplating tuning the tv to Bravo. Yes there are very few shows, dwindling rapidly, that cause me to go there! Your bravery is inspiring, and your scathing report of these tawdry RHOC broads did give me a bout of gut busting laughter. Ahh yes respite is at hand – “Revenge” tonight.
I had to take one of the dogs to the vet this morning and I think I got what I needed just sitting in the waiting room, filled with Macaws, cats, ferrets and dogs.
I’ve found that if I indulge in a brownie during the RHoOC I can survive their nonsense.
Yes – thank goodness for Revenge!
I was just about to type, “brownies you say”, when I looked at the bottom of my screen and saw the first line of Diva’s comment. Too funny.
I’m trying to email some to you and Diva. They’re double chocolate with walnuts – if you’re into brownies – it’s always go big or go home!
Empress…. I want the “special” brownies sent to me…wink
Thanks to the both of you, the DEA are going to be monitoring my blog.
DID I HEAR …”” BROWNIES “”……?????
Empress…after reading your post it dawned on me that I didnt really watch OC last night…. I was glancing half ass at it…BUT I did watch the Slade Shit Show….I would have lobbed canned tomoatoes at him for sure…heather has some chipmunck cheeks going on…She looked weird sitting at the table there next to Jim..Guess fireworks will be coming between Heather and Sarah soon…Was that sarah’s 61 yr old BIG POPPA that escorted her to the event ?? HAHAHAHAHA
Or maybe he was a loaner from her good friend A.Bravo…. really..her last name is bravo…she is ALLEGEDLY quite the character in Cal. with her antics…I am sure we will SOON be reading about her and Sarah….wink
Well have some house things to handle today…so Hi Ho Hi Ho..it’s off to work I go….
Hugs and Peace
Canned tomatoes…ouch that would hurt. He must have been really bad.
When I saw the pic of Heather at Lynn’s last week I thought she must have had cheek implants because, as you say, she has those chipmunk cheeks going on. I don’t think I’m going to like her but the truth is, at this point in time, I’m not really feeling it for any of these people.
Slade proved himself to be a spiteful, little girl behind the fake persona. Doesn’t he realize just how petty and low down he appears? Did he somehow believe in his petty, little girl mind that this would redeem him? I actually was embarrassed for him. No self-respecting male would ever engage in such small minded antics.However, he never professed to be self-respecting did he? I couldn’t RUN away fast enough!
Empress… DEA….. Diva’s Enforcement Agency…just checking the quality of your brownies MAM…LOL LOL
if you coulde see me now..I’d be giving you the side winder….LOL LOL LOL
LMAO! Revenge tonight!!!