The Real Housewives of Orange County – Southern Hospitality

Vicki’s party is in full swing now and all of the ladies have taken their places, although Vicki isn’t too happy with the place Tamra has chosen – near Gretchen.  Vicki has decided on a Cajun menu and these women are their usual crass selves, making comments and faces about the food they are being served.  The gumbo, according to Tamra, has Fritos in it.  The crawfish are served in “garbage bags” , and they are staring at the women and have erections.  Apparently, even crustaceans are not immune to the charms of these women.  I think that the women avoid any type of food that has more calories than a Lifesaver.  At least Alexis didn’t spit anything into a napkin this time.

After insulting the entire menu, save dessert, of course they move on to insult each other.  We are still getting an earful about the Peggy-Jim-Alexis love triangle.  Jealousy and competition abound as Peggy first talks about her 3 year old daughter’s broken arm.  When Peggy explains the pins that her daughter had in her arm, Alexis says “Oh, yea. Pins! Well, Jim had to have his leg reset and they had to dismantle the Eiffel Tower to make the rod and build his chin implant.”  I made that part up.

Peggy tries to talk to Alexis after the party, in the back of a limo – Bravo’s favorite confrontation venue, but Alexis is having none of it.  This looked a lot less like an attempt to rekindle a friendship and more like Peggy working some exit strategy from the Housewives.  I won’t miss Peggy because there is no story line without her Alexis rivalry.  I’m not getting all of the jealousy over Jim Bellino.  No one really knows what he does for a living.   He’s no George Clooney, or even Mauricio, and thinks women are still chained to the stove.  Let me take that back – he’s perfect for Bravo.

We are then invited to tour the fabulous life of newcomer Heather.  Her home is huge and is in an area she is happy to tell us is part of Billionaires’ Row.  In case we didn’t hear her the first 5 times, she is an actress and her husband is a plastic surgeon.  She also tells us that they are Jewish and feels out of place among the blonde shiksas.  Well, okay, to clarify, she explains that they are Jewish and Buddhist, or “BuJews”.  That is something I never read about in my Comparative Religion class.

Gretchen is doing a photo shoot for a Breast Cancer charity that will feature one of her handbags and both of her breasts.  I have to say, the woman does have a lovely body and the pictures were actually quite beautiful.  She also tells us that Slade is doing Research and Development, meaning he tries on her new makeup and spray tans.  Then she reminds us that the bottom line is Slade is her bitch.  Try that line on your significant other and let me know how it works out for you.

Our two newly free women of Coto de Caza, Tamra and Vicki, are going to Catalina Island with their respective beaus, Eddie and Brooks.  Vicki tells us that they are going to stay at a one of the island’s beautiful bed and “breakfastses” (see Teresa Giudice for spelling). We see Vicki tell Brooks, on the phone what to pack, while in her talking head she tells us that Brooks would never put up with her telling him how to do anything because he’s a strong man.   In the limo ride, she tells Tamra and Eddie how much she hates the fact that Brooks wears Crocs and that she bought every piece of clothing he is wearing.   Tamra agrees that Crocs are gross while she trims Eddie’s nose and ear hairs.  Oh, and Eddie is flatulent.

The foursome board the boat that will take them over to Catalina and decide to do tequila shots.  They have a debate over the order in which the shots are consumed, with the final consensus being “Lick it, slam it, suck it”.  I think we all know that this is not going to go well.   Brooks tries to give Vicki a kiss but is rebuffed because she doesn’t like public displays of affection.  She also explains that she told Brooks that she wants their relationship to be celibate.  I think we agree with Tamra that she meant monogamous.

Vicki decides it would be fun to flirt with Eddie and Eddie goes long with it.  It looked like a lot of very drunken and harmless silliness to me,  but Tamra isn’t liking it at all.  She, in turn, decides it is cute to place Brooks’ hand on her breast.  That didn’t look harmless or silly, but it sure looked drunk.  Tamra did tell us, a long time ago, that she really is “a truck drivers with t*ts.”  Only Tamra can’t figure out why no one else found that funny.

Just as an aside, last week I mentioned that Jim Bellino had started a blog in order to give his version of the Housewives from the sidelines.  This week he made a less than vague reference to Russell Armstrong’s death and how it may have been, at least in part, due to the cameras and the criticism from viewers.   I have some thoughts about his motives and his message.   I get the feeling that he holds himself in very high regard.  I have posted the link so that you could make up your own minds.

The Millionaire Matchmaker Valentine’s Day WWHL Special

I know all of you were glued to your televisions to hear Patti Stanger dispense her advice  as Bravo’s favorite love guru – well at least until the premiere of “Love Broker”.  Nothing says Valentine’s Day romance like Patti giving her “no sex before monogamy” spiel while pointing to various orifices that should be avoided until that whole commitment thing happens.  Andy, despite the fact that Patti has insulted just about everything he represents, seems to enjoy her company. Maybe he just enjoys being abused.

Now, I will admit that I’ve never really cared about Valentine’s Day.  There is much ado about the flowers and candy and jewelry that many have come to expect as a sign of their loved ones’ devotion.  Every kiss and every Karat begins with Kay.  It’s not that I am not a hopeless romantic.  I guess that I just don’t understand a designated day for it.  I like it when I send my husband off to run an errand and he comes back with a copy of a book that I have mentioned.  I am touched when he brings home a new pair of riding gloves, simply because mine are threadbare and it’s a Wednesday in October.

Patti doesn’t appear to me to be a woman who has ever really known how important and wonderful those simple gestures are.  She screams about BJs and diamonds, much like a very good friend of hers from New York.  I prefer the little moments when, while cleaning my house and playing my favorite music, my husband will dance with me in the middle of the dining room.   Patti measures a suitor’s worth by how her “gifts” are rewarded with baubles.  I’ll take the kiss on the back of my neck while I’m preparing dinner.


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12 Responses to The Real Housewives of Orange County – Southern Hospitality

  1. Viewer 5 says:

    Hi Empress – thanks for recapping rhooc b/c I made it through 20 minutes of the season premiere before deleting on DVR. I don’t think these rhve’s shows are going to be on much longer than three years, maximum.
    I don’t watch Patti; just can’t. It would be fun if her matches ever stayed together, but they don’t, and she is kind of obnoxious. I can take obnoxious, but not really repetitive, uncreative obnoxiousness. It’s boring.
    I hope you have a great day… love the Emperor comment. It really is the small things and the little kindnesses, thoughtfulness, and gestures. Hats off. The Emperor has a beautiful suit of clothing.

  2. windycitywondering1 says:

    It is probably just me but I have this feeling that Tamara and Vicki will not remain friends this season. Tamara’s truce with Gretchen and her welcoming Heather feel like sides are being drawn up and Vicki is too busy being in love and divorcing Done to see it coming. IMO, these women have been together too long and they are past their expiration date.

  3. catnapper says:

    I really enjoy your sense of humor and appreciate your sharing. You nailed Patti purrrfectly. I would expect Jim would like his ‘lil wifey barefoot and pregnant while tied to the stove.EWWWWWWWWWW! Something is off about that guy.

  4. Designdiva says:

    Great Blog Empress.. I do not watch OC at 9…I am a RINGER fan… So I caught it in repeat at 1 a.m. BLAH….. If I remember to watch it okay..if bigger
    It their voices I cant handle..that tone…. cant cotton to any of them
    Gretchen..what can I say… She will be a lonely old and see.
    Vicki…what a……..I give her and BROOKS till the end of this year and he will skeedaddle on down the road…watch and see
    Heather…. she may be RICH but something off…. watch and see
    Tamra… WELL… she keeps looking for love in all the wrong places….. and whats with Eddie..He looks like he has aged 10 years in one season….. He will NEVER marry Tamra…give them till the end of the year also..
    Peggy..she never really bothered me nor did Lynn Curtin..they are what they are…GONE…

    So..tonite we have REVENGE….YEA…finally something good to watch….
    then tomorrow..the last of the BH bullshit parade…but not the last of TIT…..Soon her parade if LIES will be coming to an and see…..winks

    and in closing….Today is a sad day here at Diva’s and Mr Fords.
    Our beloved 13 yr old black Lab Bubba has passed away.. He was a GREAT FRIEND in every sense of the word and my COMRADE..He protected our home , our hearts, and even our little grand daughter when she was small.. He let the neighborhood know in no uncertain terms were you to even think about coming near her. It was too cute… He provided us with many years of laughter and stories that we will hold dear to our hearts and in our memory bank for many many years..Bubba was mu gift to Mr Ford for his 50th Beeday..He says it was by far the best gift he ever recieved from me …well except for PITA and on certain days we do question that …LOL LOL LOL
    It has been a very anguish filled few days here waiting and Bubba’s wife was by his side…His daughter DD chose to hide these past few days but at the end she came and gave him a “lick/kiss” on his nose… I can see the sadness in their eyes and realize that even they hurt as we do..
    If only humans could be like our animals and live their lives with such unconditional love..
    To my Bubba…Thank you for all your unconditional love and all the years of love and joy…I shall cherish them always….

    • Our critters are our best teachers. Love to you, Mr. Ford and the 4 legged family. Well, I guess you already know how I feel about your dear Bubba.

      • Designdiva says:

        Empress…YES I DO KNOW… and we here at DIVA Central THANK YOU for your comforting words of guidance last night into to the wee hours.. Without friends helpful words and thoughts the journey would have been much tougher I beleive…
        An act of kindness on your part that will definetly be paid forward…
        So far 2012 SUCKS…. I have not cried this much in ages over love lost….

        Hugs and Peace

    • Deco says:

      Oh DIVA,
      I am so sorry. There are no words to express how sorry I am for the loss of Bubba. I know the love our canine friends give us unconditionally. It breaks my heart that you and Mr Ford are suffering from this loss.
      I’m sending prayers and good vibes your way.. I will give my best buddies extra attention tonight…and remain grateful for what they in turn give me.

    • tuzentswurth says:

      Very sad and sorry for your loss of your wonderful companion. It is a very tough time to endure, losing a pet is heartbreaking every time but each one of mine has been worth it every time. I wish you comfort in the difficult days ahead.

  5. It came to my attention this morning that the entire last paragraph of my recap of RHoOC regarding Jim Bellino’s blog appeared in his comments section. As I am not in the habit of dragging my posts onto others’ sites, obviously it was put there by someone else. The who or why will remain a mystery. I just wanted to assure you that I did not copy and paste it there.

    • Adgirl says:

      Don’t you just hate it that you even have to “say” that?! We all know that you play nice.

      • I just didn’t want anyone to be left with the impression that I go around the blogosphere like some depraved pixie, scattering bits and pieces of my posts all over the place for attention. Thank you for the vote of confidence, though, and the understanding that I have enough to do just keeping my own barn clean.

  6. Donna says:

    I watch the food network channel, I believe it is the custom down south to “dump” the contents in the middle of the table and everyone shares… Too bad Bravo didn’t just serve it up on giant platters instead of bags…

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