Vicki’s party is in full swing now and all of the ladies have taken their places, although Vicki isn’t too happy with the place Tamra has chosen – near Gretchen.  Vicki has decided on a Cajun menu and these women are their usual crass selves, making comments and faces about the food they are being served.  The gumbo, according to Tamra, has Fritos in it.  The crawfish are served in “garbage bags” , and they are staring at the women and have erections.  Apparently, even crustaceans are not immune to the charms of these women.  I think that the women avoid any type of food that has more calories than a Lifesaver.  At least Alexis didn’t spit anything into a napkin this time.

After insulting the entire menu, save dessert, of course they move on to insult each other.  We are still getting an earful about the Peggy-Jim-Alexis love triangle.  Jealousy and competition abound as Peggy first talks about her 3 year old daughter’s broken arm.  When Peggy explains the pins that her daughter had in her arm, Alexis says “Oh, yea. Pins! Well, Jim had to have his leg reset and they had to dismantle the Eiffel Tower to make the rod and build his chin implant.”  I made that part up.

Peggy tries to talk to Alexis after the party, in the back of a limo – Bravo’s favorite confrontation venue, but Alexis is having none of it.  This looked a lot less like an attempt to rekindle a friendship and more like Peggy working some exit strategy from the Housewives.  I won’t miss Peggy because there is no story line without her Alexis rivalry.  I’m not getting all of the jealousy over Jim Bellino.  No one really knows what he does for a living.   He’s no George Clooney, or even Mauricio, and thinks women are still chained to the stove.  Let me take that back – he’s perfect for Bravo.

We are then invited to tour the fabulous life of newcomer Heather.  Her home is huge and is in an area she is happy to tell us is part of Billionaires’ Row.  In case we didn’t hear her the first 5 times, she is an actress and her husband is a plastic surgeon.  She also tells us that they are Jewish and feels out of place among the blonde shiksas.  Well, okay, to clarify, she explains that they are Jewish and Buddhist, or “BuJews”.  That is something I never read about in my Comparative Religion class.

Gretchen is doing a photo shoot for a Breast Cancer charity that will feature one of her handbags and both of her breasts.  I have to say, the woman does have a lovely body and the pictures were actually quite beautiful.  She also tells us that Slade is doing Research and Development, meaning he tries on her new makeup and spray tans.  Then she reminds us that the bottom line is Slade is her bitch.  Try that line on your significant other and let me know how it works out for you.

Our two newly free women of Coto de Caza, Tamra and Vicki, are going to Catalina Island with their respective beaus, Eddie and Brooks.  Vicki tells us that they are going to stay at a one of the island’s beautiful bed and “breakfastses” (see Teresa Giudice for spelling). We see Vicki tell Brooks, on the phone what to pack, while in her talking head she tells us that Brooks would never put up with her telling him how to do anything because he’s a strong man.   In the limo ride, she tells Tamra and Eddie how much she hates the fact that Brooks wears Crocs and that she bought every piece of clothing he is wearing.   Tamra agrees that Crocs are gross while she trims Eddie’s nose and ear hairs.  Oh, and Eddie is flatulent.

The foursome board the boat that will take them over to Catalina and decide to do tequila shots.  They have a debate over the order in which the shots are consumed, with the final consensus being “Lick it, slam it, suck it”.  I think we all know that this is not going to go well.   Brooks tries to give Vicki a kiss but is rebuffed because she doesn’t like public displays of affection.  She also explains that she told Brooks that she wants their relationship to be celibate.  I think we agree with Tamra that she meant monogamous.

Vicki decides it would be fun to flirt with Eddie and Eddie goes long with it.  It looked like a lot of very drunken and harmless silliness to me,  but Tamra isn’t liking it at all.  She, in turn, decides it is cute to place Brooks’ hand on her breast.  That didn’t look harmless or silly, but it sure looked drunk.  Tamra did tell us, a long time ago, that she really is “a truck drivers with t*ts.”  Only Tamra can’t figure out why no one else found that funny.

Just as an aside, last week I mentioned that Jim Bellino had started a blog in order to give his version of the Housewives from the sidelines.  This week he made a less than vague reference to Russell Armstrong’s death and how it may have been, at least in part, due to the cameras and the criticism from viewers.   I have some thoughts about his motives and his message.   I get the feeling that he holds himself in very high regard.  I have posted the link so that you could make up your own minds.  http://jimbellino.com/2012/02/14/the-attempted-assassination-of-my-character/

The Millionaire Matchmaker Valentine’s Day WWHL Special

I know all of you were glued to your televisions to hear Patti Stanger dispense her advice  as Bravo’s favorite love guru – well at least until the premiere of “Love Broker”.  Nothing says Valentine’s Day romance like Patti giving her “no sex before monogamy” spiel while pointing to various orifices that should be avoided until that whole commitment thing happens.  Andy, despite the fact that Patti has insulted just about everything he represents, seems to enjoy her company. Maybe he just enjoys being abused.

Now, I will admit that I’ve never really cared about Valentine’s Day.  There is much ado about the flowers and candy and jewelry that many have come to expect as a sign of their loved ones’ devotion.  Every kiss and every Karat begins with Kay.  It’s not that I am not a hopeless romantic.  I guess that I just don’t understand a designated day for it.  I like it when I send my husband off to run an errand and he comes back with a copy of a book that I have mentioned.  I am touched when he brings home a new pair of riding gloves, simply because mine are threadbare and it’s a Wednesday in October.

Patti doesn’t appear to me to be a woman who has ever really known how important and wonderful those simple gestures are.  She screams about BJs and diamonds, much like a very good friend of hers from New York.  I prefer the little moments when, while cleaning my house and playing my favorite music, my husband will dance with me in the middle of the dining room.   Patti measures a suitor’s worth by how her “gifts” are rewarded with baubles.  I’ll take the kiss on the back of my neck while I’m preparing dinner.

Empress