Superbowl XLVI will be played tonight with a matchup of the New England Patriots versus the New York Giants. It is an important event with last year’s game drawing a viewership of 111,000,000 – and that was just in the United States. That number made it the most watched television program in history. I know, personally, that it holds great importance because our local stores are having a run on nachos, beer and chicken wings. Ticket prices have seen a 15% drop however, with the average ticket going for a measly $3,420. The most expensive seats are located in Section 114, Row 5 and they are $10,589. I don’t know why – maybe they’re closest to the restrooms. By the way, there is still a suite available for $445,000.
Now, for as long as we have known each other, my husband has attempted to explain this game of football to me. For the same amount of time, I have pretended to be listening. I do think that I have learned some things about it, in spite of myself.
First, though, I have to comment on football fashion. Fans of football wear some very interesting outfits. I have seen some of these people place wedges of cheese on their heads, which serves as both a symbol of your team loyalty while also providing a snack. You’re not supposed to bring you own food inside the stadium, so you can smuggle things in by making it appear to be a part of your clothing. The most amazing sight, however, is the men who paint their faces and bare torsos in their team’s colors. I actually watched a game a few years back where this was done at a Patriot’s game, during a blizzard, when the windchill was measured in negative numbers. I understand that those fans could not be removed from their seats until Spring, when they had thawed enough to be taken away without shattering into a million pieces.
The players are also working some odd fashions of their own. Their pants are very form fitting, something that enhances my viewing pleasure. The fit of their jerseys confounds me a little because something is not right with their shoulders. I don’t know what’s going on under there, but their shoulders look about as wide and as natural as Taylor’s lips.
The players all have positions that seem to named after their body parts. There are defensive ends, offensive ends and tight ends – the last one I kind of understand (please refer to my comment above about uniform pants). Then there are players whose positions are obvious references to those oversized shoulder issues I mentioned. These men are running backs, quarter backs, half backs and full backs. I don’t know, they all seem the same to me.
The game itself is not as easy for me to follow. The two rival gangs line up on yard lines, looking pretty angry. One player passes the ball to another by trying to sneak it between his legs, so that no one else knows where it is. I think they should try something different because they’re not fooling anybody any more. Then the ball is thrown and the teams run into each other and crash and fall to the ground, often in massive heaps. Announcers then tell us whether they have had a successful “down”. From where I am sitting, it always looks successful. They have crashed and fallen down. I get it. They do it over and over. Frankly, if I was a player, I would get the message pretty quickly – get knocked down and stay down, because they’re only going to crash into you again. Scores are given during the talent portion. The players who can run the ball the fastest to the goal are given higher scores than the guys who can kick the ball through the goalposts.
Also on the field are the referees. They are there to ensure that the players don’t play too roughly or break the rules. Yea, like that’s working. The refs wear striped shirts to differentiate them from the players so that they are not run over by these human bulldozers. When things go really badly, the referees will throw a flag into the air meaning that they have surrendered and don’t want to get hurt. I don’t blame them, because no one is safe on that field. Sports reporters and cameramen have been flattened by these charging behemoths. Hell, even Janet Jackson didn’t survive unscathed and the only person near her was Justin Timberlake.
These games go on for a very long time. I have learned that there is football time and real time. Football games are played in four quarters with a game clock of one hour. In actuality, a football minute translates into three to four real minutes. Add in a halftime show, commercial breaks and a tie requiring overtime, and you’re into another day.
So there you have it. This is my version of the game of football. I will watch the Superbowl along with everyone else, not that I have any options on any other television station. Marlo and Sheree aren’t even trying to compete. My husband will try, again, to patiently explain what is happening. I will smile and nod and assure him that, yes, it makes complete sense. I don’t think he’s buying my nonsense anymore, but I have to hand it to him for persistence. In the meantime, I will be waiting for what I think is the real rivalry – the E*Trade baby versus the Budweiser Clydesdales.
Empress
realhousewifeofaiken 
Lovely post, Empress. You are so funny. One of my (many) favorite lines is “When things go really badly, the referees will throw a flag into the air meaning that they have surrendered and don’t want to get hurt.” I don’t really enjoy football, but I do appreciate the fans, and the energy they provide the team while playing. (I think this is easier to observe/hear in baseball b/c, like, the stadium is smaller. And stuff.)
One of my old employers (ad/branding firm) used to have superbowl ads on way back in the 90’s. None of us peons really had TV’s, (poor/slaving nyr’s) so some of us would scoot to a bar to watch. Those bar fans are crazy. And drunk.
I still like to watch the ads, and being a fan of Eminem (the new Bob Dylan; the only successor to Bob Dylan, in my never-humble opinion) I loved the Chrysler 200 ad last year. And I guess I’m looking fwd. to Madonna’s half-time show. But I still get confused by football. So many weird rules. Plus, they’re scrambling, and then they’re lying on top of one another, and then suddenly, the other team gets the ball. The action is *always* confusing to me, and I don’t understand the rules. But like all sporting events, an exciting game is an exciting game. When players play their hearts out, we can feel it. Superbowl Sunday (and sports) ignores every divide I can think of (save region!) in our funny, great, oddly divided, geographically isolated country.
I think I have a self-inflicted mental block when it comes to understanding how football is played. Even with that, though, I also enjoy watching the Superbowl for the same reasons you mentioned.
I am a fan of women’s college basketball, particularly UCONN’s Lady Huskies and the New York Yankees. My problem with living in the South, however, is that our local television stations don’t share my enthusiasm.
Basketball moves too fast for me. I have seen my niece play (vicious!) games. So fast! I like baseball World Series games. I think it’s more my pace. 🙂
Good morning all,
It seems to me you have a very good grasp of football. Not having any testosterone in or household, we will be skipping the show. We may turn into the puppy bowl on Animal Planet. Thanks for the laugh this morning Empress!
Thank you for the laugh this morning Empress. M/y husband have come to an agreement on sports. He watches and I do something else. It works for us. I may pretend to watch a little today, but it’s promising to be sunny and warm (for winter) and I hope to be outside enjoying myself.
I enjoyed your post very much. I can’t wait until my son comes over and reads it.
Eons ago when I moved into my house with dirt road. There is a small woods in back of my house. Little did I know that the apartments by my road and behind the woods were drugged filled.
To combat this influence on my young sons I immediately enrolled them in Little League Baseball, Little League Football, and swimming lessons at the Y. Anything to keep them out of the neighborhood. They also were in sports in Jr. & Sr. High School. Wrestling, Gymnastics, Baseball, & Football.
They carried out this same tradition with their sons and daughter by coaching their football, baseball games. (granddaughter was cheerleader). I did offer to pay for piano lessons for her but she didn’t want to.
My youngest grandson is a senior in high school and is receiving a sports scholarship.
My son is now a paid referee, umpire for high school games.
Oh my I am using a lot of my’s. The neighborhood is no longer raging with drugs!
Donna – what a gorgeous story.
Thank you.
Donna, Thanks for sharing that terrific story. I also hope that your son enjoys my point of view on the game of football.
Go Steelers! Oops. I meant Go Niners! LOL. I’m not watching today. Plus, I hate Madonna.
LOL! Apparently Elton John shares your feelings about Madonna.
Hi Empress.
I think we went to the same football school. Great blog.
I’ve been having a problem linking to your blog. Adgirl is helping me with that.
Today is V5’s birthday. Thought you’d like to know.
Go 49ers!!!! just kidding
Thanks, doll. Hope you are having a lovely day. It’s cool here, and breezy. Delicious.
xo
V5
Addy… you are so funny.
Very funny blog, I lost it here…”I think they should try something different because they’re not fooling anybody any more.” Happy Birthday V5. I agree with Adgirl, needs to be about the Steelers.
Congratulations to all of the Giants fans. As I said, I enjoy the commercials, and despite my having named my picks in my post, I am awarding my MVP to Weego, the Bud Light rescue dog.
it was really funny when Weego rolled the keg out, good times!
Happy Birthday V5!!!!!!!!
As a NY Giants fan, I’m feeling good right now. Somehow, the Giants pulled it off & won the Super Bowl. Wow. (Sorry Nancy, I really hope the great SF 49’s win next year!). There are fireworks going off in my neighborhood right now, here in NJ land!
Empress football is really fun to watch when you understand the game. When they get the ball, the offense has 4 tries to go 10 yards. That’s 1st down (= attempt), 2nd down, 3rd down, then 4th down. So when you see on the screen or hear the announcer say “3rd & 11” that means it’s the 3rd down, 11 yards to go. Cause sometimes instead of going forward, the ball goes back behind the line of scrimmage, like when the quarterback gets sacked & there’s a loss of yards. Anyhoo, by 4th down the offense usually decides to punt the ball, since they will lose it if they don’t advance 10 yards from where they started. So as long as the offense is able to keep getting the down, they keep the ball. If a touchdown is scored (or a field goal), then the offense lines up to kickoff the ball to the other team. If the offense cannot get the 10 yards (the down) then the offense has to punt the ball. That’s the basics.
This game was a classic, so close & some real nail biter (for me) passes. Even in the final seconds of the game, the Patriots could have won…but Brady’s long passes – 2 of them – were dropped by his receivers. Incredible.
I learned to love football in college, when my school’s team went to the Rose Bowl twice (back in the ’80’s). Plus the basketball team went to the final four…what a fun time that was! My son played football in high school for 4 years. They never had a winning season, but they sure worked hard & never gave up. True grit. I’ve learned the most about football from my son, over the years. It was hilarious to go to the games & realize that out of almost all the moms, I was only one that knew what was happening on the field lol.
What did you think of Madonna’s performance? She looks amazing. Her songs are not my faves. Eminem would have been way better IMO!
bs1f,
I appreciate your input and comments. My husband keeps telling my that he’s going to get me a “Football For Dummies” book. I think I need it.
Madonna does work very hard to look phenomenal but I’ve never been a fan. I also didn’t care for Eminem when he first came onto the scene. He has a new kind of maturity now and I think I’m actually starting to like him.
Hi BSK – I think you would like to know that I saw someone land beyond the yellow line of scrimmage (?) last night, and informed my friend (on the phone) “Someone just made a touchdown. Why aren’t they cheering more?” 😀
There is only one Madonna. History will be very good to her. I adore Eminem, and hope the future will be very good to him.
I love those yellow lines. It was so hard watching my son’s games, without instant replay & all the close ups, wide angles etc. on tv. I never really enjoyed going to the Giants/Jets stadium to watch a game until they built the new one (crazy that they tore down the old one & built the new one so fast, at the Meadowlands). I’ve only seen one game there, but it was awesome. There are these huge screens, which replay the action, so you don’t miss a thing. And get the great vibe from being in the stadium, with everyone cheering. If you have ever seen a Madden xbox game (my son played it constantly to learn the game better, the coaches even recommended it) the new stadium is just like what’s on that game. Instead of a spread out bowl, the bleachers/seating are more vertical. So you get a better view of the game than in the old stadium. I have to admit, I’ve only seen games from a box. In the old stadium, the box was up high & the view of the field was terrible, it was so far away. That was a corporate box. What can I say, I have some awesome friends! In the stadium, I was in one of the owner’s boxes. On the 50 yard line, right behind where the player’s family sit. It was one heck of an adventure! We got to park in Lot A, where the players park. The cars those guys drive….very rich! Everyone was being so nice to us as we went into the stadium. Lol, finally realized it was because of our tickets.
V5, my perception of Madonna is influenced by people that actually know her thru work. You are right, she will always be loved. She is tiny in person, much smaller than you would expect. The same is true of JZ & Beyonce….they are so much smaller than how they look on tv. I was in an elevator once with them, in NYC. JZ is really nice, he talked to me, and I am a nobody lol. Beyonce only looked at JZ, she was in her own world. At the time I had no clue who they really were. Not the type to ask for autographs or pictures.
Empress, this blog is an absolute delight! I laughed nearly all the way through. Thank you – I needed that! I am not a football fan, but I am a fan of witty humor and yours is brilliant.
This might be one of those things I read over and over…the sneaky pass between the legs is my favorite part!
🙂