I sure hope that Secretary of State Clinton has some free time soon.  We are going to need a lot of help rebuilding some countries’ trust in Americans.  Bravo has decided that the ladies of Atlanta should destroy all relations with  go on a trip to South Africa.  It isn’t enough that we are still in talks with Italy, Morocco and the Dominican Republic, trying to repair damage inflicted by the Housewives of New York and New Jersey.  Now we are letting Nene and company loose in a country that has had more than its share of unwanted visitors.

Let’s begin with the luggage situation.  Like all good Housewives, this group packs enough clothing, shoes, handbags and accessories to fill a floor of Neiman-Marcus.  It is a ten day trip, so the rule of thumb must be a piece of luggage per day, per person.  It doesn’t matter what the climate is like, or what the activities are going to be, these women are ready for anything.

Also, true to the formula of  a Bravo-planned excursion, there are alliances and blow ups.  The Atlanta bunch has teamed up in the battle of the Smalls vs. the Talls.  Obviously there is a size category in the Atlanta franchise that I was unaware of.   This week’s bout features Marlo and Sheree and it is all about a party.  Sheree is going to dinner at a friend’s house and invites only Phaedra and Kandi.  Well, that was predictable.   Not getting invited to some event or another is always cause for a row.  If it’s not about the lack of an invitation, then the rumble will take place during whatever occasion the Houswives are attending and supposed to be celebrating.  We’ve seen it all, from christenings to Christmas dinners.  The only thing left is to have a fight during a funeral, but with Phaedra’s new business plans – well, the ladies may come full circle.   I’ll get back to the fight in a second.

The ladies settle into their penthouse suites, after arguing over bathrooms and bedroom sizes.  Oh, and Marlo wants  names, addresses and  photo IDs for the housekeeping staff  – just in case, you know.  Marlo, your roots are showing.  Suites are determined by the Smalls vs. Talls criteria.   A sunset cruise on a yacht turns into a “let’s air our issues” moment.  Much of their business is carried out in the salon of the boat, which made me wonder why they just didn’t stay in their hotel rooms given the time they actually spent enjoying the views from the deck.

Cynthia is the messenger who can’t wait to flit from room to room reporting on every word by the Smalls back to the Talls.   I’m beginning to understand why Peter is her ideal man.  Marlo, who has flipped the switch from the designated Miss Manners to the ultimate street fighter, wants to confront Sheree  – Marlo style.  This fight is particularly ugly, but I don’t find Marlo to be a pretty woman, either inside or out.  She is a tough, take no prisoners type of gal, something her rap sheet already revealed.  She also has a very ugly mouth.  During this altercation, she drops the “f” bomb.  No, not that one.  The one that is going to have Andy all over her bought and paid for a%$ during the reunion.

Sheree and Marlo are screaming, cursing, trash talking and making competing accusations about how each makes, or doesn’t make, their money.  Sheree is yapping about Marlo f***ing 80 year old men and Marlo is reciprocating by inferring that Sheree was seen doing nefarious things at a club called Onyx.   When words fail them, they resort to imitating the grebe – I won’t make you look it up, it is a bird related to the loon, known for its loud, piercing call.  Nene tries to referee, but her efforts have little effect.   Phedra is powdering her nose while doing play by plays, and Cynthia is silent, feigning both innocence and shock at the scene she, in fact, instigated.

Back in Atlanta, we see Kim trying to adjust to life without Kroy who is away at football camp for a month.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but she almost looks like a real housewife.  Maybe I’m still reeling from the mess over in Cape Town and I’m not thinking clearly.  Sweetie is still Kim’s assistant, although we know that they parted ways at some point.  No one has been clear if she was fired or just got fed up.  Maybe someone loaned her a copy of “The Help” and she started baking pies.

Kim’s parents show up to make dinner, because four females cannot feed themselves without assistance, or maybe because Mr. Z is still looking for his 15 minutes.   He gives his “I’m so proud of you speech” to his daughter and brings up Big Poppa.  Honestly, can any of us ever imagine any other father openly discussing their daughter’s 10 year relationship with a married millionaire?   The marriage proposal question is brought up.  Well, not really the proposal question – the Mommy’s getting a diamond question.  Kim is Kim.

There is more next week. We’ve been warned.

Bravo’s New Applicant Questionnaire

It seems that Bravo has added a few questions to its application for new cast members.  I think that they are worth mentioning.

One reads as follows:  “Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor or had a restraining order issues against you?”

I don’t know if that is meant to repair Bravo’s reputation or guarantee you a place next to Any at the Reunion.

The second one asks: “Have you ever done anything that would cause the program producers and/or the cable network or affiliates any embarrassment or monetary loss?”

I get the monetary loss part, but just how, exactly, could anyone or anything cause embarrassment for Bravo at this point?

The third one that deserves mentioning is with regard to the disclosure of plastic surgery an applicant has had or would consider having.  I think Andy added that one.

Empress