The Real Housewives of New York City – Fireworks

Before they took their road show to the Hamptons, the ladies had some business to deal with in the city.  Ramona hired a photographer to take picture of herself with the family dog, Coco, which was to be made into a calendar for Avery’s dorm room.  I’m sure Avery is thrilled to tears.  Sonja happened to stop by with her new dog, Marley, who shared a glass of water with her mistress.  Sonja had an entire law firm camping out at her house, trying to find a few bucks to keep a roof over her head.   She has big plans for the future including some new business ventures.  It sounds like the toaster oven idea has gone to appliance heaven because now Sonja is talking about producing a line of shirts and taking her Caburlesque routine to Europe.  Ramona, not unlike Harry, and just about every one else in Sonja’s life, would just like to see her concentrate on one thing and work at keeping her house.

Heather and Jonathan met with a hearing specialist and Jax went through a series of tests to determine the likelihood that surgery may restore some of his hearing.   This kid has been through a lot in his short life and his parents are devoting everything they have to make him better, even when the odds are against them.   There’s nothing about Heather that could be criticized during this episode.  She and her family are amazing and loving human beings.

Kristen and Aviva took their kids for a play date to make soap, of all things.  Kristen wants to know that she’d like to be friends with Aviva but doesn’t want to be in the middle of the ghostwriter debate.  Aviva shut her down, telling her that she didn’t want to hear any negativity in front of the children.  In case Kristen didn’t understand the first warning, Aviva told her to “shut the f** up”  in front of the children.   Aviva is single-handedly redefining the meaning of crazy.

Kristen Is Shocked

Everyone’s went off to the Hamptons for the Fourth of July.  Heather and her family rented a house and Carole met up with them there.   Carole wanted to talk about Aviva but Heather, who was waiting for a call from Jax’s doctor, didn’t want to hear about it.  She turned the conversation to where it should have gone – the concerns over a little boy facing a lifetime of challenges.  She cried to Carole, telling her that she would be happy if she could just fix one thing for him and surgery on his ears could be that one thing.   She also said, in her talking head, that Carole needs to stop obsessing over the book.  I think all of us echoed an “amen” for that.  The doctor called Heather and delivered the good news, that Jax was good candidate for the surgery with a good prognosis, to boot.Carole Radziwill, Heather Thomson

Ramona and Mario were at their house in the Hanptons, playing tennis with LuAnn and Jacques, when Josh and Kristen arrived.  The overly controlling Ramona has a fit over the couples lack of proper tennis footwear.   Kristen talked to Ramona about Heather’s party and Ramona’s decision to be a no-show.  Ramona doesn’t care for Kristen having the audacity to question her.  She tells Kristen that it’s none of her business, and she should just sit down and look pretty.   Both of them call the other a hypocrite and another weekend in the Hamptons is off to a great start.

Ramona held a dinner party for the entire group.  Having just come off the high from her beat-down with Kristen, she was ready to confront Sonja and her financial problems.   Ramona heard that Sonja’s burlesque act was raunchy – the Countess was there and confirmed that it was.  LuAnn is very good at carrying stories and getting in the middle of things that really aren’t her business.   Sonja got upset with Ramona and told her that she’s not a good friend to her.  She said that Ramona couldn’t handle a day in her life and has no idea what kinds of things she goes through all the time.   Aviva joined them to try to make peace between them, reminding them they’re good friends, sisters even, and that this too shall pass.  Ramona and Sonja hugged and kissed, and things did look just the tiniest bit better between them.   Meanwhile, Mario and Heather were talking about golf and cheating.  Mario said that the best cheaters are the ones who get away with it – in every sense of the word.  Not the smartest thing he could have said on camera and within earshot of Ramona.

Finally, there was a clambake at a house that Aviva borrowed from a friend.  This made Kristen very happy, because that was also the name of an Elvis movie.  Carole and Mario are demonstrating different gestures and using Italian terms, all of which translate to “F**k you”.  Aviva interrupts to drag Carole off for another conversation about, what else, the damned book.   Aviva started by setting the ground rules for the discussion including what words and terms were verboten.  Then it was time to argue about ghostwriters and editors and Bill Whitworth.  My eyes didn’t start to twitch this week – instead they began to close, because I’d already come to terms with and resolved this issue in my head weeks ago.  Nonetheless, they go on and on in the same circular argument, with neither of them really getting any closer to resolution than they had before.Aviva Drescher, Carole Radziwill

Heather joined them, trying to get the two to stop the nonsense, to no avail.  Then LuAnn dropped by, literally.  She fell on Carole’s ankle while trying to sit down.  Her attempts at peace didn’t work, either.  When LuAnn and Heather gave up and left, Aviva told Carole that she’d read Carole’s new book, which surprised Carole, as it hadn’t been released yet.  Aviva said that she got a galley copy from her friends in the industry.  She then told Carole how wonderful the book was, what a great writer she is, yada, yada, yada.   I don’t know if I would have trusted this new and improved Aviva, full of nothing but kind words and glowing reviews.  Don’t pet the snake.  They’re known for shedding their skin.

Carole was recording the audio version of her book.  Good thing it was caught on camera or there might have been accusations that Bill Whitworth sounds just like her.

Oh, and this was the second week without Amanda.  Nice.

Empress

 

 

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The Bravo Housewives’ Fight Club – Porsha Versus Kenya

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion FIght: Porsha Attacks Kenya

BravoTV got exactly what they’d hoped for  last night.  By promoting the fight between Porsha Williams and Kenya Moore, ratings for The Real Housewives of Atlanta were the best they’ve been in a longtime.   It also served to show viewers, once again, that if you hire a group of women with diminished capacity and poor impulse control, mix in some production hijinks and allow Andy Cohen to host another reunion there’s sure to be some type of disaster.

Porsha Williams is what one might call intellectually incurious.  She’s proven time and again that she doesn’t grasp even the simplest concepts.   What she did learn during her time at Bravo was that the most important thing is to bring the drama.   She and Kenya have brought a lot of the drama this season, accusing each other of all sorts of things – some may be true, some not so much.   Last night it all came to a head and Porsha physically attacked Kenya, pulling her hair and dragging her to the ground.  Kenya pushed her buttons, poking and prodding until the silly girl became completely unglued.

When the two were separated, Kenya walked away but Porsha just sort of flopped around on the floor, flailing about and crying over the fact that she let Kenya get to her.  She said she was embarrassed – not that she was sorry, mind you, just embarrassed.   That was about all she could say because by then Nene had reached her side and firmly clamped her hand over Porsha’s mouth in what must be Nene’s way of helping her to understand her Miranda rights.

Since the reunion was filmed, Porsha was arrested for assault.  Kenya had called the police immediately after the attack, a warrant was issued and Porsha turned herself in to the Atlanta P.D. last week.   Porsha, however, still doesn’t seem to understand exactly what she did wrong.  She posed for a mug shot in full makeup and has been sending out tweets about her new recording.   Did I mention that I think she’s dumb?   Maybe someone should sit her down and explain what she did that day and how it isn’t the way people are supposed to behave.  She assaulted Kenya.  She put her hands on another person and attempted to cause bodily injury, intentionally.  It’s inexcusable and it’s indefensible.   She doesn’t get to hurt anyone, no matter what was said to her or what was waved in her face.  She got up off of the couch and, instead of taking a right turn and walking off the set, she took a left and attacked her cast mate.

Now, this type of behavior happens all the time on Bravo’s shows.  Almost every franchise has had some sort of event where someone has been assaulted.  It could be argued that they encourage it, but that would also mean that the parties involved have no self-control or sense of right and wrong.   I’m not going to give Porsha that excuse, though.   She may not be the brightest bulb, but surely she knows that you don’t go around hitting and grabbing people.  At least, I hope she does.   She showed us that, since words are not her friends, she turns to physical violence.  A civilized society, with rules and laws,  requires more than that, and she may have to learn about how to conduct herself in the future the hard way.

Porsha was removed from the set of the reunion and told not to come back for the remainder of the filming.  At least Bravo got that part right.   In a preview for part 2 of the reunion, Andy, looking earnestly at the camera, tells us that Bravo doesn’t condone violence.  That’s just laughable.  It’s also been rumored that Porsha has been fired.  Is it’s true and the firing is based on this incident, then Bravo and Andy aren’t just disingenuous, they’re liars.  Half of the casts of these franchises would be on the unemployment lines if that was actually Bravo’s stance on violence.  It really doesn’t matter, though, because there will always be someone ready and willing to put on the boxing gloves and roll around in the muddy wasteland of Bravo TV.  They may even end up in handcuffs, too.

Empress

 

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Mad Men – Time Zones

The cast of AMC'S Mad Men.

It’s January, 1969, and Richard Nixon has become President of the United States.  The dawning of the Age of Aquarius is turning to dusk and the country is still going through some turbulent times.  It was a year that saw not only a new president who would leave office in shame four years later, but also bed-ins starring John and Yoko.  The Summer of 1969 gave us Woodstock, a gathering of the best musicians of the times and one which has never been equaled, either in influence or magnitude of talent.  Sorry,  Coachella fans – just Google the line-up for Woodstock and then we’ll talk about it.   We also saw tragedy that Summer, when Charles Manson and his cult followers terrorized Los Angeles by murdering everyone at the home of Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski as well as the LaBiancas.  The year ended with the music festival at Altamont, when the Hell’s Angels wiped out all of the peace and love from Woodstock with a knife attack.  All of this serves as the backdrop and chronological co-star for this season of Mad Men.

When Don Draper spent Thanksgiving with his kids and showed them the whorehouse he grew up in, it looked like he’d turned a corner.  Instead, his lifetime of self-serving deception has become a very hard habit to break.  He’s living two lives on two coasts, telling Megan that he has to leave their home in Los Angeles to go to work, while spending his days in New York feeding his best advertising ideas to Freddie.   Those that are left behind at SC&P are feeling the loss of his presence, whether they’re willing to admit it or not.

Roger is engaging in orgies, answering phone calls from his daughter while wearing nothing more than a rotary phone.  His daughter wants to have lunch with him so they can talk.  They haven’t talked in a while, ever since he refused to give her the money for her and her husband’s questionable start-up company.  When they do talk, she tells him that she accepts his apology for forcing her to ask for the money.  Roger isn’t clear as to why he should apologize for anything that took place, so he doesn’t, willing only to agree to move forward.

Those that really need Don back are Peggy and Joan.  His replacement, Lou Avery is a throwback, a Neanderthal who doesn’t see that the women at SC&P have evolved beyond their traditional roles as secretaries and copy girls.  When Peggy presents a far superior idea for Accutron watches, Lou shoots it down for one that sounds like every other timepiece advertisement.   Calling his idea mediocre is being kind – it’s a complete failure.  He doesn’t even take the time to break it to her gently,  Instead he laughs at the thought of her having any ideas at all.   Joan is having difficulties with a potential client who wants to promote women’s shoes, but he’d rather meet with Ken Cosgrove, who has gotten very cranky, even throwing an earring at Joan.  While Don may be an absolute boor in his personal relationship with the women in his life, he was the one who supported Joan and Peggy, pushing them to do more and to do it better.  Peggy’s only ally seems to be Stan, her best friend.  I think we’d all feel better if they’d just admit how much they like each other and move in together.  She could certainly use some help with being a landlord.  Pete Campbell seems to have adapted to his life on the West coast with relative ease.  He’s sporting the really awful fashions of the late ’60′s and enjoying being single.  Or, he’s just fooling himself and us with his new-found flair and cavalier attitude.

There’s been a lot of discussion about how Matt Weiner intends to wrap up this, the seventh and final season of  Mad Men.  Viewers have debated whether he’ll kill off one or more major characters, including Don.  I don’t see any reason to kill Don.  He’s been dead, at least on the inside, since he changed his name.  He’s destroyed every relationship he’s been in, neither of his wives really care about him and his children, especially Sally,  will need therapy well into adulthood.   The problem is that Don doesn’t like or even know himself.  His dual existence has become a part of him, making it even harder to distinguish Don Draper from Dick Whitman.  Killing him isn’t necessary – it would be, well, overkill.

The most annoying thing about Weiner is that he has a tendency to throw teaser-type signs  to the viewers and we’re left with all sorts of theories wondering if the clues are red flags or red herrings.  Because Mad Men has always had a sense of gloom, one of the most compelling or maddening theories that have been tossed about are in regard to Megan and the specter of Sharon Tate.  He’s move Megan to Los Angeles, to the Canyon where she lives in isolation, far from the city lights.  The only sounds she hears are the howls of the coyotes.  She’s auditioning for  a part in “Bracken’s World”, an NBC show that was created by Dorothy Kingsely, who co-wrote the screenplay for “Vally of the Dolls.”   There have been several episodes where we’ve been given these types of nods to Tate and Manson, and they may just be coincidence.  Or not.  That isn’t to say that Megan is going to die the same way Tate and her friends did.  It may all be just a game Weiner enjoys playing with us.  Either way, it’s creepy, even ghoulish, but Don Draper has been circling Hell for a long time, so anything’s possible in his world.

Empress

 

 

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The Real Housewives of New York City – Unhappy Anniversary

Ramona’s back from Africa and she’s just full of stories about lions having quickies.   She and the group are at another charity event featuring jewelry designed by a friend of Heather’s.  Sonja is running late and Aviva isn’t there – also by design.   Heather begins to fill Ramona in on all of the Aviva/Carole drama and Ramona, who has found inner peace during her trip, wants Heather to meet with Aviva to see if the two can mend their very broken fences.  Heather isn’t so sure that anything good will come from a meeting and she really doesn’t want Aviva at her 10th anniversary party, and who could blame her?  She had originally invited Aviva, then uninvited her.   LuAnn is in attendance, wearing another set of coasters on her ears and is still keeping company with Jacques.  She’s shocked by  Ramona’s tale of the king of the jungle’s sexual activities and wants us to know that what happens in Africa should stay in Africa.  From what’s about to happen, maybe Ramona should have stayed in Africa.

Ramona, Sonja and Aviva are shopping at The Container Store and now it’s Aviva’s turn to argue her side of the story to Ramona.  Ramona, still channeling the Dalai Lama, tells Aviva that she should talk with Heather one on one.  Heather is holding a Yummie Tummie photo shoot with Kristen modeling leggings when Ramona calls. Ramona still thinks Heather should get together with Aviva and puts the conversation on speaker so that Aviva can pipe in when necessary.  The two own finally agree to speak, probably so Ramona will stop interfering.  They don’t know the depths of Ramona’s type of interference.

Ep 6: Unhappy Anniversary

Heather meets with Aviva and it goes pretty much as we expected it would.  Aviva starts rattling off everything anyone has ever called her and a few things she just made up for good measure.  She also repeats that Carole and Heather “verbally raped her” and adds “she took it up the butt.”   Where does she come up with this stuff?  It wasn’t that good the first time, so there really isn’t any reason to repeat it, other than for Aviva to continue her role as victim.   She also tells Heather she’s “deeply, deeply hurt”  and asks Heather if she has any idea why.  Aviva asks this over and over “Do you know why?”  “Well, do you?”  “Do you want to know?”, “Do you?” – until Heather finally tells her she’s being dramatic, to get a job and calls her Miss Vassar.  Aviva, in her talking head, points out the “stay at home mom” jab, hoping none of us remember that she has called Carole old, and insinuated that the writer is an outcast among the Kennedy clan.  I guess those comments don’t count and anyway – so what, Aviva?  Heather says that she doesn’t really like Aviva all that much and asks her if she gives a shit about her.  Aviva says she does.  Heather then says she was outraged about the comments Aviva made about Carole.  Aviva then asks Heather if she and Carole are lovers.  What is this woman talking about?  This sounded a lot like Kelly Bensimon asking Bethenny and Ramona if they were going to make out, tongues and all, on Scary Island.  She wants Heather to understand that Carole’s book is like having babies, or something, and says that Carole’s comments were akin to asking a new mother if she’d had natural childbirth or a Cesarean.  My right eye is starting to twitch.  Some sort of loose truce is brokered between them and Aviva asks Heather if she’ll help to mend things for her with Carole.  Heather tells Aviva she can come to the anniversary party.

A couple of scenes gave us a tiny break from all of the fighting, until more fighting started.  The first was with Carole, Kristen and Jonathan, Heather’s husband.  The three of them met to sample caviar because as Jonathan tells it, “Caviar is foreplay for Heather.”   They also share a little naughty talk about threesomes and pick out what they hope is the perfect caviar for Heather.  Ramona also had a few moments to lament the fact that her daughter is going off to college.  She tells Avery that she should have a job and Avery says that she wants to work for her father’s business because she’d rather spend more time with him. Ramona looked a little hurt to hear that.  The other scene was one we probably could have done without and caused my left eye to start twitching.   Brandi and Yolanda met with Kristen and Carole to have lunch and talk about sex.  Brandi tells a story about Kristen’s bachelorette party in Las Vegas and a kiss between Kristen and an Elvis impersonator.  Things that happen in Vegas don’t stay in Vegas if Brandi has anything to say about it.  Brandi wants to know about Carole and George Clooney, and Carole laughs it off, saying that they dated during the Eisenhower administration.  When Kristen says that she and her husband aren’t having a lot of sex these days, Carole, in her talking head, says that Kristen should practice blowing, because it’s all men really want, anyway.  With a shrug and an eye-roll,  she says “They don’t call it a job for nothin”.   If Bravo wants to do anymore franchise crossovers, then I hope they send Brandi to Atlanta, specifically to Kenya’s house.

Ramona and Sonja drop by Aviva’s apartment so they can get their stories straight about their true feelings regarding Heather talk about the strides Aviva has made with Heather.   Aviva announces that she got a text from Heather, uninviting her from the anniversary party, signing off with her signature “Holla!”   Ramona and Sonja are shocked, shocked, shocked by how mean Heather is being to Aviva, so they decide, then and there, to boycott the party as a sign of solidarity with Aviva.  If they can get over being called white trash or compared to Anna Nicole Smith, then Heather has a lot of nerve not being as forgiving as they are.

It’s the night of Heather’s party and most of the guests have arrived, including LuAnn and Jacques.  LuAnn is  licking her paws and smoothing her fur, just waiting for the opportunity beside herself with the burden of having to deliver the news of the boycott.   Kristen and Josh are walking toward the gathering and arguing over how late they, well how late he is.  She says that they don’t communicate and he responds that if not communicating is their biggest problem then they’re fine.   He doesn’t seem to be able to grasp that communicating is the most important thing in a marriage, but he seems to live in his own world, by his own rules.   Once everyone is in place and the party has been going on for an hour and a half, LuAnn makes the big boycott announcement.  Ramona and Sonja didn’t bother to tell Heather they weren’t coming, they just didn’t show up.   Heather is understandably upset, then tells the group that the people she wants there, are there.  She also tells them that Ramona is a shit-stirrer, the “Singer Stinger.”   Yes, Heather was right when she said that if she had done that to Ramona, there’d be hell to pay.  The battle lines are drawn – alliances have been formed.  Another group of Housewives are at war.

Heather’s husband gave her a tote bag filled with cans of caviar, which she loved.  She toasted him, proclaimed her love for him and danced the night away.  Amanda was nowhere to be seen – that’s good news, right?

This is a poem Carole wrote for Heather, at Jonathan’s request,  and was read at the 10th anniversary party.  We never heard it because that scene ended up on the cutting room floor.

Ten Years
You’re Super-wife to Jon,
and Yummie Mummie to Ella and Jax,
A friend to wayward Mermaid Queens,
An upstate girl, with big city dreams.

You can roll tough with Puffy, and still giggle with the girls.
Ride motorbikes in denim, or rock a black dress and pearls.
You always do what is right, and not just what’s popular.
You tell people your mind, without judgment or gossip-er.
You’re serious in business, yet playful in life.
Met Jon on a beach, now you’re husband and wife.

Like the Eagle and the Hummingbird,
the Lion and Lamb,
the Athlete and the Spectator,
Or Peanut butter, and jam
I draw from your strengths.
For our differences I give thanks
But also, for your cheshire cat smile
and those three-paneled tanks.

Cheers to your wonderful husband,
and your beautiful marriage,
and to our vodka-fueled cherry bombs.
and a friendship I chair-ish.

Empress

 

 

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The Real Housewives of New York City – Everybody Thinks We’re Drag Queens

LuAnn’s barbecue is still in full swing.  Amanda and Heather are arguing, with Amanda insisting that she doesn’t have to make a good impression.  Good thing she cleared that up because she really isn’t making a good impression.   Sonja starts to imitate her, calling her the “image consultant”.  Amanda decides that she should go back to where Aviva and Carole were last seen, also arguing, in order to play mediator.   Heather follows her, telling her to leave them alone.  Heather also tells LuAnn she should have Amanda leave the house.  She then turns to Amanda and tells her to “just walk out of here.”   Amanda says that Heather is insecure and goes right back into the middle of the Carole versus Aviva argument.  LuAnn offers Amanda some pie or cake.

Aviva and Carole are now fighting over well-wishers – who is and who isn’t.   LuAnn offers them fruit some fruit tart.   In Heather’s talking head, she says, “you don’t f**k with people’s careers”.  Aviva , in her talking head, says that Heather is a big, bad, femme fatale (?) bodyguard.   Aviva walks away from Carole and runs into Heather who wants to defend Carole’s position.  Reid steps in, after locating his cajones, and rallies to his wife’s side.   Amanda is lurking, always lurking,  garnering more camera time.  Now everyone is hollering at everyone else, except Kristen, who is just standing there, wondering why she ever signed a Bravo contract.  Heather says that Aviva is full of envy and when Aviva starts to respond, Heather tells her that she shouldn’t ever tell her anything – that was followed by Heather calling Aviva a name which involves a parental unit and an act of conscious coupling.  Aviva wonders if she learned that in prison.  I don’t think anyone had any pie, cake or fruit tart.

Sonja is holding a brunch at her borrowed Hampton’s house.  Harry arrives and kisses Sonja.  She lifts her coverup to show him her swimsuit and some other stuff.   The other guests are LuAnn and a girl friend, Aviva, Reid and their kids, along with Josh and Kristen and their two children.  Heather and Carole have made their escape, from Long Island already.  Sonja takes Aviva aside to tell her that the girls aren’t feeling her.  Aviva says that she doesn’t understand because she spends so much of her time helping and uplifting people.   Then Sonja’s tooth falls out.  Reid’s mother offers to help her out and they discuss their personal preferences in denture adhesives.

Back in the city, Carole, Heather and Kristen are at Abracadabra to find mermaid costumes, as Carole is to be named Queen of the Coney Island Mermaid Parade.  Sonja and Aviva are bonding over some laser treatments and they start to talk about what happened at LuAnn’s barbecue.   Aviva says that Heather and Carole were “verbally raping” her, and that they were out to hurt her.  She calls Heather a Brutus.  I’m lost here.  Did she mean Brutus like in traitor or Caligula like the poster emperor of debauchery?   Maybe she meant that Heather was a brute and just got confused over infamous Romans.  Who knows?  Sonja doesn’t want to spend a ton of money on a costume, so she has her designer friend stop by her townhouse to put together an appropriate outfit from Sonja’s wardrobe.  Her friend has found a red wig for her and we now have Red Sonja.  Sonja jumps onto her bed, goes into one of her burlesque routines, certain that she’ll catch some action in her homemade costume.

Aviva takes her children to a crafts shop and they begin to paint. Reid arrives just in time to see a text from Wendy Morgan, who was the young friend of Aviva’s when she had her accident.  The two haven’t spoken in over 36 years and Becky would like to meet with Aviva at the Morgan’s farm.  Aviva tells Reid that Becky has been carrying a heavy burden all this time, probably blaming herself for what happened.   Probably is the operative word, because Aviva never had any inclination or  took the time to reach out to Becky before now, either.   Yes, I guess Becky would be carrying a heavy burden, not knowing how Aviva felt about her for over three decades.  They decide to take Becky up on her offer because Aviva is now ready to face her fears.

Carole Radziwill, Kristen Taekman, LuAnn de Lesseps, Sonja Morgan

LuAnn and Kristen arrive in their costumes for the parade and get on the wrong float.  They can’t find the one they’re supposed to be one, so they go back to Lucky Cheng’s float where they’re joined by Sonja.  Sonja is having more problems with another one of her teeth, which can only mean that the Fixodent isn’t working.   LuAnn’s head is about to explode, having been made to endure endless breaches of class, good manners and decorum.   Just don’t ask her to explain her outfit.  Carole is finally crowned Queen of the parade – her King was Judah Friedlander of “30 Rock” – and the honor is bestowed by a man who calls her “Karen” Radziwill.   She can now hold two titles under two different names.  Heather arrives when the others are at the beach, and they gather to light a fire and recite some poem about friendship and the sisterhood of the traveling mermaid fins.

Aviva and Reid are on their way to Franklin, New York and the Morgan’s farm.  She tells him about the accident and relates every detail of how it happened, what it felt like and how it changed her life.  If it hadn’t happened, she would never have been in a position to help other amputees – every cloud has a silver lining.   I think he’s heard all this before, but we must have needed a reminder, in case we forgot.   She then says “s**t happens, it’s nobody’s fault.”   I guess that’s easy to say thirty years after the lawsuits were settled.  Becky is waiting for them when they arrive and the three of them hug.  Reid then asks for a place where he can go to get some work done and leaves the two women to talk.  They go inside and Aviva tells Becky that she saved her life.  She asks Becky if there was a lot of blood and Becky breaks down and cries.

Aviva Drescher

Aviva tells Becky that she wants to see the barn cleaner machine in which she caught her foot.  They meet back up with Reid and go to the barn.   Aviva stops, looks inside the barn and says “I can’t believe that this little mother f**ker did this to me.”  I wonder if she learned that in prison.  Aviva steps onto the machine, still working her way through her fears.    She gets off and asks Becky to turn the machine on, so that she can hear the noise it makes and how it operates.  She then tells Becky how the visit has been very cathartic.  In her talking head, Aviva says that she’s not afraid of it anymore, that she’s not falling apart anymore.  Maybe she shouldn’t have waited 36 years.

Empress

 

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Saturday Special – One week in

P1000114m2Well, I wanted a dog, and I got one. That isn’t something I regret of course but here she is and now what. Before Mel passed, the morning ritual had become.. wake up, leash him up, and take him out so he could take care of his business. It didn’t matter how cold it was or how much it snowed, that’s just what needed to be done. In fact, if it had snowed or was snowing, he was able to manage a little better. It didn’t make me very happy but there it is.. After he passed, I got a small reprieve from the weather in that I didn’t have to go out in it. Not first thing in any morning anyway.. That’s the last time I’ll speak of Melvin passing away.

In the couple weeks after he was gone, I was trying for a long distance adoption, and I had plenty of willing help to make that happen. In fact, I had one picked out due to one of our members having seen one at one of those Petco adoption day type things. That dog was Molly.. She is a poodle type mix with something else, had recently had a litter of puppies (a litter of 2) and they had been recently adopted out. She has kind of a don’t bother me, I’ll come to you type attitude, and she kind of fit the bill of what I was originally looking for. No, she does not have a tail. A visit had been made just to try and make sure the dog wasn’t the Tasmanian devil reincarnated and I had decided to take her. The only problem was, she was in Memphis area and getting her here was the tricky part. There are transports or one can make private arrangements which is what I tried to do because the shelter type transports run when they run and no guarantee as to when they’ll come to any given area. The final roadblock was the shelter didn’t want the dog riding in the baggage compartment of an airplane due to Possible pressure loss. There are no oxygen masks that drop down for the animals in that event. So all the hoops were what sent me looking local to see what was there. I was actually looking for someone like, Molly but what I wound up with was Lil Bit.. Molly looks to still be available if you’re in the Memphis area and interested. Click the picture for details. Once again, I cannot thank my online friend here enough for offering and trying to help me during that time. I still get choked up thinking about it.

When I last wrote, Lil Bit had been here a couple days. The first order of business was to change her name.. Say hello to Lucy. Many others were suggested, all good so, Lucy has several middle names. You can add one if you like.

So here we are.. I have a 9 month old pitbull mixed with something puppy. She’s kind of P1000192mrhousebroken but won’t wait for me if I’m feeling lazy. She’s getting use to the idea of bedtime which means she has to go into her crate for the night. She isn’t always jazzed about being in there but she eventually stops fussing, when she does, and settles down for the night, and never messes in the cage. She has to go out every morning whether I want to take her or not. She gets leashed every morning to go outside and each morning she sits on the landing by the side door and waits for me to drag my ass up the stairs to take her out. She’s adapting to all of it quite nicely.

I’ve had to develop hypersensitive hearing so I can decide  if what I hear her chewing on is something she’s suppose to have. The only thing she has destroyed was that cone of shame sh was P1000207mrwwearing when I brought her home (that I took off of her upon arrival).. Well, that and a couple tennis balls that she peeled apart.She’s beginning to understand the word no or rather my tone when I say it.. She’s very much right now, an out of sight out of mind type of animal. I can kind of control what she does if I’m there, if not there, yeah.. Forget it.. Right now I would expect nothing less from her.

She’s getting use to the leash and will actually sit down and let me put it on her. One thing she really seams to enjoy is going for rides. I’ve started this early with her because it’s too much of a pain in the ass to crate her every time I want to leave the house for something. Something I forgot about due to my past experience with both Mel and Charlie before him is, puppies do whatever is next. With them, I would put the window down so they could look out and let the wind blow through their faces.. With Lucy, like I said, whatever is next.

One day, We had errands to run and I don’t want to be constantly locking her up when I 2014-03-31-17-50-57leave the house so I took her with me. I put her leash handle on the seat belt latch so she can’t crawl in my lap.. The picture kind of shows it.. Everything was fine until I got a couple blocks from the house. I had opened the window all the way like I use to do for Melvin. At about a 3mph roll, the little shit Dove out the window. Fortunately her leash is long enough she didn’t hang herself but short enough she didn’t end up under the back wheel of the truck, and no one else was around.. That was our adventure for the day. She’s no worse for the wear but scared the shit out of me..

I won’t be doing these every week but when something interesting happens, I’ll be sure to share it.. Overall, I think this is a win win for all involved, except the critters who thought they were going to make my back yard a home :D Below is a shot of Lucy’s typical in house position..

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Posted in Mel The Hound's Weekend Special | 52 Comments

The Real Housewives of New York City – Holla in the Hamptons

Sonja is late for rehearsal for her Caburlesque production, but it really doesn’t matter because she’s going to wing it anyway.  She has some backup dancers and her gay friend – she wants us to know she loves her gays – waiting to find out how this is going to work.  It’s all kind of confusing when she describes the theme – something about Liza Minnelli meets The Great Gatsby.  She’s so certain of its success that she can see it going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas.  It sounds just like every one of her hare-brained schemes.  Maybe she’ll pop out of a toaster oven during her routine.

Carole and Kristen are driving to the Hamptons for the big shows.  When they arrive in Montauk, they meet up with Heather for some surfing lessons.  As they wiggle and squirm their way into their wetsuits, Heather notes that it makes Yummie Tummie look like child’s play.  Once it’s on, though, she feels like Catwoman.  Carole is busily ogling, then flirting with the instructors.

Surfing Housewives

Sonja is borrowing a house from one of her friends in Southampton and has brought an entourage of interns with her – it takes a village, you know.  Oops, sorry, wrong Housewife.  She lets us know that one of the perks of the interns is working for her.   She’s having some trouble with her car and tells Tyler that he has to charge the battery and get some gas.  Another intern, Naomi – code name Pickles – is supposed to fix the rusted and falling front plate.   When she gets inside, Sonja uses the kitchen to practice her as yet undetermined routine.  She’s taken a shower and is so happy that the house has hot water because she’s saving money by not running any at her townhouse.  Please tell us you’re kidding, Sonja.

Everyone is gathering at an airplane hangar for the Caburlesque show which, we find out, is a charity event for the Long Island Gay and Lesbian Youth Center.  Sonja greets a friend of hers, Adriana La Glam, a drag performer who’s there to help Sonja with the show.  They try to have another rehearsal but Sonja decides that she doesn’t want anyone else on stage.  She’s a one-woman show.    Yes, she is.

The guests start to show up including Carole and Heather, Kristen and Josh, and Reid and Aviva who have brought the ever-present and always annoying Housewife groupie, Amanda.  LuAnn walks in and meets Kristen for the first time.  They chat about modeling and being tall and all sorts of important things.  While they try to have a conversation, Amanda is making weird sounds and griping about the quality of the martinis.  Apparently she overcame the bad booze problem, because she got drunker by the second.   Amanda spots Harry and tells the others that she knows him but he didn’t see her naked.  Okay.

Aviva makes a beeline for LuAnn and tells her how she’s made up with Ramona.  She then launches into her side of the ghostwriter saga, making sure to mention that “Princess” Carol is just awful.  She’s not going to get an argument from LuAnn, which is probably why she ran over to her in the first place.  LuAnn is still upset over some confrontations with Carole from last season.  This is sure to be the case of the shared enemy.  They decide that Carole is not a girl’s kind of girl.  While they’re talking, Heather is changing place cards to ensure that she and Carole are nowhere near Aviva.wenn20443960With some last minute help from Ben, Sonja is now ready to start her show.  The routine is pure Sonja with a couple of wardrobe malfunctions thrown in for good measure.  Amanda is  yapping throughout the whole thing.  “I saw a nipple”,  “That’s what menopause looks like” and to Aviva, simply “Oh my f**ing God.”   Heather can hear every word and, in her talking head, calls her the rudest person.

It’s the next morning and Kristen is hosting a get together for her friend Alba de Michael, a fashion designer.  Alba has a new line of swimsuits and cover ups and the women gather to try some pieces.  Sonja is checking out a very hot Argentinian – hmm, I see polo players.   Kristen comes out wearing one of the coverups and a very high cut swimsuit.  Heather arrives with Carole and Pickles brings them drinks.  I think she’s still Pickles.  She was Pizza and she might be Lettuce now.  It all depends on what’s in Sonja’s fridge.  The conversation turns to Harry and Sonja says that he’s with Aviva, Reid and Amanda.  Sonja thinks that Aviva is much more calm these days but Carole’s not quite so sure.  I now interrupt this recap for a special message from Vivacalm, brought to you by Aviva.  Yes, another Housewives’ promotion.

From Aviva’s Facebook page:  With my new product launching in March through GNC I thought I’d share some of the health benefits of the main ingredient Magnesium.    (Just my very humble opinion, but I don’t think Aviva is getting the desired result)

Across town, Aviva, Reid, Harry and Amanda are talking about Sonja’s performance, and they’re less than kind, especially Amanda.  What is with this Amanda person?  Hasn’t she seen what happens to the other women who tried to become Housewives by hogging camera time and acting like Where’s Waldo?  Beside, she has this really nasally voice.   Anyway, Amanda wants to become another of Harry’s girls, too and she tells him that he better have an impressive package.  He tells her that it’s better unwrapped.  Romance is officially dead.

LuAnn has invited everyone to her house for dinner and too many drinks.  Harry brings Amanda and Sonja is pissed.  Her exact comment was  “She shows up like a bad rash when Harry’s around.”   Carole and Heather have brought Heather’s personal trainer, Will, along and Carole seems to really like Will.  Heather sees Amanda and can’t seem to remember her name, calling her Megan, Mindy and Mandy.   Carole takes LuAnn aside for a little heart to heart in an effort to resolve their differences.  Aviva is stealthing around, steam coming out of her ears at the thought that the two women may actually let bygones be bygones.  LuAnn and Carole agree to move forward and hug.   Aviva notes that this is no coincidence and that Carole is playing chess.  Oh no – another game of chess with a new Bobby Fischer.

Aviva joins the other women and jumps right into another rant about Carole.  She swears on her good leg that Carole is just bad – bad to the bone.  Aviva is drunk as a skunk – one childhood trauma has been overcome.   Sonja tells Aviva that writing a book is a major accomplishment and she should be proud of that.  Aviva is giddy now that someone has validated her, even if that someone is Sonja who has yet to accomplish anything.  They kiss and hug and almost dance in the streets.  Kristen has nothing to say.

Carole and Heather come out to where the others are sitting, followed by Amanda, of course, who is even more drunker than Aviva.  Sonja announces that they’ve gotten to the bottom of bookgate which just thrills Carole to no end.  Not really, she’s not interested in talking about bookgate.   Aviva tells Heather how she threatened her in her own house. Heather says that that is Aviva’s MO.  She says Aviva character assassins.  I think she meant assassinate but none of them are anywhere near sober.   Aviva tells Heather to stop pointing at her and lower her voice.   This is beginning to look like Kelly Bensimon 2.0.  Sssh, stop talking. Be quiet. Don’t turn red.  Now everybody’s talking over everybody else and nothing makes sense.  LuAnn, bless her bejeweled self, stands up, claps her hands like a schoolyard monitor and says, “I’m the hostess.  You have to break it up.”  She wants everyone but Carole and Aviva to leave the room so they can talk things out but no one’s listening.  LuAnn stomps away, angry that she can’t control the group in her own house.  She did come back to offer them all dessert, though.

RHONY

Amanda joins the melee by slurring ” Not everybody is as equally as brilliant or as great of a writer.”  She may have been talking to herself or a lamp – I couldn’t tell.  Now Heather goes after Amanda telling her that Carole is her friend and she should stay out of it.  Amanda tells Heather,” Don’t go down that road.”  When Heather asks her what road, Amanda says “Being an asshole.  So be nice and walk the f**k away.”   She then stands up, sort of, and staggers out of the room muttering, “I’m gonna deck her in the face.”  Take note Amanda, that’s not how it works.  Punching someone in the face and decking them are two entirely different things. Heather hollers back, “Go ahead.  Deck me.”  See, that’s how it works.

Ramona knew enough to go to Africa and avoid all of it.

Empress

Posted in BravoTV, Real Housewives of New York City | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments
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